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My boyfriend's priorities are not in order and I'm worried about our future

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 April 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 16 April 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I'm 29 and he's 28, unfortunately, we both had a change of careers at a late age, which has thrown us back a bit in regards to money for the future. Besides this, I'm discovering more of his flaws and other issues in the future, but I love him dearly...and can't imagine my life without him.

He works as a manager of a store, and works very hard, but outside of work he is extremely lazy. He is on his last year studying to be a counsellor, and all his homework is done last minute, looking for voluntary work he leaves last minute, buying a new car he got at last minute (knowing his old car wouldn't pass the MOT). But he won't hesitate to watch his favourite tv shows and play games on his phone. But his excuse is it's his time "to unwind" and to "forget all the shit going on in his life". But the problem with that is, he will complain about how crap his life is, but do nothing about it.

He sees his friends settling down and he's paying huge rent to his mother because his younger brother abuses the system pretending he "lives" with them but really he stays over with his controlling girlfriend. So my bf and his mum have to cover his expense so he doesn't get into trouble. So half of his manager pay goes to the house. I am a student myself with another year left and have some savings from work, but he will always remind me of how old we will by the time we have kids (which is what he has always wanted). So when he qualifies as a counsellor he may be able to save some money then, but I feel like our future will be one big rush because of our ages, to getting house, marriage and kids. I prefer to do it traditionally, but I know he doesn't agree. I don't know what to do.

View related questions: his ex, money

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

Lazy is a word that's very subjective. Just because your man's idea of how to use his time doesn't match yours, it doesn't make him lazy. I reckon he'd describe you as someone who works and worries too hard. Another subjective way to describe someone.

There's nothing wrong with worrying about the future, career and money wise, but nobody's life is perfect. Nobody's. In ten years time you'll have different issues to worry about and you'll still be wanting more money. I'm afraid that's a chase you'll never give up!

Look at how to respond to the things you can fix immediately. Resolve the issue with paying rent to his mum in some way, sit down and talk about your wants for your future together. But remember, don't feel rushed by 'society.' Yes, you're 29. That really doesn't mean a thing. You can get a house, marry and have children in any order you want, just be sure that you both actualy want those things.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

those are what we call "red flags" sometimes we see things in people and we ignored because we are in love with them or because we are a couple or whatever but those things are showing us exactly how that person is. so the questions are if you are seeing this patron of behavior in your man..what makes you think he will change? and believe me I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years...he is 31 years but acts and behaves as 18.. bills always paid late, late fees, friends and billiards first, he is not a bad guy he is not bad but his priorities are not the same as mine and that's a break dealer because we can not live pushing people to do what they are supposed to do as an adult man in a committed relationship. you can not make him act as a responsible adult. if cannot do it on his own then you have your own answer.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIn regards to his flaws well we all have them nobody is perfect. If you love him then yes that is great but a relationship does need a lot more than love to keep it going.

It is great to hear that he is a hard worker. Being a manager while also studying must be quite tough on him. I agree with him that his down time should be just that, time to relax and chill. Yes I know things need to be done in life as well but he also needs to relax. If he complains about life then listen to him and try and help come up with a solution TOGETHER. You both need to communicate more without you judging him.

If he is paying huge rent to his mother then why are you both not thinking of renting out a small place together? You don't need to wait around for marriage or a mortgage to move in together. Unless off course you really want to wait!

Once you both graduate then you could have a small wedding, it doesn't need to cost much and then you can think about children and a home. But take one thing at a time. You still have plenty of time. You are not even 30 yet. Don't panic just yet. Take each month as it comes, we never know what the future holds.

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