A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I started dating about four years ago. Over a year ago, we decided to end things, or take a break, because of pressure and disapproval from family and friends. We've since worked through those obstacles and are now closer than ever. My problem is that when we were apart I started seeing someone else but never told my boyfriend that I had been intimate with this other man. I recently let him know the whole truth, and it has been very (understandably) hard for him to accept, especially since he was under the impression that he was the only one I had ever been with. How can I regain his trust and prove to him that I will never allow myself to be dishonest with him again? We are both looking for ways to deal with this, so any advice would be helpful!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): Hello. Not to be a downer, but you probably can't. My boyfriend did this same thing to me, although it was his decision to take the break. Take it from someone on the other end of this situation. I'm sure that he, like I still do, feels betrayed and extremely hurt. I still can't shake the feeling that if my boyfriend really loved me that he wouldn't have slept with someone else. To be honest, unless you two really think you're "soulmates," he's never going to trust you 100% ever again. Also, ask yourself: If I really love him, why did I want to and then act on the desire to sleep with someone else?
A
female
reader, Butterflyfly  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 Separation or taking a break means being separated and having a brreak with all that involves.. just because you are more flexible and were able to meet someone else instead of feelign all miserable doesn't make you a bad person . the fact that you told him now shows that you what to be honest with him. but he is also right to feel hurt, given he cares about you a lot. i think he needs some tlc to be ok..
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (28 July 2007):
 You really don't "owe" him an explanation or apology. Curiosity killed the cat in this case. Perhaps he didn't sleep with anybody while you were apart and now feels like he missed a chance. Perhaps he feels like you got away with one and he's in second place.
In a nutshell, what's bothering him is this. He wants things to be as they were before the break up. They're not. You were apart and had no commitment to him. Did he date, kiss, fool around etc. with nobody else? What's hurting him is his pride. You were obviously attracted to another guy, got naked and had sex. When you break it down to the mechanics of what happened and he pictures each moment in his head, his stomach hurts. He pictures you being turned on by another guy. He hates the fact there is another guy walking around, knowing what makes you tick, in a sexual way.
That is just an explanation. It doesn't make him correct about his approach, it's just an explanation about how he's thinking. I broke it down into simple terms, but graphic. You can't change the past. He has to get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Im sorry. Whats wrong with everybody????
But 4 years is a long time! so you go on a short break and sleep with sum1 else ?
Im sorry, but a break is to have some space and try and sort things out or whatever, not jump into bed with another guy! I would never dream of doing such a thing. Fair enough, if you seperate, thats fine, thats totally different! but think about it? a break is not permanant seperation! You cheated!I repeat, a break is NOT seperation. Its space!
You deserve everything you get love, and your guy deserves better!
Infact i hope he comes to his sensesand meets sum1 who wont jump into bed as soon as space is needed!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 July 2007):
 I have to say that Flower Girl does have a point, it was not like you were abusing a trust while you were together, you were on a break. Keep telling yourself that.
Did you know at the time that you were going to get back together again - answer NO.
Did your bf see anyone at all while you were on your break? Has he ever said as a year is a long time on your own at your age. Has he just never told you or do you know for a fact.
So your time with this other guy became intimate, it isn't a crime as you were doing nothing wrong.
You decided to tell your bf that you were with another guy during this break. You have been honest and rather than keeping it to yourself you have been brave enough to get this out into the open. Good on you girl.
If this is going to be such an issue then you need to look at your relationship a little closer.
Why not think about getting a relationship counsellor to sit down with you both to work through this. If your relationship is that strong I am sure that this could only help.
You should not have to go through the rest of your life justifying your actions. Nor should you have to keep on explaining them or it to be brought up at a drop of a hat or during an argument. If you get counselling then perhaps you can draw a line under this and move forward with your lives and your relationship.
Do not feel guily and continue to punish yourself. Your bf does need to get over it but perhaps you both need maybe one session with a couple counsellor to talk about your feelings openly with a third party and resolve them once and fall all.
Keep us posted on how things go for you both eh!!
Take care.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, kittykinsjellybean +, writes (28 July 2007):
Hi,
As the answer before mine says you did not do anything wrong, you weren't together at the time and you were both free to pursue other people if you wanted to. I do wonder though why you weren't honest when you got back together and revealed this other relationship?
Was this because you felt that you had been unfaithful or did you not feel you could not confide in your boyfriend for whatever reason. If its the latter i rather feel you need to assess why this is?
Is your boyfriend upset you had another relationship ir that you didn't reveal it to him straight away?
I don't think you need to regain his trust as you haven't been dishonest but maybe you need to talk about why it took you some time to tell him.
I know i probably haven't helped lol sometimes questions from others can help you focus on other perspectives of the problem which you might not have seen or dealt with yet. I wish you good luck n hope you find your way to happiness soon whichever path you choose
take care
xxx
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A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (28 July 2007):
something else came to my mind, maybe doing somethng practical would help him. for example dedicating an weekend together, or going away somewhre, having a good time and be close,as a sort of make-up thing..
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A
female
reader, chasez55 +, writes (28 July 2007):
I myself have been in this position before and what got me through it was this: If you were the person who was intimate with someone else, technically you didn't do anything wrong, if in fact you were "on a break". It's natural after a relationship has ended, or put on hold, to date other people. You shouldn't feel guilty about it, and the fact that you came clean shows that you have a good character. That in itself should earn you some trust points. As far as being on the other side, it is always extremely hard to know that someone you love has been intimate with someone else, but it always helped me to think like this: If you love something let it go. If it comes back, it's yours to keep, and if not, it was never meant to be. Your boyfriend should appreciate the fact that even though there was someone else, you came back to him, were honest with him, and clearly love HIM!!
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A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (28 July 2007):
You two had problems together and it's a good hting you got closer and back to being an item. But what if things ended a different way? I understand he is upset but hey it was you who told him about the whole thing and that's very important because you didn't hide anything from him. my opinion is i know he is gutted, but he should consider the fact that your relationship could have gone either way when things weren't good. You telling him now is a way of making your relationship stronger, I believe. I think he will understand, eventually, I htink he is just shocked and a bit jealous now, and all those mixed emotions when something that you didn't foresee happens.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (28 July 2007):
 Ok you do not need to do anything to regain his trust as you did nothing wrong, you were not together and you did not need to tell him, you just chose to.
You have not been unfaithful, so as much as he does not like it he just needs to get over it, you should not be punished for this and be made to feel guilty.
Take care.xx.
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