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age
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writes: I didn't really know where else to turn, I feel that this isn't something I can talk about with friends, I'd be embarrassed. Basically, I've been with my boyfriend for around 18 months, it's not the best relationship, we seem to argue a lot, but when we make up again, it's great. A few months ago, I was using his laptop and found photographs of girls that he knows in a Pornography folder. Now, I have no problem with his using pornography, photos and videos from the internet, but it was very different to see these photographs of girls that he knows. One of the photographs was of the girl, and she was naked. This really shocked me, it just feels so much more personal and more like cheating when he knows the girls, and is masturbating over them. Anyway, we argued about that at the time, and he assured me that the photographs were from years ago, before we'd even met, and that he hadn't even seen them in a very long time. Although I still wasn't happy about it, I tried to let it go, and it hasn't been brought up since.However, I recently discovered that the photo of the naked girl, had only been taken recently. This shocked me, as not only has he lied about it, he's been getting photo's of naked girls that he know's, during our relationship. I find it completely wrong that he would do this, and I was very hurt. I brought it up with him, and he completely flipped out, saying that I was just causing problems, and that he lied by accident, and that he didn't know the photo was a recent one. He also said that it was 'just masturbation' so it shouldn't matter. I dont see it that way, and when I tried to explain it to him, he ignored me completely and said he was very angry at me for causing problems, and now refuses to see me.I guess I am asking for advice, or an opinion on whether I was wrong to bring it up? I've had problems with self esteem before, and this is bringing up all those old feelings of not being good enough. And I can't stand the fact that he lied about it, there is a big difference between saying that the photo was from years ago, and from it actually being very recent. Any help out there? Anything would be appreciated right now, I just dont know what to do.
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porn, self esteem, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for all the replies so far, I know how he got the photo, it was on the girl's facebook. I understand why everybody is saying I should end the relationship, I often feel like that as well. However, when it comes to actually ending it, I can't go through with it.
I do love him, and the fact that he isn't taking this as a serious matter, makes me feel as though maybe it isn't. I really don't know anymore. He doesn't see it as a big deal, and I do believe him when he says that he just see's it as 'masturbation,' but I feel personally different, and I couldn't imagine doing the same thing with any photo of any guy that I know.
As far as I know, he has deleted the photo, so I guess that's good? He's calmed down a bit now, and said sorry, but it doesnt seem genuine. It never does, it always feels as though he is saying sorry to just end an argument. In short, it doesn't feel good enough.
I'm so grateful to all of you who have taken the time to reply and try to help me, it really is very kind, and it's nice to have somebody to talk to about this.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 I know I'm probably going to get totally beaten on by the guys on this website for this response, but to me who you masturbate to is a big deal. Fantasizing about a celeb or porn star or random girl on the street is one thing. But fantasizing about a close friend or a girl he likes is another. I know you shouldn't want to control your partner's thoughts, but fantasies come from somewhere. I'm not saying he will cheat or has (though it sounds like that might be the case possibly) or that porn and masturbation are cheating. I am saying that you should be concerned that not only is he fantasizing about girls he knows personally, but he's using pictures of them! Then you have to ask, where in the heck did he get the pictures? Did they send them to him? Did he take them? If it's recent, that means one of the two. Meaning he's either asked for them, taken them while cheating, or they sent them to him and he kept them. Either way, he's lied to you about something major. I would advise you get out of this relationship before you get further hurt.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (20 December 2009):
 This is a serious problem that you need to address immediately.
It is one thing to have pictures of a semi naked Megan Fox or Carmen Electra in a 'pornography' file. These are Hollywood babes who will never set eyes on your man, and would not show massive interest in him if they did.
But to have naked pictures of a girl he knows ..... well that's a big deal. How did he get the pictures in the first place?
Then, to add insult to injury, he is masturbating over them. A girl that he knows. The message he is sending is clear. He fantasises about a girl that he knows.
Not good at all.
You will never stop a guy from masturbating, any more than he can stop you from masturbating, but there is no way he can get away with this particular fantasy.
It really is ultimatum time.
If you want him to stay in your life, you have to insist that he deletes the pictures, and has NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER with this girl. If he cannot accept your terms, then how can you trust him?
Caring Guy said correctly, no-one lies by accident. What sort of an excuse is that? Does he think you are a moron? The fact that he is lying at all should be a red flag. He's a fool. He's a liar. He's a virtual cheat.
Communication is the key, but I know how hard it is for people of your generation to actually sit and talk face to face. You all seem to tweet, or text or use facebook. Talking is what you should be doing. Make him aware that his actions are not acceptable. Then it is up to him. If you still want him.
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A
female
reader, shaz064eva +, writes (20 December 2009):
No offence but if i were in your shoes he would be already gone. He can't be that great of a boyfriend h=if he lies and that is what you class as cheating even if it's just "masterbation", it's over people he knows while in a reletionship with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 December 2009):
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY lies by accident. The point of a lie is that it is anything but an accident. You have to think to lie, so he knew he was lying, which means it wasn't an accident. Don't believe a word this liar says to you. To have a naked picture of someone you know is one things, but to have taken it during a relationship with someone else is another thing. He knew the photo was recent. He's a liar. You were right to bring it up. Never bother with him again, because he will only hurt you and lie to you. I think you need to address your self esteem, because it is probably making you pick guys who aren't good enough for you. Get rid of him, never speak to him again and find a good guy who'll take care of you instead. He's the problem, not you.
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