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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a very big decision to make and I could use some advice from the good people here at Dear Cupid.My boyfriend ended our 2 year relationship a few months ago and travelled to a tropical destination; he has been there since. He said he needed space to "find himself" and needed to be alone with his thoughts. He left for a foreign country to do so. I thought that was a drastic step. He was separated from his wife, not divorced but always said he loved me and could see his future with me. I was trying to move our relationship further but at times I was met with resistance on his part. I was not sure if he was ready to move on from his marriage as they never divorced. He seemed comfortable with how things were with us. We lived together. But I feel like our relationship was deepening and he was freaked out by that. He had a wall up to further intimacy. He seemed unsure of what he really wanted. And we had some arguments about his commitment to our future. I sensed he was feeling obligated or trapped into being with me yet still enjoyed my companionship. All was great the first year and a half but then he started to change and became more distant in general. I kept asking what was up. He would deny any issues. Until one day he just told me he needs time away and that I should move on. That he is not the right man for me. Not to contact him. After saying he loved me and all this time spent together, he just picked up and left, without seeming to look back. And has been in no contact since January 15. I have not contacted him either. I have given him what he asked for. His space. I have been trying to move on. It's been hard during the pandemic. To go from sharing everything with this person to nothing is excruciating. There is a big empty hole in my world right now. I have had one or two tear free days but most days I am crying non stop. :(So, the new development in the story is I hear from a mutual friend, who told me his wife is in the tropical place he is visiting. I did not know this. So, he is "finding himself" in the same destination that she is in? So, he needed to be single again to chase after his wife with me out of the picture or explore new flings?I am feeling bummed out that he is spending a few months in a nice sunny climate while I am left behind in the coldest months of winter. And I can't do much here in lockdown where he at least has good weather and a new environment to escape into. I can't help but feel resentful that he just left me for "greener pastures." I picture him feeling happy while I am left here feeling abandoned and discarded. He has not reached out to me either and it has almost been 3 weeks. I don't feel it should be me who reaches out as he left me.I suppose it is safe for me to move on now, right? You do not think there is any chance he will miss me or decide he made the wrong decision, with some time away from me? And come back? Sometimes that is what happens. They appreciate what they had when you are completely removed from their lives? Or am I hoping too much for the rom com ending? I still LOVE him. He meant a lot to me. It is hard to let love die but sometimes we have no choice. Meeting others is far from my mind right now. I am not ready. I am sure it would be a pleasant distraction. I am still young and attractive but can't emotionally separate from my ex so I can't be physical with anyone else. I used to be full of life when he met me but I feel like I lost my spark later in the relationship, always feeling anxiety about his commitment to me. I am working on getting that spark back and becoming the person I am meant to be. I am sure men can easily have sex with the first available woman that comes along. But I am not that way. He would be that way, and that is another reason I would resent him. It would feel like I have been replaced so quickly and like I never meant anything to him. My friends and family ask me why I care what he is doing. Well I do care. My heart is still hurt and I still have feelings. Maybe in time I will feel nothing for him.Thanks for listening. I have been in a very lonely place. No good days. Just on automatic pilot.
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divorce, move on, my ex, spark, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2021): Selling a property does not make you financially stable, you need a solid regular income that goes on for the rest of your life. You could easily spend the proceeds of a property sale in a short space of time, simply on living expenses.
I am sure your boyfriend weighed everything up very carefully, how useful his wife was, how useful you were,
how great the sex / conversation / ability to disappear and come and go as he pleases was with each of you. How easily you believed his lasted lies and all the rest.
Not sure why you say he is a bad person and you are a nice person Nice people don't go with married people,
not for their own sake - or for the sake of their lover's wife and if they exist children.
Don't find fault with him being married and seeing you too, that's hypocritical, it was fine with you when he wanted to carry on with it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2021): Hi Anon reader. It's the OP. Not exactly advice. But I do agree with you. He was using me. Unfortunately for me, I believed him when he said he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. I believed him when he said I was sexy and beautiful and that I was the only woman who has ever turned his head. I believed him when he said there will never be anyone else. I believed every one of his lies. That is because I am a good person. He, on the other hand, is not.But...Just so you know...I am using this time during the pandemic and away from him to REBUILD myself into a better, stronger person. I have realized I do not NEED a man or anyone else to be happy or fulfilled. I am going to be finding that happiness in myself. I am making plans for my future. I am not running away from myself or the problems I ran away from in the past. I am confronting them and finally dealing with them. I am growing into a more mature and independent woman. I was in a very vulnerable place when I met him and he took full advantage.I have lost 10 pounds SO FAR. I have been dancing, doing weight training and have a personal trainer I meet up with online 3x a week. He is kicking my ass back into fighting shape. The way I used to look when I met him. I feel proud of myself for starting to feel and look like the OLD ME. Slowly my confidence is returning. And I will start to be the woman he FELL FOR in the beginning. That is the woman I used to be. Happy, full of life, enthusiastic, joyful... Only another man is going to appreciate all those qualities. Not yet... but when I am ready. I guess he is the only one who can have new adventures in life.Right now I am still raw. I still feel for him. That is because I have a heart and haven't been able to move on that quickly. You see, he meant something to me and so did our relationship. I actually loved him. I am not like him. I haven't replaced him or ran off to a third world country to seek out new experiences while tearing his heart out of his chest in the process for my own selfishness. He has no idea the level of damage he has caused me for his own selfish reasons, which in the end, are very fleeting. I do not see my still having feelings for him or having a heart as a weakness and I won't apologize for being human. More people should have a heart and that way people like me would not get hurt so deeply. I will get through this, at my own pace. I do see somebody discarding people at their whim, after being used and abused as a weakness though. And that is not human. I loved him with all I had. I gave so much to him. But it was too much for him. He did not want me closer, he wanted me farther. I should not be ashamed for loving someone. It just turned out to be someone who didn't appreciate it. Nothing will ever be good enough for someone like that. Only in a moment, until he gets bored or disillusioned, or it's too much work, or it infringes on his freedom too much.He also thought I was not financially independent and I am sure this affected his decision. He thought he was much more stable financially with his wife. But the sale of a property last week has changed my entire future. I did not expect it to happen this quickly but it did.Now I can use that financial freedom to build a better future for myself and my son. And to be in a stronger position for my next relationship.I see nothing about me or my path as SILLY.You really should not be making assumptions you have no idea about. You sound pretty arrogant Anon Reader.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2021): It is as clear as the nose on your face that you hope he will return and string you along and use you some more, silly woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): You've already given too much of your time and energy to this guy and now that he has walked out on you, there is little left in the way of consolation.It's a complete waste of time to wonder where he puts his d*** at night, whether it's his wife or mistress 2 or mistress 3.You need to acquire a frame of mind where you don't care who he is with.You could become a self-respecting single woman!Ultimately you would meet someone else and may find that you are going in at the deep end.But as I see it, this man must be cunning with his tongue and words because you are playing the role of deserted female.Think back to things you could do alone. After all in pandemic lockdown many people do things alone as you can't go out to dinner or to theatre or cinema or parties.So there must be something about you that makes you tick, other than the shape or size of your vagina.And there will be someone else you could devote yourself too.If you only value yourself as a mistress then try to develop a new skill.Or even the ability to just get on with life.Because this guy will come back to you wanting more, once he's appeased his wife, and you may be trapped in this neglected life forever, until you are too old to care!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): I say you get even and annoymously let the wife know. Once she dumps him. He'll go running back to you. It happens all the time.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (4 February 2021):
 OP, based on the information that you gave us, in a nutshell it sounds like he has decided to work things out with his wife, and wanted you to be completely in the dark. If he just wanted to think, he probably would not have been so adamant that you not contact him. Its a rather big coincidence that he wife just happens to be where he is right?
Its over. He treated you wrong, he left you and in the end he didn't care if he hurt you. Grieve and give yourself time to heal. Don't just run out and jump into another relationship. You aren't ready. Be good to yourself. Surround yourself with things that make you happy. Reach out to friends, family. Immerse yourself in a new hobby.
Its not going to be easy but you need to let go of him. If he comes back, who is to say he wont hurt you again? Why let him come back? Honestly? Be glad he didn't get divorced and marry you. He sounds like he really doesn't know what he wants and will waffle back and forth between relationships.
Things are hard in this pandemic and its really easy to feel isolated and alone and to have a breakup during this can't be easy. Just remember though that you deserve more than what he gave to you. There will be someone else..please just heal first so you are ready. Good luck and take care of YOU.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 February 2021):
 My guess?
He is not in a tropical place to escape you. He is there to re-kindle his marriage and work on it with the wife. I say that because SHE is there too and he was so adamant about YOU not contacting him.
I would be surprised if he spend that last 6 months (those that were iffy) talking to his "almost- ex-wife" and this was what THEY decided on.
You care about this because you thought you had a future with him. THAT was your mistake. To think a man who IS NOT divorced is really open to a new relationship, new commitments, added on responsibilities.
What can you do? ACCEPT reality. HE is moving on with (most likely) his wife. Or some other woman in the tropics. Sex isn't going to fix this guy.
YOU were his rebound from his marriage. Which is why he could dump you like a rock when he decided that he wanted something/someone else.
LEARN from this. STAY away from men who are NOT single. Men who are fresh out of a relationship. Men who wants to move in fast. Men who wants to give you the World but not really. IN the future don't PUT yourself in a situation or relationship that doesn't START right.
Chin up OP
Take your time to mourn the loss of the relationship.
And instead of sitting HOPING he might reach out - do yourself a favor and BLOCK him. If he DOES ever reach out it's because whatever else he has cooking - the wife or someone else didn't work out. You are the SECOND option to him. Don't be someone's consolation prize.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): You were side chick.How does that feel?Him and his wife were always together.You were just his mistress.His piece on the side.You were used big time and you should be angry.But I love him.....why???? He has shown he cannot be honest or faithful to anyone.Does not sound like a good catch to me.You know if he did ever leave his wife for you he would cheat on you then right???? He is a dog.Be mad.Stop your feet.Do not take that crap from any man.Respect yourself more...You deserve a man's whole attention.You deserve to be more to someone than just their side pieace.Aim higher you deserve it.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (4 February 2021):
 Only allow a man to tell you he doesn't want you once. He never really committed to the relationship and for 2 years you met with resistance. Stop deluding yourself into thinking that you shared everything together. You didn't. You were just in his presence when he wanted you to be. Be your own leader in a relationship and take back your power. He is probably enjoying knowing you are pining after him. Don't you see how cruel this man was to you?
You also need to stop romanticising the situation you are in. Putting your life on hold for a loser and a user will only cost you emotionally in the long term.
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