A
female
age
36-40,
*isswintereyes
writes:"OPs Own Title" My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months, and we've grown extremely close to each other. He's a wonderful guy, and we've talked seriously about marraige. However I have a small problem: he's read my journal twice now. The first time he read it, he'd found an old one, and read something I'd written about an ex. We had a little fight, but I thought we'd worked it out. However a couple days ago, he began asking questions.. ones that concerned particular topics that I'd written about a week ago in my journal. I knew he'd read it again, and I asked him about it. I didn't want to have another fight. We talked it over again. I tried to understand where he's coming from, and why he keeps doing this. We don't have any communication issues, we're very open. He said he keeps invading my privacy because he has low self esteem and just wants to "know how he's doing". I feel like I make it very clear how much I care about him. He even acknowledges that it isn't a good excuse to go through my stuff. He can be a jealous guy, and also said he does things like this, or gets upset sometimes when I talk to other friends, to "get attention". I think he's right about it all stemming from a lack of self confidence, but I'm not sure what to do. In most ways, he's wonderful. But this is something I want to start working on before we get any more serious. Please help! Thanks.
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confidence, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sweetie_pp +, writes (5 March 2013):
Curious to know how this has worked out for you. I have the same issue. Are you married?
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Keep your journal in a bear trap. I had an ex who would do the same thing. Threatened with loss of life and/or limb they usually figure it out.
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A
female
reader, misswintereyes +, writes (15 June 2010):
misswintereyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for such thoughtful answers. I really needed a fresh perspective. And this was all fantastic advice and I appreciate immensely!
Keeping a journal online or through microsoft word sounds like a good idea. I might try it (although I do like the physical book to have, to be able to paste things in/doodle/etc.) But I'm willing to compromise, and if that's what it takes to make this better, then I'd be more than happy to give it a try. So thanks for that advice :)
I do worry that it isn't really about the journal though, but more an overriding issue that I'm not sure how to tackle (and I do want to tackle it. I know it was mentioned a few times that I could consider leaving him, but I really don't want to. I will if its absolutely helpless, but I don't believe it is yet. He knows what he's doing is wrong and hurtful, and he takes full responsibilty for it.. he's just having a hard time controlling himself, but he is acknowledging it at least, and I think that's an important first step)
However in saying that, I do worry that it may be one of those situations where if it's not about the journal, then it'll be about something else. He's so polite and kind, I really don't think he snoops just to hurt me. If I believed that, then I would've broken it off ages ago. I just feel like it isn't time to quit yet, that maybe there's something to be done that would help.
Anyway, I'm rambling :P But really, thank you guys so much. This has been eating up my thoughts for the last few days, and its great to hear another person's take on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Buy a lockbox, if he moans about trust, then you moan about privacy. Make that the end of the issue and tell him you don't want him to bring it up again. Make it one with a secure combo lock, so he won't make an argument about getting the key.
Take a firm stance and tell him if he's not willing to sort out his idiotic insecurity then what he fears will come true and you'll be gone. Seriously he has to stop or he will sour an othwerwise great relationship.
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A
female
reader, DaisyDuke  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Ohhhhh snap! He has absolutely no right to read your journal. Despite the fact he's insecure, as the previous poster said! Those are your personal thoughts and you have every right to be writing what is on your mind. Everyone thinks about there ex's at some point even if it's not in a romantic way, most of the time its reminiscing.
Anyway, I'd suggest you perhaps submit an online blog of some sort to document your diary? And make it private, so just you can view it? I could recommend blog sites this is possible on if you like. That way he can't read it.
Just give him some healthy re-assurance that its only him you care about, and because you see friends doesn't mean you want attention from them at all, it just means you want to see them because they are your friends!
But overall, don't let him control you! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 June 2010):
 OMG. It doesn't matter one bit if he's insecure, or has no confidence, or low self-esteem. What he really has is no respect for YOU, especially if he's digging up your journal MORE than once.
I would have ripped his head off the first time, and broken up with him the second time. You think his privacy issues will get better?? NO WAY. As he gets closer to you, he will ignore your boundaries more and more and more. Fast forward to 5 years from now, and you're married to him with a kid. Imagine him following you around everywhere, grabbing your purse and going through it on a regular basis, starting fights and verbally abusing you because you're looking at someone in a way that he doesn't like.
RUN away from this guy. It doesn't matter about his wonderful parts. His reading your journal over and over should be a serious deal breaker. People TALK to each other to gain intimacy. They don't steal journals, read them, and then get into a fight with you about it.
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