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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: DearCupid,I'm 19 years old. I'm a nice girl, I know I'm smart and talented, witty, a bit shy and kind. I hate sounding arrogant, I like to consider myself as humble and a lot of people think I'm humble. The thing is, I'm a good girl. But I'm not the prettiest. And I feel like I'll never be enough.Here where I live there has been a lot of talk lately because some stripper decided it was a great idea to perform a pole dance show in the subway. Of course all men liked it and some women said they didn't care but most disliked it. I personally feel awful, because now it's not only confined to strip clubs, it's EVERYWHERE! And yes, this makes me feel insecure. I admit it. I'm insecure.It's just, being myself has never been beneficial to me. I have friends. But not many, I was never popular, and a lot of people ignored me. And let's not talk about guy, every single one rejected me. But I was myself, I was friendly and approachable, I was witty and smart, funny, kind, talented! Yet they all went for the hottie... some of those "hotties" were total air heads, totally selfish and full of themselves... so how is having a good personality better than having a good body? I was proven wrong in this at least 10 times through high school... and now that I have a boyfriend and am in college, I still see it happen to other girls. I know it also goes both ways, but I see it more often with guys rejecting girls...My boyfriend loves me tons. But we were talking about strippers and he admitted they have great bodies, better than most girls, "because that's their job". Sometimes I think I shouldn't be involved with anyone, because I find it so hard to swallow the whole "it's a man's thing" bit. I feel so awful about myself for being this insecure and caring so much about this, being so sensitive about this topic.All of this makes me feel like I'll never be enough. My boyfriend does love me and think I'm pretty and that I have talents, I'm kind and smart, but still, he admitted that physically I'm not enough... strippers have better bodies. And now it's in my face, and people in internet forums have all told me to quit being so insecure. As if being insecure was some disgusting trait... Now I feel worse!My boyfriend has talked about marriage, and that I'm the love of his life, and frankly I feel the same about him too, but I just find it so hard to accept that he (and any man, really) thinks sexually of other women, that he knows there are better looking girls, and that physically he's "settling" for me! I'm not like that I don't think sexually of other men, so I don't relate. He knows I'm insecure and he says he'd never go to a strip show because he's not interested. But I think he's lying I told him he could go if he wanted, that he shouldn't miss out because of me. He said he has his own woman to lust over and do things... and I think it's very sweet that he considers my feelings like this. But he's already admitted that strippers have better bodies (he went to a strip show years before meeting me), so I do believe he has the odd desire to go have a look every once in a while. But he won't not to hurt me. But I don't want him to miss out. And he doesn't wanna talk about this because he thinks I'll get upset.How can I effectively learn to accept this is a "man's thing" and just live with it? I can't help feeling inadequate with all the representations of attractive females in society... I feel I can't live up to the ideal of the perfect female. I grew up being told that being myself was all it took, and while being myself is good, it'll never be completely enough! Should I go off relationships? I feel like maybe I'm not here to fall in love and be loved, maybe I'm here to do great community work or who knows, but I'll never be enough in a relationship, especially since I can't deal with the fact that men will always find someone more attractive to lust over. I don't want my partner to lust over someone better than me. I feel like I'm going insane and that I'm an awful person because of this. What can I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jaymelou69  +, writes (25 January 2011):
omg i feel the same way as you i have a boyfriend who i love to bits talked bout marriage babies ect but he is always window shopping always going on about tidy bodies ect well iv had to kids so i no i aint got a firm tum and my boobs have gone so i feel really bad about myself i feel so low and its causing us to fight all the time. i cant stand feeling like this dont help that im brown haired and he is always going for blondes :-( would dye my hair but i really dont suit blonde lol i hope you feel better about yourself soon and just think your a much nicer person than them pretty girls or what ever you want to call them all stuck up would back stab you let them get on with it smile makes a person a lot more prettier you keep your chin up and smile :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): i know how you feel and your not wrong at all to feel like that i feel like that too!
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (11 July 2008):
 There are always going to be better looking women with bigger boobs that make a girl insecure; just like there are men that are tall, dark and handsome with broad shoulders that make other men insecure...these type of men probably make your boyfriend insecure as well!
Love is more than just skin deep though! Your boyfriend isn't "settling" for you; he hopefully appreciates you for who you are and is commited to you. Although only you can decide if ultimately he is or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): To quote a saying "No matter how good she looks, there's always some other guy pissed off with her attitude"
Of course strippers have nice bodies - that's why they get the job, just the same as male porn stars get the job because they're abnormally rigged or they can keep three women going at it for 45 minutes without taking a break.
Beauty is what lies beneath the surface. Your personality. That's what men eventually look for after they've got over the semi-juvenile lusting after the bodies of strippers which, lets face it, are rather abnormal too! It's what lies in your attitude and your sense of humour, your attitude towards other people and how you relate to them and interact with them that are the most important things when looking at a long-term relationship. You accept the flaws in each others bodies because you know you have flaws of your own. No-one is perfect - not even the strippers, who are probably bitches to live with with their inflated egos.
Trust me, not many men would want to hook up with a stripper for more than a few nights before getting pissed off with her attitude. You are what you are, and there's nothing going to change that, so be grateful for the endearing qualities that you DO have and make the best of them. Put another way, flirt with your mind rather than your body, which is a far more attractive trait in a woman than a 'perfect' body, which will change in years to come, but your mind will remain the same.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): plus, if he really loves you, he won't be lusting after other women.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): listen, there will always be more attractive humans around. men, women, whatever. my girl tells me about men that she thinks are handsome all the time. i tell her the same thing about women i find attractive if it comes up. its nothing to worry about. the point is that, just because there are still attractive humans outside your relationship, does that make what you two have together any less special? of course not! if you two really love eachother, than something of this nature will not dampen your relationship. because even if there are still attractive people walking the earth (which there are), they don't matter, because they are nothing but spectators on the outside of your special relationship. thats nothing to worry about! have confidence in yourself, too! give yourself credit for the good things you are!
i hope this helps
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