A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has alot of trust issues and freaks out on me sporadically. Half the time he thinks things are great and half the time he thinks I am cheating on him or lying to him. We have been dating a year and a half. At the beginning I was just out of a 4 year relationship and just after we got together I hooked up with my ex and was honest about it. This obviously started the trust problems and to add to it his dad cheated on his mom once and that made his insecure about relationships also. He now gets really upset if I ever dont answer the phone or reply to a text msg quickly enough because he worries about what I am doing. I love him so much and I want a future with him but he stays right on the edge of breaking up with me all the time and its so hard to handle his unpredictable moods. When he is not getting mad he is the most wonderfully amazing man I could've ever asked for. I just need to help him be secure in our relationship and know that I am good to him. Any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Sorry sweetheart, but you need to make plans to LEAVE! Your situation is almost identical to the one that I was in a while ago - just out of a long relationship, vulnerable and then swept away by someone who seemed the most sensitive and wonderful guy ever, ever, ever - until the jealousy and control started. Followed by the constant accusations. Followed by the pushing. Followed by the hitting. What he is doing with his accusations is chipping away your confidence so you have less emotional resources to take care of yourself and resist his desire to control you, which is EXACTLY what he is trying to do. I know that you say that he can be wonderful, but as someone who has been there themselves I can look back now and realise that his being "wonderful" wasn't really all that, well... wonderful! What is happening is that your self esteem is being destroyed, he's treating you badly, so when he does something - anything - that is even moderately nice you are seeing it and reacting to it as more than it actually is - it's like you are getting a drug high, or something! Treat this man as an addiction, because his "nice" moments are the "high" that is keeping you there, and the best thing to do with any addiction is to find help and KICK IT! I know it will be hard, honey, but please do this - and remember to keep on treating him like an addiction once you are gone. Just as one drink is one too many for an alcoholic, remember that one date, one call, one "chance to explain and show you how sorry he is" will be one too many.
You ask how to make him secure in the relationship, and how to make him realise that you are good to him - simple! YOU CAN'T! Nothing you do will prove that to him. Nothing you do will satisfy him. If you come close to reaching the targets he sets he will simply change them and make out like you were the idiot who couldn't understand that that was what he meant in the first place. He is a destructive person. Find a local support group, get some help and PLEASE! GET OUT ASAP!
Much hope and strength to you,
Kitty
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Your story is sending red flags up! If he is this jelous so early in the relationship than it will only get worse. My ex was like this call me every five min and if the phone rang more than once he said I was on the other line and cheating. He always acused me of cheating at my job at home every where he begain stocking me and then would ask where I had been all day. If I forgot to mention something he would get very angry untill eventualy he started hitting me. At first it was grabing my wrist then pushing then slapping my face then punchig and well you get the point. All i'm saying is you need to be careful with this guy he sounds dangerous. Tell your family or a trusted friend about your problem ask then how they feel about his character? Sometimes when we are in love we fail to see the bad side in people and it takes an outside soure to show us. I finally left my abuser after 5 years and he still calls me. People like this are extremly dangerous best to break it off now before you could get hurt but please do it in a safe way! Tell someone you can trust if you meet with him don't meet alone. Don't be alone if you realy have to make sure your around lots of people and have a cell phone.{peper spray if worse comes to worse} Please be safe maybe going on to a domestic violence web site could help you. They have a list on signs of abusers. Like they say it's always your fault. Its not! Tell someone in your family so they know whats going on and brainstorm a plan to break it off with him please be safe and good luck.God Bless! From a former person abused.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 June 2008):
 You're not going to see a change until he seeks psychological treatment to deal with his issues. He doesn't have any right to you or your doings. In relationships we trust someone won't do us wrong. But that doesn't eliminate the fact that we need to leave that choice up to them. If they make that choice, then we can choose not to remain with that person, or work things out. It doesn't give him the right to predetermine the outcome, or to accuse you of what you're not doing.
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