A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I have a little "situation" on my hands, as I'll call it, and I was wondering whether or not I'm overreacting by being bothered by this. Anyway, on to the story...I am currently in a relationship with a man who has a child from a past relationship. I understand that he and his ex need to be in regular contact, and friendly, for the sake of their child and that doesn't bother me. Well, recently she's started texting him more often, adding cute little comments to some of the texts (he sometimes asks me to read him the messages if he's driving, or shows me a picture of his son she's sent). She's also now in the habit of buying him things, including a gift she's having shipped to his house within the month. She made sure to keep whatever this "gift" is a secret, saying he should be excited about it. If it's a gift he can use with his son, that would be fine, but I have a feeling it's not... and this bothers me. I'm a jealous person, I'll be the first to admit it, but this rubs me wrong for what I feel are the right reasons. I'm well aware that since they have a son together they'll occasionally buy diapers, etc.. for the other person, just to be nice, but I feel personal gifts are a little too far. I know he'd be bothered by my receiving a gift from an ex if that were the case, so I feel justified in my feelings of unease about this. I just don't think it's appropriate given that they are both now in other relationships. I would never dream of buying a gift for an ex for no reason, let alone an ex in a relationship! I just feel it's disrespectful of her, and that she's crossing the line a little bit. It's not the end of the world, sure, but I'm still not happy about it. So what do you think? Is this irrational anger, or do I have a foot to stand on here?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 She is starting to flatter and woo your guy (her ex) as I think she wants him back. Surprises? Something special? Yes I think she is going too far. And yes I would be downright disappointed if he lets this get out of hand. I assume he likes gifts.
But does he have the courage to say no to her?
I am glad you like being caring toward their shared child. But what she is doing is trying to compete with you for who can spoil him the best.
How long before she wants to buy him clothes, take him with her to choose the clothes? No way would be my thoughts.
Although I think jealousy, especially unwarranted jealousy is a waste of time, your situation is unique.
When another woman is competing for your man's attention and brazenly under your nose then it is your boyfriend who needs to say, 'Enough' and 'Stop' to her. You cannot try to have a stand-off with her, she will know that she is undermining you and even getting to you and wearing you down.
Yes you need to raise the issue with your guy. Then it is he who should deal with this, to demonstrate that he really cares and is aware of her little tricks to try to entice him back to her.
You have every right to feel uncomfortable. I would feel the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): Hi thereSorry you're going through this. It's horrible to feel that jealousy and insecurity. I definitely think you have a foot to stand on. Clearly the boundaries are being blurred. But what i'm interested in is how your man is dealing with this? See, his ex can do whatever she wants,but he's the one who has the loyalty to you. How he deals with this is what should concern you. Does he not make a big deal of it? Does he seem to accept his ex's gifts without any problem? Or perhaps: does he not realise how this is affecting you? What i noticed is how you said that he lets you read the text messages - this is a good sign in him because it shows he has nothing to hide. If this is the case, then what's really bothering you about his ex? If you feel secure with your man, then why are you worried? Is it because you fear the bond they have because of their child could put you on the backburner? I think before speaking to your partner about this you should do a bit more soul-searching to find out what's really bugging you. Jealousy is never just jealousy: it often contains a lot of other stuff underneath. Then, once you know the root of your feelings, i'd talk to my partner and tell him that you feel uncomfortable. As your partner he should acknowledge your feelings in all this because even though you're not a parent to the child you're still finding yourself in this situation! As i say, he might be going along without realising just how this is affecting you. He might not even realise what his ex is doing (if she is trying to blur the boundaries). Although his loyalty is to his child, it's also to you as the woman in his life. :) Hope this helps you! X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): "I'm a jealous person, I'll be the first to admit it, but this rubs me wrong for what I feel are the right reasons.""So what do you think? Is this irrational anger, or do I have a foot to stand on here?"However justified you may believe your moral outrage to be, you're in a no-win situation. When you get involved with the father of a minor child it's always a package deal with baby mama always included in the package, and most guys are not going to significantly alter the dynamics of their ongoing existing relationships with the mothers of their children in order to appease a latecomer girlfriend. In any event, as an admitted "jealous" person you are likely going to end up resenting the child as an encroachment on your life regardless of how close your boyfriend remains with his ex. Spare an unhappy child of immature broken-up parents even more unnecessary sadness and misery by bowing out gracefully without causing any furher undue tension in his life.
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