A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyf is constantly pointing out the hotness of other women. at first when we met i laughed it off but it's really starting to hurt my feelings. i'm not an especially jealous person, i dont care about him saying some actress is hot or anything but just women in the street, i don't want to hear that he thinks theyre hot or have nice legs or anything. i have really low self esteem, and having him point out skinny women etc.. and telling me to my face that they look great really makes me feel crappy. it bothers me too that that doesn't occur to him. he loves me a lot i know that, and in every other way hes amazing, but i can't take anymore of his comments about how gorgeous some girl who passes us by is. i find it hurtful, and disrespectful to me, and i would be embarassed if someone i knew heard him doing it. i'm not sure how he would take my telling him how much it bothers me. i give him annoyed looks, but he laughs them off like he thinks i'm just playing. i need some advice on how to approach this issue. i'm sure some people will think i'm being silly, and that i shouldn't take it to heart, but it does hurt, and i can't help that, and i want to do something about it. any recommendations for an opening line, or when i should try to talk about it or anything like that? thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): I have the same problem with a current boyfriend. It's tough to bring myself to ask him to stop and I wonder why he just doesn't respect me. Normally he gets a playful response or some kind of reaction from me so, I'm going to just ignore his comments and change the subject as if he said something else. I'll see what happens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Hi - well, I'm not going to go into this much with you, because what you need first is an understanding that it's not possible for anyone else to "make you" feel either good, or bad, ugly or beautiful. No one else can "make" you feel anything. What I hear is that you are not taking any responsibility, yourself, for how you feel. You are not understanding that YOU create how you feel, in every moment, whatever you feel, from inside of you. Instead, you are thinking that what you feel depends upon what others do, or don't do. That is not true. That is being emotionally dependent. When you are living from a place of being emotionally dependent upon what others do, thinking that what THEY do causes you to feel a certain way, as you describe throughout your letter ("he made me feel this way"), that leads to the kind of paranoia you are also describing. This is because you feel helpless. When one feels helpless, they become frightened. You are frightened and feeling lost because you are not coming from a place of strength or power within yourself. Since you are not realizing that you are the one who has to develop the inner strength to respond differently to life, to respond from your own choices, inner authority, and power, every thing someone else does, then, can seem threatening, as you think it's entirely in their hands, and not yours - that it's entirely up to them how you feel. That puts you in a powerless and helpless place - the place of the victim. When you come from a place of inner power, you do not feel so helpless, because it is up to you to create feeling good about yourself, from the inside - it's not his job to make you feel secure or good about yourself. It's up to you to develop inner security and strength and to go through life feeling good about yourself. No one else can do that for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I have been going out with a guy that talks very openly about his past loves, what they did specifially in bed, how one relationship he had with a woman and how they made love effortlessly together, how many times they made love a week, how their bodies were in top form. He says if I got fat he would be out of here. He does not like fat people. He looks at other women when we go out and says oh to be 20 again. Yes, it can play on your mind. My thinking is to look at other men and make comments and I will probably talk about my past loves too. Give him a dose of his own medicine.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Thats shitty! What a slacker! Id put it in his face and say well what are you wating for? go tell her not me then!
Or just take the time to tell him you don't like it and you dont wanna hear it any more.
Alot of guys just say it because they do to their mates all the time, its a blokey thing, so it seems as though he misses his mates and is just doing it around you because he also sees you as his best mate. if we're loyall, we look, but we don't touch.
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A
female
reader, Psyence  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 tell him you don't like it. i had this problem before, except my ex would actually say 'she's hot!' instead of looking at them all the tme. i just told him that it kinda upset me when he looked at other girls, just because it felt like he was saying they were hotter than me. he said he was sorry and stopped doing it, and it helped a lot. don't make too big a deal about it though, because no guy likes to think you're changing him.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 Just tell him outright. Say, "You know what? I'm really getting sick of you gawking at other girls. Go get her if that's who you want!"
The stand up and walk away. Head for your car or whatever, or prepare to call a cab. If he does not react properly and respectful to that, then your boyfriend is probably not worth it. That's my opinion.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd +, writes (13 March 2009):
I don't think you're being silly. Him thinking they are attractive is fine, but saying it to you all the time I think would be hard for most people to bear.If he loves you he shouldn't have any trouble with looking and thinking but not saying. Just say nicely that you'd prefer it if he not say things like that - that it is fine for him to think it, but you don't like hearing about it. Either raise it when he says something like that next, or just tell him at any time.Keep in mind he may have no idea that it is upsetting you.
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