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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I found out recently that my boyfriend kissed another girl whilst on a stag weekend. They exchanged numbers and have been in contact since a couple of times.I found this out though by a text message I saw on his phone from him to the girl. After he told me all about how it happened. She approached him. He never intended this to happen but he says he has been having doubts about us for a while now and this made him realise there are problems.He is unsure how he feels about us at present. I am 24 and he is 25 we have been together 3 years and live with our parents. We live quite close to each other so often stay round at each others. We started to talk about moving in together earlier this year.He does not want us to split up yet but wants to have a think about how he feels. I think he has been depressed for at least 6 months. He has lost about 2 stone, has low self esteem and he has been smoking marijuana frequently which I think makes him more depressed! He is under loads of pressure from work and past family events have perhaps left him emotionally scarred. He was devasted that he hurt me so much and has not been honest about his feelings. He cried more than I did.The girl from the stag weekend - who lives in another country and is foreign is coming over here to the UK and suggested they meet up. He thinks if he meets her it will make him realise how he feels about me. I think it is disrespectful of him to do this to me as I see it as him just continuing his cheating! If he does want to meet her I think I will just finish with him as I am not letting him have the option of going to meet her and then coming back to me and saying ' actually it is you I want to be with or it isn't'. I am not being walked all over.I too met someone else who I was very fond of this year and was confused about my feelings too. However, they too were in another country and I did nothing about it afterwards. I did not cheat either.We are best friends and care deeply for each other. If he is thinking of meeting this girl though perhaps he doesn't really care that much about my feelings!Please help!Unsure - what to do! x
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best friend, depressed, exchanged numbers, self esteem, split up, stag , text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2005): Well, it sounds like it's "sink or swim" time with your relationship. It's either break up or work hard at renewing the relationship. After 3 years, you two are at a stalemate in a stale relationship. It appears he's wanting to see what else is out there. In his mind, the only way for him to know for sure if you are the "one" is for him to experience other dating opportunities. This is a huge risk but he may end up finding out just how special you really were and that grass is not always greener on the other side. The question is: If you begin dating again , will you want him back?
Another option is for the both of you to work hard at re-committing and revitalizing your relationship. Lots of couples stop making an effort with each other and they take each other for granted. You two just need to "find each other' again. Simple things like talking to each other with respect, being smart and fresh, having fun and laughing can give a big lift to your relationship. And it will take time and you both have to persevere. Life is a series of small breakthroughs which we sometimes miss while waiting for something larger. The little things add up!
A positive attitude helps. Take an inventory of each other's good qualities. This might be difficult for many of couples to do-some find it easier time taking inventory of faults. Re-Learn to appreciate yourself and him.
Live on the edge of experience. Have fun, again! Each moment could bring mystery, joy and freshness. Be open to what each moment could bring. Learn & appreciate that you have power over your thoughts & perceptions. Stop and remember the special moments in your relationship and why you both love each other. Slow down, observe and appreciate the beauty of what you have shared these past 3 years.
What ever you both decide to do-I wish you well. But this is a decision only you two can arrive at. And remember:
Practice being kind, loving and positive. Remember, we all have to give love to get love.
Hugs,
Irish
A
male
reader, Quantum_Tantrum +, writes (16 September 2005):
According to a recent study, marijuana certainly does cause depression, especially if the user started at an early age. But depressed or not, no one has the right to treat you the way he did. And wasn't that why they invented anti-depressants ?
Even if he is unsure of how he feels about you, the time you have given him over the years demands that he first deal with your relationship before even thinking of moving on.
It sounds to me like he is using you as a safety net. If things doesn't work out, he can just run back to you and say he actually loved you all the time. That is, until the next time he meets a foreign floozy, and the whole thing starts over.
As long as he has hopes of a relationship with this girl, he is betraying your trust. Actually pursuing this girl (and telling you about it) is a full on slap in the face.
Corner him somewhere and demand closure on the whole sordid affair. You have the right to demand this. He has o choose what he wants, and stick with that decision and it's consequences.
Ultimatums are hard, and even harder to carry through. But the longer this goes on, the more emotional damage he is inflicting on you.
You say he has trauma scars given to him by his family ? Well, then he should better than to put you through the same thing. Sometimes guys are total jerks (I know, I'm one myself).
Hopefully he opens his eyes, and realises what he has in you. If he doesn't, it's time you find someone who will.
Hope this helps. Good luck. :)
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