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My boyfriend doesn't like me confiding in friends about our problem but he confides in a female friend when we fight

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 July 2013) 3 Answers - (Newest, 21 July 2013)
A female Czech Republic age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship for almost 2 years.

We had a spat, and he went to his friend who is a girl and told her all about it, and confided in her!!I don't like it

It upsets me because he does not like me getting advice from other people, if he knew I posted this he would get upset.

He also changed his email and his phone password after talking to her...so I think it's suspicious...

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (21 July 2013):

If he hasn't already cheated, it's probably just cheating waiting to happen. The "confidant" is the classic weakness for people.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (21 July 2013):

He isn't being smart. Guys in relationships, shouldn't get a single female's opinions regarding problems in his relationship. If she isn't taking a neutral stance; she is choosing sides. Most-likely, his.

She could take advantage of this highly classified information. If it doesn't end up as gossip, she can use it to manipulate him; and undermine your relationship.

Talk to mom, your sister, your therapist, a bartender; or your barber. Talk to your bro's. Not a single available female.

She sees trouble in paradise as an opening. She knows where the weak spots are. I tell women the same thing. Don't confide your sex secrets about your boyfriend/husband with your best friend. Nix on that crap. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

He will innocently claim this is for the female perspective.

She's just a friend. Really??? Aren't you a female?

IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS!!!

He should bring his concerns to you. If the problem is with you.

Wouldn't that be a logical approach?

It is really a form of passive-aggressive behavior; he can always say you're just paranoid or crazy. Over-reacting.

Not on your life sister. Call it as you see it. It stinks!

First of all, guys don't go around emotionally spilling their guts all over the place. If he can't talk to you, what makes it so easy to talk about your problems with her?

Now, let's talk about you.

When he tries to talk to you, are you so wrapped up in emotion, and trying to get your point across; that all you both do is yell back and forth?

Do you retreat in tears and go silent? Do you pout and carry silly little grudges and close him out? Do you scream over him, get hysterical, and all out of control? Do you always have to have the last word? Are you always right?

Do you stomp around in bitch-mode, for the rest of the day or night? Call names? Stick out your tongue?

For heavens-sake, I hope you don't deny him sex!!!!

That childish behavior closes off communication, where it is vital.

He punishes you passive-aggressively, by letting you know he has another place to vent his frustrations. That leaves you smoldering and pissed off. Very effective weapon.

He refuses to stop, by conveniently turning it around and making you think you're being unreasonable; by asking him to stop. Don't buy into it. It's total deception.

No double-standards allowed!!!

Coming to us is wiser. You get varied opinions, and we don't travel in your circles. We can do him no direct harm, and you can't sleep with us in an unfortunate vulnerable moment. You chose a good source to seek advice.

Now, what strategy should you take?

First, read all of the above, and justify your feelings logically, not emotionally.

Guys listen more; if you keep a reasonable tone. We go deaf when you scream. All we see is your mouth moving. Be calm, and act like an adult. COMMUNICATE. Talk at a normal decibel.

Don't address too many topics at once. We guys have short-attention spans for nagging. You'll give him an excuse to storm out of the house and go find her. She listens.

(*Cough*/*choke*) Excuse me!

Find books and publications on effective communication in relationships. How to argue and debate effectively. How to keep your cool, even if he doesn't. This is important to keep your relationship going. Reducing tension minimizes fighting. Fighting is counter-productive and disingenuous.

You go off on tangents.

Apologize after an argument. Have make-up sex, after kissing and hugging him;if you both lost it. It also releases dopamine, and that lowers stress.

If he isn't willing to offer you his pass codes or be transparent about his communications with her; tell him he has breached the trust in your relationship, and it hurts you.

If he remains inflexible after you've used sensible diplomacy. Start considering your options. Somethings up.

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A female reader, largentsgirl89 United States +, writes (21 July 2013):

largentsgirl89 agony auntThat does sound very suspicious. I think everyone needs an impartial third party to vent to about problems you can't talk to your significant other about.

If he doesn't like you talking to other people about your relationship problems, then why does he get to be the exception? That is bullcrap. And then he changes his phone password? And his email? Did you ask him why he changed these? Or why he thinks it's okay for him to talk to a female friend about your relationship problems but you can't talk to anyone about them?

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