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My boyfriend won't get a job!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 July 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok...I have been dating this guy for 7 months and he won't get a job. It's driving me nuts. We are both 23 and I have helped him so much, as far as looking for jobs online while he is at home. I don't give him money, but on the weekends I do spend money on the weekends to do things, because I don't want to be bored. Is there anyway that I could try and talk to him without arguing? I am at the point of attacking him and I don't want to fight everyday. He is a good guy, just not motivated at all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):

I went through a similar situation. I dated a guy for 2 years who would just sit at home, and play Guitar Hero or some dumb crap like that. While he did that, I'd spend my time either working or looking for another job. I would always pester him to get a job, but his answer was always, "there's nothing out there." He only applied fot video game stores, and never followed through. This went on for the 2 years we were datong. That kind of relationship was not the kind I wanted, so we broke up. I have a different boyfriend who actually has a drive to work, and is so much better in every aspect. I find myself to be so much happier than when I was with my ex. The best thing you can do is break up with this guy.

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A female reader, nebrakadesra United States +, writes (15 July 2010):

It's nice to know that there are other women out there that have gone/are going through the same thing.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over six months. At first I treated him to everything; food, weekend trips, movies, video games. I loved doing it. It made me feel like I was making up for all the years I was out of a job and had to depend on others. But now? I won't say that I hate it, but it's definitely wearing thin on me. He has a gift for mechanics and has put said gift to use since he was 15. He's also the type of guy that once he has a job, damnit, he's going to do his best every single day even if it's flipping burgers on Mikey D's. But I honestly think that after he was laid off last year the full weight of this country's economic decline hit him very hard.

Do not get me wrong, though, I'm not making excuses for his lack of motivation. There ARE jobs, they just need to be found. With that being said, I fully understand what he's feeling right now- hopelessness- but I've told him time and time again that what we get from our time on Earth as human beings is in direct correlation to what we put into it. If we feel sorry for ourselves, we'll never get anywhere. The same can be said for all the men here. I truly do not believe that all of the aforementioned men in these posts actually WANT their girlfriends to provide for them. There's something going on deep in his mind and his indifference to the work force is nothing more then a defense mechanism. It is evolutionarily impossible for a man to want sit idly by and not provide for his woman and his young. It's just how they are wired.

I've learned to not nag him. Men thrive on their ego's and I can guarantee that his ego is being assaulted everyday; why should you contribute to the onslaught? I agree that relationships are about giving and taking, and comprimise and sacrifice. You're supposed to be his partner, his biggest support, and his biggest fan. If you treat him like a child he will, indeed, act like a child. If you treat him as an equal he will begin to see you as his lover and not his mother. Empathize. Encourage. Help him build up his self-esteem by letting him know that you still think he's a good man and that you're going to help him out as much as he wants you to when it comes to the long, arduous job search.

Just remember, though, never give up but know when the time has come for you to let go.

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A female reader, agreen Canada +, writes (15 June 2010):

God, this is so aggrevating to have this problem. My guy has low self esteem and I have been practising my patience for a year now. I love him, know he can be a good worker, but when he tells me he is going to visit his brothers yet AGAIN, I could just scream. All he cares about sometimes is smoking pot with his go-nowhere brothers. None of them are employed except for odd jobs which they all spend their money on beer or drugs. I have been inching him to getting training but it's like pulling teeth to get him excited about getting a job. I am starting to resent him getting to do whatever he wants while i work everyday.

Finding the right moment when he feels receptive and talking to him about it I think will help. He grew up with a hard family where there was a lot of shouting and put downs and no good role models so I do feel bad for him at times and know that arguements and screaming won't help. He'll just shut down. I try to surround myself with working ppl and working men always ask him what he does etc and offer jobs if they need someone. He has no real experience and getting into the job market is no fun with no experience and training. See what he is really interested in and pass along training opportunites when you see them. I got the college to send me emails when courses come up or training opps and if they seem like something he is into, I'll print off and bring home. I got him a two day course wheich he just passed for flagging. Be a pirhanna and take little nibbles at a time and don't give up. It is hard but a little nudge in the right direction and a ton of patience is slowly paying off for me. I do wnat to scream sometimes but I think of how hard it was for me and with him coming from such a tough life, I do try to hold my tongue.

Good luck!

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A female reader, nebraskawifey225 United States +, writes (15 September 2008):

I am going through the same problem, my boyfriend don't want to get a job and work. He just be on chill mode to much. I work and everytime we go somewhere he has no money, so I haver to buy his stuff. It's so stupid because he suppose to buy my food, tickets, or etc. But all he do is play basketball and run to his friend house 24/7. And I'm very fed up with doing everything for him and he want even get a job so we can move into an apartment.

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A female reader, MissB23 United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2008):

can i ask,does he lack confidence or is he suffering from depression ?.Has anything happened to suggest this ?.Just because someone doesnt have a job,it doesnt mean they are lazy.There could be deeper issues here.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (9 July 2008):

hlskitten agony auntHi

You're onto a loser here unless he wises up. Loafers i call them. Cuz they just loaf about town all day. Thats if they actually get up and out the house that is. My ex hubby was like that. I actually was stoopid enought o marry him when i was 18. But he would get a job, the real problem with him was keeping them! Needless to say i left him when i was 20 and ended up 9 yrs with a hard working guy i met where i worked and we ended up having 2 lovely children.

Dont be as daft as me and end up supporting a layabout. Its a dead end relationship, and you will get real fed up with it in the end. Put your foot down. Tell him to shape up or ship out!

C xxxxx

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (9 July 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntTell him that you've started saving for your retirement, and that the money that you invest now will be worth much more later. Therefore, you're now on a strict budget of spending money on leisure activities, and that you can't afford to float him the loans anymore. You have x dollars to spend, and he needs to pony up y dollars in order to join you.

He might need a bit of a kick in the pants. Make some weekend plans, tell him what his share will be, due to your new budget. If he complains at all or balks at this, go ahead and go out without him.

If he can come up with some inexpensive or free events that will keep you both entertained and is willing to organize them, then fine.

And you should be saving for your retirement now. The money you sock away now will be worth much more later, than if you started in your 30s, 40s or 50s. So talk with the HR people at work, or a financial planner for some guidance here. And then make and stick to the budget...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008):

In which way is he good? He's certainly taking you for a ride if he sits at home all day with his feet up while you go out to work, then spends your hard-earned cash at the weekend. I assume you pay all the bills too?

He's got no shame, that's for sure.

The motivation he needs might be for you not to treat him at all and let him treat you for a change - that means getting a job.

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