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My cousin died, my boyfriend showed me no compassion, should I be concerned?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 January 2009) 2 Answers - (Newest, 28 January 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, *lender writes:

Tonight I found out there was a death in my family. I called my boyfriend about 20 mins after our last text (i got the news in between the two) and he didnt answer... then i sent a text asking if he was sleeping, no reply but my phone said he got it (If you have verizon you know you get that checkmark when the message is opened). Anyway, about 20 mins later i get a text saying no, so still upset I told him my cousin died.. the reply I get back was SLEEPY. He was telling me he was tired, to which I said go back to bed then. He asked if i was mad and I said no,night. I know I should have said yes, but I dont like to rock the boat. He then sends me a text saying yes you are you're mad and you lie good night.

I said Jesus, my cousin passed away and I just wanted a word of comfort from you after you said you were awake.

All I got was sorry. And no reply afterwards.

Is this a red flag? I mean I know if the tables were reversed, no matter how tired I was, I would be there for him. This is really upsetting me. I was ready to tell him I love him, and now I'm not so sure if I should. The more and more I sit here laying here awake, the more mad I'm getting. What should I do?

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A male reader, Kepi United Kingdom +, writes (28 January 2009):

Kepi agony auntLets look at this without the vitriol.

There are maybe a couple of reasons that he gave the response he did,

Maybe he is unsure how to respond to this situation, death makes people uncomfortable and generally people go through what they consider the accept route, showing sympathy etc etc, however, other people may not feel comofortable showing these feelings or emotions, it doesn't mean they don't care, they are just unsure of what to say/do/etc.

When you called and he didn't answer, he didn't know why you were calling so he can't be blamed for that, and for you to text simple things before telling him the news, that does show (even if not true) that you are more concerned with the lack of communication than the death of your cousin.

Sure, when we care about someone, no matter what we are doing, when they need our help, support etc then we move heaven and earth to be there for them, and rightly so.

Maybe, it is a sign that his feelings for you are not as they should be, how long have you been going out with him, if this is the begining of a relationship, well, maybe he doesn't feel close enuff yet to be able to display the compassion required......

Your text messages are a little confusing, if I was on the receiving end I would wonder why you have 'gone aound the houses' checking if he's asleep etc before telling me about your cousin, and, looking at his text, when he says you lie...... do you? does he think this is another one?

There are definate communication problems here, even down to the most basic level of passing on news....you need to talk to him, face to face, not by text, and don't make a big issue over it, explain how you feel about your cousins death and your hurt for the texts last night, maybe he'll understand your needs better and be able to react ina better way in future, maybe u will find out his true feelings for you, whichever way it is to be, its better to know than be wondering, especially at a time like this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009):

Worst case scenario: your boyfriend does not care about you. Best case scenario: your boyfriend cares about you but lacks basic relational skills, i.e., is an indefensibly insensitive a*s.

The best excuse I can make for him is, maybe he did not think you were close to your cousin, and therefore, he did not realize you would be in need of comfort. That excuse stinks though.

Yes, the flag is bright red and waving. It is hard for me to imagine many ways that someone could be less there for you than to dismiss you in the event of a loved one's death.

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