A
female
age
36-40,
*mpatientlywaiting
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we've lived together for 4 of those years. He won't propose and comes up with lame excuses. The thought of starting all over with someone else stinks but I'm tired of his excuses. Should I stay or should I go?
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female
reader, impatientlywaiting +, writes (15 January 2011):
impatientlywaiting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone! Thanks for all of the great input. If anyone has the time to read it, I have posted this question in full and with lots of details of our relationship and this problem here
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-some-kind-of-commitment-other-than.html
Thanks again! Please keep the answers flowing, they are actually helping me make some decisions!
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Think of it from his perspective. To you, it sounds like he has just lame excuses; to him, the only reason you want to get married is "just because."
Making the relationship contingent on a wedding will make him feel less like a person and more like a means to an end. Marriage is a very poor decision for guys to make these days - chief among them is the assumption of financial responsibility and risk, for no benefit at all. Besides which, because of no-fault divorce, there's really no such thing as "commitment" these days anyway.
If you want to have a real discussion with him, getting more than excuses, come up with a list of benefits (particularly benefits for him). Come up with a list of potential pitfalls, and plans to avoid them. Haivng specific points to discuss beyond "You owe me, mister," will at least move the discussion in a more productive direction.
And, if it doesn't work out, you need to ask yourself if having a wedding is more important than having this particular guy. Check with him to see if it's marriage he wants to avoid, or a lifetime with you. If the latter, thank him for the memories and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Unless your ready to wait (and grow bitter), pack it in. He's got some issue(s) that are preventing him from moving forward and he's holding you back.
Go find a man who can fulfill you... he's not the one.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Illithid has it right on. Ya, starting over stinks, but that's the better of two poor options.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (11 January 2011):
 You need to leave. He's not going to propose. You've been living with him for 4 years, chances are you cook, and clean, and give him sex.
He's already getting everything a marriage would offer him, he has no reason to propose.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I don't think you should force him into proposing you. If he's genuinely eager to marry you and have you next to him for the rest of his life, he'll do it eventually. If you pressure him and he's not ready yet, you might have a miserable life next to him.
Marriage is an important commitment and one must be ready for it both financially and emotionally. Maybe he's not ready yet, or maybe he's happy the way he is, on this level of the relationship. If you want to get married and he doesn't, either be patient, either look for someone who's willing to settle.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Sit him down and politely tell him you won't wait around for him forever, and the real reasons why he's dragging his feet on the issue. After 5 years together a man should know whether or not he wants to commit. If you can, set a deadline, and if nothing happens by said deadline, it's best to leave the relationship. But really sit down and think about why you want to marry him.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (11 January 2011):
 If you have to pressure him into proposing and force him into a marriage he doesn't want, then it wouldn't last anyway and you'd still be starting over again, but several years older and divorced. Either he loves you and wants to grow old with you, or he's not the one. After four years, I think you know which he is.
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