A
female
age
26-29,
saddness within me
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 years... we practically grew up together. We met when we were in highschool. We've been through tough times and happy times, through out the 10 years we have our ups and downs. But we always make it through. Couple months of ago, I started to lose interest in my boyfriend. I began to think that I haven't been "out" to explore other people. I started to treat him badly, talk coldly to him, and sometime even forgetting about him. When he ask me where I am, I will tell him lies. I wil make something up, just so he would worry about me. (Ex. clubbing, drinking) I changed my personalty, I started to do things I normally would not have done. I lie to him and make up things just so he would worry about me. The past couple of months, he tired everything he could to have me love him back. He gave me unconditional love for me. The more love he gave me, the more I didn't want to respond back. But deep inside, I wanted him to be in my future.. I want to marry him and have children with him. I know he's a great guy and I will so happy with him in the future. But for some reason, I did not want to show him that. I didn't want to let him know that I need him in my life. I tried so hard to be change myself to someone I was not. I wanted to be different. I broke up with him 2 times in 6 months, but they last no more than a week. I broke up with him again last month, he was very hurt by my actions and really started to back away from me. The minute i notice he started to back away.. I started to chase him.. I made up lies that would make him come back to me, and when he found out he was hurt and wouldn't speak to me for a couple of days. I drowned in those days, I was so upset that I managed to lose 11 pounds in 7 days, I cried the min I wake up to the minute I sleep. The trust between me and my boyfriend is gone. And he's very hurt by my, as i have made him suffer for a couple of months. He then told me we need to break up officially. A few days ago, he called and told me "How can i come back to a person that is not strong, you need to eat, sleep, not cry everywhere, you need to learn how to cook, listen to me and not do the opposite thing, don't hide your feelings, tell me how you feel don't make me guess and not tell me... grow your hair long, go to the gym and exercise and stay fit, grow up and be independent, be the girl that always had a glow on her face, sexy and hot... be sweet when it's needed and care when it's needed... and when you done all that, I might come back to you. It won't take a few days, a few weeks, it will take couple of months." He also said, " if i show him that i am changing back to the person i was, eventually he will start calling me and tell me about his day.. then we might go out once in a while...a walk in the park.. then we might go for movies and dinners.. and eventually.. maybe i'll start coming to your house for dinner...but that's only if you can show me that you can change.." Now, I'm not sure what that means? He tells me that he doesnt like me right now, he has no feelings for me. and that he only treats me as his friend. No more. I will do everything he tells me to do because i really want him back. We've been together for so long that I don't ever want to give up this relationship i have with him. I know I hurt him so much for the past couple of months... and will do anything. When he ask me to do all those things, does that means he is willing to give me another chance to be with him again? I want to be a better person for him. But I'm afraid that he is only saying all those things to get me to stop harassing him... I'm not sure if he still loves me. I'm really lost and want him back in my life. I learned my lesson and will not do that again. I will try not to make him worry for me all the time, i will be nice and sweet to him.. I learned my lesson.. will he ever come back to me?Please help?
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female
reader, JennayyyCx3  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 I have kind of done what you have done before, but we have acted different towards it..As the quote goes "What cant be changed must be endured", since you cant change the time limit he is giving you, make the best of it! Dont focus on the sadness and how your so stupid for doing this, focus on yourself and learn new things. One major thing you dont want to do is drive him away for being to needy and calling him. Have him call you next, even though it will be tempting. You should be really thankful that you have a guy that will endure your crap and STILL talk to you and STILL give you another chance. Dont fail him again. This kind of stuff will take time so dont be down because you dont see an immediate change, it takes a while to rebuild trust. Do you think you might have done all this to get attention or see if you are worth to him? Well thats not a good way of testing it..lol..But really, start loving yourself and praising yourself for doing things, even though you may have messed up, you have another shot at this..dont give up!
A
female
reader, Star_07 + ♥, writes (9 July 2008):
 I think it might be a good idea to take some time away from this guy. You need to think about why you did those things in the first place. Do you really want to explore other possibilities??
I think this is normal, especially since you have been dating him since you were in high school. People change and grow a lot during these years, you cant expect yourself to go back to your "old self."
Another thing is, why would you want to do all these things for HIM? Shouldnt you be doing things for yourself? You change yourself for you, not for other people. Is that the kind of person you want to be?
Think about what YOU want. Yes, in realtionships you have to compromise but DONT love someone for who they COULD be, you have to love someone for who they are NOW. He doesnt love you for who you are, he loves you for who you were.
I think the most important thing here is "self-discovery" and maybe you should go out and explore, you might be missing out on life's opportunities and I dont just mean with other men, I mean it in general. So please, take some time to think about this by yourself and figure out what YOU want out of life.
Take Care!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (9 July 2008):
 What he is telling you is that you need to be a more healthy person before he considers having a future with you. You have emotional problems and you go off the deep end and create drama WAY out of proportion to the situation. Your behavior is not functional and as much as he loves you, he loves himself more (which is healthy) and because of this, he won't let you destroy him. I don't think that you would really be able to take in or believe that anyone loves you because you are so insecure and self destructive. Yes, I think you can probably get him back and what he's telling you to do are in your own best interests. I would go to a therapist and start working on yourself, I think your issues need professional attention, not because you are crazy or psycho, but because you will be able to work through them faster and I don't think you really recognize what your problems are. You haven't learned your lesson yet, it's not about that. I really believe you feel remorse and you are probably a wonderful person, but it's not about a punishment fitting the crime. It's not about him and that's what he's trying to tell you. He's strong enough not to take all this personally and he's also strong enough to let you go so you can get well. Go make an appointment with a therapist. I think you'll lose him if you don't start taking the right steps to improve yourself now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): The problem here is that you can't really say "I've learned my lesson" & have it be ok because it's not that simple. It sounds to me that you were just acting on how you were feeling at the time. Many women react the way you did. When treated nice, they walk all over their mate but when ignored they suddenly will do anything to win them over. Yout boyfriend probably thinks that if he treats you well, you'll lose interest again. And can you honestly say you wouldn't? Can you really control the way feel towards him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): I don't know if he will come back to you. I don't think he even knows.
You treated him bad, but you've told us that. You know you have. Lets not dwell on the hurt you caused him.
I don't know what you want from us. Reassurance?! Guaranteed offers?!
I can give you support. I can give you advice on how to take day by day activities. I can't make him love you. I can't make him care about you. If I were you, I'd do everything he says and more. I don't think you should be posessive, obsessive, controlling. If you really want him back you need to make it known to him though.
You need to read the other advice given by other Aunts and Uncles, it'll probably be better. In the mean time, even if you do all this and he finds someone else, don't loose character. You'll be stronger. And when you get married to whoever you get married to, it'll be long and happy because you have realized what you can and can't do.
Learn from your mistakes.
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