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My boyfriend said he was bi-curious, but found out he's more... help!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 February 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2009)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I am a female who wrote a question about my live in boyfriend. I wrote that I was worried because he had been bi-curious before he had met me. He and I had been dating for 4 months then moved in together. After several weeks I came accross some things on his computer (we share same computer) Anyways I found out he had been on a bi-sexual support group forum. I conforted this to him and ask if he was bi-sexual. He said that was in his past and that he was afraid to tell me because he was ashamed. He reassured me that he didint like it, and that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. Everyone gave me advice that I should get over it, and learn to deal with it, if I loved him. Well come to find out I found even more things about him. I found a cd in my closet that had him doing all kinds of bi-sexual things. It disturbed me terribly. I felt like I never really knew him at all. I was hurt because I loved this man, and I felt betrayed. From what I saw, he was not just bi-curious.I feel in my heart he should of been honest with me from the beginning. Especially when it comes to health concerns. As an update I decided it was best for him to leave. I know hes hurt about the situation, but so am I. After the anger dies down I still would like to be friends with him, but I know hes angry. How can I make him relaize that Im not judging him for who he is,It's just I cant be with a guy who is bi-sexual.I tried talking to him, but right now hes angry and so am I.

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A female reader, loving arms United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2009):

ok, i understand your upset about not haing the whole truth from your boyfriend. However bi-sexual does not mean he's sleeping with two partners at the same time. Loving someone is about loving the person, regardless if they're male or female. If he's committed to you, then it's you he wants. You cannot be sure he wont want to have a relationship with a guy at a later date. That said we cannot tell the future and who's to say you wont want a different guy at a later date? Decide why you ended the relationship. Was it because he lied? or because you do not want a bi boyfriend or incase he should leave you for a guy? Be honest with youself and him and maybe one day you will be friends again. Good luck with whatever happens.

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A male reader, ISOHaven United States +, writes (27 February 2009):

Bi-sexual things? What things? Has he or has he not been another guy?

Just to lay something out on the table for you to look at, men have a prostate. It feels good to massage the prostate and the only way to get to it is through the rear. For some reason a lot of guys confuse the "liking" of this action with being gay. That simply is NOT the case. But it causes them to become confused and to wonder.

After reading your post I'm still wondering about whether or not he find comfort with men. That and only that means you are gay or Bi.

But, if these bi sexual things you found are him being with another man then it seems you are on the right path for what is best for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 February 2009):

Honeypie agony auntI think you need to do what you feel is right. I'm sorry that it hurt his feelings, but hiding stuff in a relationship (specially in the beginning) can cause so much drama.

He might have had a phase where he experimented with bi sexuality and he might be over it, though keeping "memento's" like the dvd kinda show that it's not that far in the past for him or far from his mind.

If he can't understand, then by all means stop having contact with him. Being bi-sexual is not for everyone, my guess is he is aware that you wouldn't like it, so he hid it.

Good luck,

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (27 February 2009):

k_c100 agony auntYou claimed you feel like you dont know him at all, and the truth is after 4 months you do not. You cannot wholly know anyone in that space of time, and the fact is you moved in too soon and now you are paying for that mistake.

Why do you still want to be friends with him? I cannot understand this huge to desire to still be friends with an ex, surely when it is over its over, there is no need to prolong the pain. He is angry, you are angry and if you try and stay friends there will only be more confrontations about this. I believe you should just accept that it is over, learn from your mistakes and move on. There is no point in holding onto the past.

If you are adamant you must do the friends thing then give him some time to get over the anger and maybe he will want to speak to you again/listen to what you have to say. You cannot push him though, clearly he did love you and is hurt by the ending of the relationship.

I hope this helps!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009):

Well, I can understand why you feel the way you do. This is shocking, but I HOPE you tell him it's not the end. You just need time to sort through your feelings. Who knows, you could do more research and find out some men go through these stages of sexual confusion, and in the end they want to be straight as an arrow. (society is screwed up) You could explain you have a fear that he could one day decide he 'doesn't' want to be straight, and your acting on that fear. He should be able to understand it's a valid feeling for you. Maybe write to him in an email (your feelings) to defuse the anger. hope this helps

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