A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend recently told me that he thinks I am not independent enough. I believe he feels this way because I always make it clear how much I enjoy spending time with him. He also feels guilty when he goes out without me - although I enjoy staying home a few nights a week. We have been living together for four years now and I think it's important to spend time together. With our busy and often hectic lives, it's only too easy to relegate time together to getting ready for bed in the evening and getting ready for work in the morning.However, I do not feel dependent on him at all! I have a good job, where I spend a lot of time and travel frequently, and we do not share money in any way. While we "share" most friends, have separate circles of friends who we see separately around three nights a week. We often spend weekends separately due to work or simply different priorities (for example he would prefer to watch sports at the pub with his friends, while I will head to the mountains for some skiing with mine.) I don't feel that we see enough of each other as it is, so how do I make him see me as more "independent" without sacrificing more time together? Thank you for your comments, suggestions, and opinions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): ask him what he means by independent or dependent? maybe it doesn't just mean how much time you spend with each other. for example, if you have a problem in your life do you automatically want him to get involved and help you solve it? Do you seek his advice or input on a lot of things that don't actually involve him but are your own problems? That could be one example of him thinking you're not independent enough even if you do give him a lot of space. has he had past relationships with clingy smothering women such that he's now hyper sensitive about anything he perceives as being even remotely clingy?it's true that different people simply have different emotional needs for how close they want to be to the other person. Some people are not happy unless they are totally involved in every aspect of their significant other's lives and know every detail of what their partner is up to. At the other extreme, some people get extremely uncomfortable with the idea of anyone having such access to their lives (I happen to be one of those). There's no right or wrong way, it just matters that both people find a common ground where they are both satisfied with the level of access and involvement.it could also be that maybe he is disengaging from the relationship which is why he doesn't want to be as involved anymore and he's trying to get you to similarly disengage as well.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 It does not sound like you are dependent on him at all.
You need way more information from him. Ask for examples of how you are dependent on him.
Perhaps he is projecting how he feels about you?
hmmm... this has me very curious.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): It could be he knows he should be spending more time with you, that he should be putting more into your relationship, and he's putting off that guilt onto you.
On the other hand, in a relationship, it should come naturally to WANT to spend more time together. It does beg the question of how much a priority you really are to him if you weren't making it happen. That maybe he wants even more independence from your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2012):
 I would ask him what exactly he means. I see nothing in your post the show you are dependant on him or not independent at all.
I think his statement requires a conversation and an explanation.
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