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My boyfriend is making me sad/depressed

Tagged as: Dating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 January 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 27 January 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, *uzanne81 writes:

Dear Cupid, I am going through a really hard time in my life right now with a guy. I have been with this guy for about 3 years now and all of which has basically been off and on. We fight all the time now and break up almost every couple of months. I will try and talk to him about our relationship and he never wants to talk about it nor ever brings it up. When we argue he mimics me when I am upset and crying and has never been there to comfort me during the many times I have gotten upset. He recently broke it off with me about 2 weeks ago and then we started hanging out again..never talking about what we broke up over...and the other night we went out to dinner and I was upset about roomate issues and tried to talk to him about them and he blew up at me. I just told him that he is suppose to be my friend and he never is there to comfort me and we both drove home together screaming at one another. I told him how I have been depressed and he didnt even care to hear or ask why or show any concern for me at all. He told me and screamed at me that he didn't want to hear it because he doesn't care to listen and I have no one else to confide in and he screamed at me and told me that no one wants to listen or hear it anymore. He is my manager at work and with me in school and the many bills I have to pa a month..leaving and finding a job to pay my bills isn't easy to find these days. What should I do in this situation. I am really depressed and wish he was more understanding and comforting. He is never by my side and. in some way or another I believe a big cause of my depression is him. Please help me figure my life out.

View related questions: at work, broke up, depressed

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (27 January 2009):

Country Woman agony auntLike I said before I think you need to make a plan for a way out of this relationship. Arguing at work is NEVER a good thing and if he has called the police out to deal with things because things have got out of hand then they will have that on record.

Get as far away from him as possible and start to live your life, it is pretty obvious that you just don't gel together and that is just a fact of life, yes you could try and talk to him again but he sounds to me like someone who is never in the wrong.

If you are shouting back at him it is only because you cannot be heard. I think you both need a little bit of practice in the art of listening to one another and the only way to do that is to get some counselling, if neither one of you wants to do that, then sweetheart walk away with your head held high OK.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

BFN

Country Woman

x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009):

It sounds to me like hes just aggrevated with all your negativity try to be more positive show him nothing is bothering you and stay happy if he doesnt change after that then i would say leave the guy cuz hes probobly being the negative one look for another job without him knowing.

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A female reader, suzanne81 United States +, writes (27 January 2009):

suzanne81 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

suzanne81 agony auntMe and my boyfriend/ex are not living together but work together. We share many of the same friends which some or most of them are closer to him. Many others see the way he treats me and as a manager he treats them bad as well. He flips out at work under stress and blows up and blames everyone else when something go wrong. People do see what is going on but I think I look bad b,c I get so frusterated at him when he doesnt stick up for me, listen to me, or understand me so I sometimes blow up at him at work in front of others. There has been occastions at work when we argue with one another and start yelling at one another..he once tried to call the cops because he tried to fire me and I wouldn't leave because I needed money really bad...these are just some things I wanted to add to my earlier question and answer to others post....thanks everyone for all your answers and help..I appreciate them dearly and this is my only resort for answers and help

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009):

next time you have an argument stay as calm as possible, don't show him all of this is getting to you, don't him any emotion and most of all don't let him have any power over you, i know how intimidating it can be having a guy screaming and shouting at you.

try to talk to him this one last time, if he doesn't listen, break it off. i know it will be hard as he's your manager too and it will be difficult to find a new job but you'll be so much better off without him.

you're already depressed now and trust me it will only get worse if you stay with this guy. i know because my mum has made this mistake too many times.

if you can manage to find a new job, or more like once you do have a new job and have your own place (do you guys live together??) join some sort of club, meet new people, make new friends. maybe join an art class? or maybe dancing? do whatever you enjoy. this really is a great way of meeting new people, and who knows, maybe you'll find the perfect man for you there. and even if not it will take your mind off things and it will deffinetely make you feel better.

i hope this helps a little, and you can always message me if you need someone to talk to. good luck xx

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A female reader, Country Woman United Kingdom +, writes (27 January 2009):

Country Woman agony auntHi

Well at the end of the day you feel completely trapped in this relationship as it also has monetary repercussions and the fact that he is your boss at work only means he knows he can control you and that is never good in a relationship.

I would most definitely try to look for another job without telling him as he could get difficult if you do break up with him so have a fall back plan, I know it isn't easy but you need to start to make plans to safeguard yourself.

You have fallen into a pattern of arguments and then getting back together but if you are never addressing the issues in the first place NOTHING will ever change, he unfortunately is a bully and he puts you down at the least little thing, you most definitely need to get out of this relationship as it IS the cause of your depression.

Can you not live with friend's or relatives? There must be an alternative, maybe look into house sharing with someone else or look for a room with someone, perhaps check out the ads at your school or something and look through the local paper, it would be better if it was with someone you knew though.

Don't continue to live your life under this horrible all consuming cloud of depression. Break free as soon as you can but make your escape route solid first of all and don't rock the boat until you have it set in stone, money, help and somewhere else to live then tell him exactly what you think of him and walk away with your head held high.

This guy will NEVER change as he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him, he would rather throw the blame onto your shoulders and he is the long suffereing bf, personally I think that is a crock of s**t and a complete cop out.

You deserve so much better than him so stop wasting your life on a loser and get busy and you will be surprised how invigorating it is when you start to live your life again and you will rediscover you again.

Stay strong, keep smiling but get active now not tomorrow, NOW before you are on medication for the depression, don't let him win, you are stronger than him at the end of the day so just prove it now OK.

BFN

Country Woman

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A male reader, Leo Gallagher United States +, writes (26 January 2009):

It sounds like you need to leave this guy as quickly as possible. Stop hanging out with him, stop seeking comfort from him. Break off your relationship with him. The most important factor in any relationship is communication, and if he's not trying to communicate, then the relationship will not last.

You will be heart broken and things will be hard for a little while, but things will quickly get better. Believe it or not, the sooner you leave this guy, the sooner you will meet he man of your dreams.

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