A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Dad is starting to really creep me out. I am 32 and at the moment I do not have the finances to live in my own place, having been made redundant. My Dad has always been, in my opinion, quite manipulative and controlling. I have been arguing with him because he keeps belittling me calling me weak and naive. Our relationship has always been very volatile. Anyway, the thing that is really creeping me out at the moment is that he seems to base his decision on whether he goes out or not based on what I am doing. It is making me really angry. He has no problem with me going out at all. My mum house sits locally so she is away regularly for 2 wk stints at a time. Anyway, Mum phoned my Dad up the other day to see if he wanted to stay over with her but he was going to use me as an excuse to not go. He said if I was at home (which I was) he would stay at home but if I was going out then he would go and see my Mum. Anyway, I lost it in the end and Mum and I demanded that he went to see her. I thought it was grossly unfair that Mum would only get to see him if I went out!!!Another time Mum invited him out I actually heard him ask her what was I doing! If Mum makes an arrangement to go out and asks if any of us what to go with her, Dad will wait until I answer before making the decision to do whatever I have decided. It is really stressing me out, but I really want to understand why he is doing this. I confronted him about this and he said it is because he hates being alone, so bases his decision on what to do on what others are doing although it only seems to be based on what I am doing! He has done it again today. Mum asked if any of us wanted to go for a walk. I said no so Dad decided not to go. I feel like my stress levels are soaring. Mum now only gets to see Dad if I am going out, or if I am going out with her. My Dad has more or less he can’t bear being in the house by himself. I gather it is because he hates his own company. I am trying to build up enough money to move out, but I have more or less been frozen out of the property market and am just about to made redundant. So, why is he being like this with me and what coping strategies do I use to get through this time at home?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): You said your Mum goes away to housesit for 2 weeks at a time. Why don't you do the housesitting instead? That way, you get some independence and your parents are more likely to be obliged to spend some time alone together and sort out any problems they might have in their relationship. It does sound as though your father might be using you as an excuse to avoid spending time with your mother. Lots of people can't get onto the housing market these days and they don't live with their parents. Why not rent, or houseshare? Wouldn't that be more fun and better for building up an independent life?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Wow, it sounds like you are having a terrible time at home: I really feel for you and the baheviour of your dad sounds exceptionally odd. It could be that you parents are not happily married: many many couples are not. My advice would be that you have to look after No.1 and much as you obviously love your mum and want her to be happy, she in the end, has to have the strength to confront your dad about his weird behaviour and his inability to meet her on a one-to-one often enough. It sounds to me like they are possibly incompatible and having problems in their marriage. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do and getting too involved will bring unhappiness on yourself. If I was you, I would concentrate on your potential happines - you have everything to live for and you will one day hopefully find a partner you are happy with and with whom you can openly discuss these kinds of problems that your parents are unable to. If and when you leave home and start your own independent life, your relationship with your parents will become more mature and you will discover they will treat you more like an adult. It will also force your parents to confront their own marital issues as it seems like now you are a scapegoat yopur dad is using and your presence stops them facing up to the reality of their own problems....Try not to get depressed or stressed and concentrate on your career and saving up enough to move out - maybe you could get a job in another city so that you HAVE to move out - just rent a room as a lodger or something...don't get depressed whyen you are young: enjoy your life is my advice! :) x
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