A
female
age
51-59,
*mmakatlin
writes:I met my partner when I was 15 and we lived together from the age of 21. in our 30's we both split for a while but still kept our house both relationship did not work out and to be honest I always wanted to be with him and he with me we ended up back together about 7 years ago. He and I are happy to go out with friends separately and its fine only I find he is doing this more often and will spend long hours Fri sat and sunday in the pub sometimes long into the evening I've been waiting sometimes until 3am and its slowly got me down that we have had several rows in which he storms out I say i'l leaving he comes back sorry does not want me to leave and persuades me he will change he does for a week then he is back doing as he pleases on the weekend. He works hard and is here all week as he tells me but I think he needs to be here some weekends too he agrees but comes home still drunk 3 times a week I know he cannot change I care about how he is abusing himself and his sister died of an alchol disease she drank a lot heavier everyday however he does alot on the weekends Ive been letting myself go as I feel a lot of pain over our fights and this no win situation I' gutted I want to spend my life with the guy I've loved for a long time its hard to cope with the pain I feel I've packed in my studies as a student nurse because of the stress I feel under. Last night he came home about 8 fresh as he is trying to curb his drinking and he was being nice I get angy i guess as a sober and drunk person can be a funny match I know I should leave him alone, he went to bed and left his mobile on the setee i heard it ring and looked but was a not recognised number then a message came through that said I guess its over have I been dumped ive not slept with anyone else only you I felt sick to my stomach she whoever she is kept ring and then texting saying ok i hope we stay friends. I asked him who she was I said I'm hurt who is she? he would not reply only no one I love you. He has denied anything said its a girl who fancies him and ive got it all wrong. I cannot think this is the same guy we have had so much together he loves me I know he does he does anything for me but oh god why has he done this too me I feel my who world has falled apart can you help me please i've not spoken to anyone and need some support thanks
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 there are people who will help you with this transition. asside from friends, you can contact the dept. of family services. they have a list of who they can refer you to for that assistance. You can't try to fix a problem that he isn't willing to fix.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): Your husband is an alcoholic who has lost control of himself. The only way your life will get any better is if he dries out and goes into recovery. He has to want to do this, you can't force him. Many times alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they will see the reality of what their life has become, perhaps the impetus for him to seek help would be for you to leave him?
Know this, your husband does love you. However, you can never love him enough to make him want to give up the bottle, he has got to want that for himself. There is nothing wrong with you, it's all him.
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A
female
reader, emmakatlin +, writes (26 July 2008):
emmakatlin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think its sunk in he will not change and I know i've got to go. The hardest thing is I still love and care about him and worry he will just drink even more or may-be he could drink less i do not think so though I have to leave I do not want to though it hurts a lot and I'm not sure i can just leave a home with a mortgage to pay its so stressful but i Know I have to I feel I need help with this though
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 July 2008):
So he's coping with pain, and you're coping with pain from his coping with pain. So where does the line get drawn and you seek help and not alcohol to cope with these issues. Help is not found in a bottle. It's also not found in making excuses for why things happen and why choices are made. Your leaving school is a choice. It may have been made from other instances, but it's still a choice, therefore it's yours to own. Can he change? Of course, anyone can. He's choosing not too. Pain while not drinking or pain gone when drinking. What to choose? People choose what's simple and what's now, not what takes effort and may be a procees which can lead to being free for good.
Your living a destructive cycle with this person. You forgive, he goes back to doing wrong. It's never ending. As long as you keep forgiving, he doesn't have reason to do anything different from what he's already doing. You need to be serious with your actions. Don't accept less than the best in any relationship. You deserve better than what you're getting. Why are you allowing this in your life. Wasting so much time of happiness just hoping maybe he'll wake up with a completely new outlook. It doesn't happen that way. I won't tell you what to do. I will say, you're loosing out by this continued behaviors.
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