A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been dating this really sweet guy since a few months and have been meeting his friends etc. When we are just the two of us, he is so sweet, caring, gentle, funny: I basically enjoy spending time with him. However, when we are in a social gathering: I feel like he changes his behavior in such a way that it's a turn off for me.He's kind of like the "loser" of his group of friends (making jokes that are sexually oriented, his friends don't treat him with the same respect - because he is supposed to be the clown of the group and apparently has the rep of being a sexually desperate person). I really feel this side of him is a turn off for me. Some of his friends even pulled me aside and asked me how he managed to get such a pretty/smart/nice girlfriend like me (in a non joking way. and I couldn't even believe what they were telling me because I never ever thought my bf would be so different when out with his friends). I know that the point of being with someone is because you appreciate them and that it shouldn't matter what other people are thinking. However what scares me is that I don't feel compatible with my bf in social settings. As we have only been together for a few months and getting to know one another, I'm only seeing a certain side of him, and I'm afraid of that not being his real side (or maybe it is his real side, but I'm not seeing everything yet). Does anybody have experience with SOs appearing different in private and public settings and how to deal with that? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 You might find these types of blogs interesting:
http://theredpillroom.blogspot.no/2012/08/the-male-social-matrix-back-to-sandbox.html
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 August 2013):
I know what you mean. It is kind of the same with my boyfriend, although my boyfriend isn't the clown of the group. But they are a pretty solid group of guys who have known each other for decades, and it's obvious that each have their "role" in the group that they are stuck in for life. The group is also like a pack of wolves, in my eyes, with an Alfa on top and an Omega at the bottom. And my boyfriend is the Omega. And the Alfa of their group is supposedly my boyfriends "best friend", even though he often puts him down. I can't believe it, because the Alfa is butt ugly, lazy, and has nothing going on for him. Uhm yeah, you can tell I'm not the biggest fan.
But when they were younger, these roles were being set, and the Alfa dude was in a good place then. He was tall, had his charm and boyish good looks, and he was best friends with another guy who was the Alfa/Beta, you can say. And Beta was working out a lot, doing great at school, and has actually broken out of the group now (no surprise there).... So that left the other guy as the group leader.
Now, to my point. My boyfriend was short, skinny, low in confidence, and they took great advantage of this. Leaving him with all the crappy jobs, expecting him to run their errands, expecting him to do their every bidding. It even got to the point where my boyfriend got a car, and the Alfa was the one who drove around in it without my boyfriend even daring to say he needed it back.
So yes, I do know what you mean! And it isn't healthy at all, and these people are NOT friends. They're just selfish users. But my boyfriend can't see that, because they've been his world for so long, and they've held him down for so long because it is what suited them. Same thing is happening with your boyfriend and the "friends". They are holding him down, expecting nothing great from him, because they like being on top. Hence the "surprise" when he finds an attractive girlfriend. Really? They don't even think that he would be capable of finding a nice girlfriend? That speaks volumes of the friendship and of their respect for him...
But it is the same with my boyfriend, they make jokes at his expense, and jokes that actually are an offense to our relationship. Such as joking about him being gay etc. Such jokes only hint at our relationship being fake... So yes, I get offended.
So what I've done is put my foot down. But carefully. We can't make them see that these friends are no good for them and only hold them down. They need to realize this themselves. But you can take a stance and not allow jokes that involve you. Such as sexual jokes that hint at your boyfriend not being able to get laid. These jokes are at your expense too, so you have every right to not allow it and put a stop to it. Tell him they can joke like that when alone, but NOT when you are around. And if they do, tell them off. Take a stance, don't allow it in your presence.
I also talk to my boyfriend about finding the "role" for his friends in our relationship, rather than find my role in the group of friends. Do you understand the difference? It creates a new setting. It isn't I who should be invited to hang out with the group. It is the group who should be invited to hang out with us (the couple). That creates a new setting, a new platform. And on a new platform there is room for new roles.
For example, you can invite one or two of the friends with you to do something that you (the couple) do. Include them in YOUR activities, rather than you being included in the group activities.
I have many more ideas about what to do, but this post is getting unbelievably long. But if you ever want to rant about it, you know where to find me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): Is this his only group of friends? It sounds to me like his "friends" are taking advantage of him, using him for their entertainment, and he might not realize the extent to which they are degrading him.You might be able to have a positive influence on him by talking to him about your observations. There is no reason why you can't say everything in your letter directly to him. Have you told him that these "friends" made negative comments about him to you behind his back? I would never dream of belittling one of my guy friend's to his girlfriend -- even friends of mine who I am not always fond of.These guys seem pretty brutal. Perhaps your guy has to behave a certain way around them to maintain his membership in the group. He certainly doesn't seem to have much power in it. If I were him, I would start over with a new group of friends.Also, did it cross your mind to defend him in these social situations? If they make jokes about him being a sexually desperate person, aren't you living proof that he is not? You might change the group dynamic and his interactions with that group by "bigging him up", so to speak.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): It's clearly not his REAL side but something to cover up his insecurities and even panic maybe, at being in something that may be quite a new situation to him- having a pretty/ s,art/ Cool gf; some people have a self destructive button. Some people have addictions, is he usually drunk when he acts like this? You should observe this... If so this is definitely some way of making himself into someone else I.e someone clever/ funny/ cooler than he feels-Even if it's not alcohol or whatever, he's clearly overcompensating for something. Have a word with him and say you don't understand why he acts like a different person with his friends...Persevere to see if he snaps out of it and try to Talk to him about it. If it carries on too long then just write it off and walk away. Follow your instincts and don't look back. There are some wrecks you just can't salvage...Good luck xxx
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