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My boyfriend hides things from me

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 April 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 3 April 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, *eppelinheart3 writes:

I'm now at the point where I just want to know if I am overreacting or not. My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years. Throughout the relationship there's been trust issues; I cheated on him with a girl early on in the relationship but we moved on. Since then I have been nothing but faithful.

Problem is, he hides things from me. He isn't cheating, but everything he has hidden and I've found has to do with girl friends; I found out he met up with an old (girl)friend recently that he previously had some feelings for; I found his porn a couple months ago that he swore he threw out; and now, this week, I found a CD that his roommate's off-and-on "f**k buddy" (I wont give her the respect of calling her his girlfriend) made for my boyfriend, and mailed to him, in an envelope buried under his magazines in a drawer. Should I just give it up and move on? Am I being an idiot to still love him and want to work on trusting him?

View related questions: move on, porn, roommate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009):


Do you think you are being paranoid that your boyfriend could be capable of doing the same thing you did to him? That has got to always be an insecurity that someone who has cheated carries with them.

I think your boyfriend is just letting out his anger at what you did in his own way. Just because you guys have moved on (as you have to in life) doesn't mean that he has forgiven you or trusts you again 100%.

This will take time and patience on your behalf. In the meantime let him do what he wants as long as hes not cheating and try to not be so paranoid.

Having said that, its not right if he is LYING to you. I am just saying if he happens to not tell you everything he does all the time thats fine. As long as he is honest about it to you when you confront him about these things.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009):

CD? Perhaps you mean like a DVD? What was on it?

His lying is not right. Honesty is necessary in any relationship. If he cannot be truthful with you, then you need to move on.

His meeting up with girls he previously had feelings for (how did you find this out, by the way?) is iffy. He lied, yes? This is wrong. =/

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A male reader, enjoimx United States +, writes (3 April 2009):

enjoimx agony auntWas the cd music or her stripping? Big difference.

I dont think its a big deal about the porn. It sucks that he lied about it to you though.

In terms of him meeting up with ex g/f's, its his right and freedom to be friends with whoever he wants. Dont try to limit his freedom or change his personaility to make you happy. Now if he is doing things to hurt you OR being dishonest, that is something you may want to consider ending it over. Just the fact that he wants to be friends with an old g/f is not inherently bad, its the dishonesty you should be concerned with.

It comes down to you making a decision about whether you can handle dating a dishonest person any longer, or if that hurts you too much to make up for the good times you guys have.

Sure enough, the trust might be broken and it might be best to move on from this one. Good luck

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