A
female
age
41-50,
*otsofunny
writes:Me and my boyfriend just bought a house a little over a month ago. His sister and her husband asked if they could stay with us for a while. In there camper. Well ever sense they got here I feel very uncomfortable. I felt that they have been talking about me behind my back from day one. They have said to my boyfriend I make them feel unwanted here. I didn't care that they were here. In fact I was excited cuz me and her were good friends in school. Anyways I found his brother in laws phone he left in my room and read his texts to my boyfriends sister talking shit on my. She really wasn't but what do I do now? How do I confront the situation? I know I shouldn't have looked but I had to. Please help
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 September 2012):
 It's understandable that yuo feel some discomfort too. Like I said when we feel vulnerable we sometimes see things from a seige mentality. Maybe in some ways you feel like the outsider.
People generally respond very well to kindness and courtesy and I suspect your house guests will too. If it came down to it, you could talk to the sister privately, woman to woman without letting her know about the text messages.
Save that for if you really need it though. Try just being a bit more friendly with them. But remember not get so caught up in trying to help them feel at ease that you put yourself out. They should not be made to feel so cozy that they have no incentive to leave.
Thanks for the feedback and best of luck.
A
female
reader, notsofunny +, writes (20 September 2012):
notsofunny is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour all right. I guess I was the one making a big deal out of something that is nothing. I will try to see things from there point of view. And if nothing else be nice and won't let little things get to me. Thank you all for your help.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 September 2012):
Say nothing about the text messages to anyone, including your boyfriend (who WILL blab and make things worse). Informing everyone that you have snooped through their personal things will only give them reason to resent you.
What you saw was a private conversation between two people, not a public smear campaign. They feel uncomfortable having to live with you right now and it is understandable that they might want to express those frustrations. Everyone does it.
Instead of showing your hand you could use the information to make postive changes that will benefit everyone. As Cerberus says, why not engage them in conversation a little more often? Perhaps you could ask them if they have what they need, or if you can be of any help to them. I don't mean pander to them. It is your home after all, not a hotel, but maybe be a little bit more welcoming and approachable. It's quite possible that they have picked up a vibe from you or misunderstood innocent comments and body language.
When people feel vulnerable they tend to jump to conclusions and assume the worst. Your house guests are no exception. The answer might be to put them at ease. You have the upper hand here.
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A
female
reader, notsofunny +, writes (19 September 2012):
notsofunny is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. I see
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Remember OP, this woman is his sister, of course she's going to talk to her brother and of course her husband is going to talk to him before you, those three are family, you#re just a girlfriend for the time being.
Maybe that's what's making you feel uncomfortable OP, they have a close family group and you're kind of on the outside of that.
Maybe you could try and relax a bit, spend some time doing fun things with his sister, maybe organize a barbecue and have some of your friends over and have some beers.
Or maybe go to dinner the 4 of you.
OP they may be your guests, but you're the one who has to make a bit of an effort to include yourself, they're already a family unit.
The choice is simple, be confrontational, paranoid, bitter and be cold to them, with them leaving because you made them feel unwelcome and leaving a constant tension in the air for the future, or you can make a bit more of an effort to include them in your life and you in their little family unit. Build some stronger bonds with them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): I don't understand the problem, everyone talks behind everyone else's back, it's not a big deal.
Look if people have a problem with you then they must go to you and talk to you about it, until then just assume it's nothing and ignore it.
Are they treating you badly? Being insulting or inconsiderate to you in any way directly? If not then just ignore it as there isn't an issue, you don't know the context of those texts, it may have been sarcastic, or a joke, or it may have been a misinterpretation on their or your behalf.
No offence OP but if you've been uncomfortable ever since they've arrived then it may well be possible that you're acting cold towards them and maybe they read that as not feeling welcome. Discomfort is very obvious, it can make things very tense and you also sound very paranoid and have in fact gone looking for trouble which you have now found.
It seems to me that you're looking for an excuse to get rid of them or maybe just an excuse as to why you don't feel comfortable with them being there.
"Well ever sense they got here I feel very uncomfortable. I felt that they have been talking about me behind my back from day one."
That to me sounds like a person who is very insecure and paranoid, and you have to consider that being that way has become so obvious to them that they do feel unwelcome and it is only natural then that they'd say it to your boyfriend in order to ask him do they need to leave, they can't very well ask you. I mean you're the one talking about confrontation and "had to" snoop and feed your paranoia.
I personally think you're trying to blow this situation out of proportion.
What you need to do is sit down with your boyfriend and tell him you're feeling uneasy about them being there. You can explain to him why and talk it out, there's no need to confront them about anything, just talk to your boyfriend, open up to him and tell him how you feel and you can decide together what's best. I have a feeling he'll be able to set your mind at ease and if not then you can just ask them to leave.
But please OP, try and relax a bit, people talk that's what we do and it can be very hard to talk to someone who is so paranoid like you seem to be. You've felt this way from the minute they arrived, which means you had no reason to feel that way at the start, just a suspicion.
Try and calm down, stop worrying so much and have a chat with your boyfriend, together you can sort this out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 September 2012):
 How much longer are they staying? Honestly I would take the high road and "play" nice til they leave unless drama starts then I'd ask them to leave.
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