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My boyfriend can't come. How can I help?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 January 2008) 9 Answers - (Newest, 17 March 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Apologies for this being so long, but I feel that background information could help a little. I've been with my current boyfriend for over 10 months now, and we both love and care about each other more than anything. I lost my virginity to him after about 6 months of dating, and it was only the second time he had ever had sex, though previously we had done other things sexually in previous relationships.

We're intimate quite regularly, and we both enjoy it. However, sex can last upto 2 hours and he never ejaculates. The only time he does is if he "helps" me out for a while, and when he does it only takes around 3 or 4 minutes.

All of my previous boyfriends have done after a few minutes, and when I asked him if it was something I was doing, he said he's never done it through someone else's stimulation alone.

Apparently, the first time he had sexual contact he came instantly, and he's never came with a girl's stimulation alone since.

I've asked whether i was the reason behind it, but he said he doesn't know. It's not a huge problem, as I love him and sex isn't important for me, it's just, it leaves me a little frustrated and although he tells me otherwise, I still think it's me, even though it's never been like this with another person.

Is there any way I can help the situation? We're open with each other but he doesn't seem to understand the situation either, and I'm not pressurising him into trying to "come", so I don't think it's that.

Any opinions on this? Or ideas how to tackle it?

View related questions: ejaculate, lost my virginity

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A female reader, eldomingo United Kingdom +, writes (17 March 2010):

eldomingo agony auntme and my boyfriend are having exactly the same problem. we've been together for almost 8 months and he has never once ejaculated through sex, oral or anything else and sex can last anything up to 5 hours so i totally know what you're going through.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010):

hello, i am a man having this same problem/luxury. I totally understand what you're going thru, becaue my GF is going thru the same. Most importantly, i understand what your BF is going thru. In fact, women appreciate delayed ejaculation but this is only true after certain sexual experiences, after getting their system used to it. well, i can tell u that i realized that the reason for this delayed ejaculation is regular masturbation. when a boy masturbates on a daily basis for example and tries to hold it every time he masturbates, well his system becomes used to it. As a result, the only way to ejaculate is to apply high pressure on his dick in a complex and systematic way while having the required visual/audible/... stimulation (e.g. watching porn, strip tease, watching the partner masturbating/carressing herself...) it depends. I think your BF used to masturbate regularly, i know i did, so maybe you should ask him about it. I am sorry i still don't have the solution, but i know this, he should stop doing it with his hand for as long as it takes and try to rely only on doing it with u. he should stop pleasing himself the old way and train his body to come via sex. I decided to start it one week ago. So far, i am suffering a bit because i am not coming. I will let u know how things will work for me. What's impportant is that you should support him in this and don't push him to come, coz my GF just loves to see me come. But she is supporting me now in my task. Good luck to you and to your BF.

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A female reader, Hannah101 United Kingdom +, writes (24 December 2009):

I have read your post and Yes it could be delayed ejaculation but have you ever heard of a man or boy not being able to come unless he uses a condom well it's true because some men get affraid of getting a girl or women pregnant I no this because iv been in the same situation if you are wearing condoms it could be delayed ejaculation if that is the case then get the doctor to give him a check out but let me just say one thing NEVER blame yourself I hope this helps good look

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (31 January 2008):

DoubleM agony auntWell, I do understand that it can be frustrating, and although by using Kegel exercises I have learned to delay, many times ladies have asked me to please release after an extended session. So yes, I do understand, but I have no experience with the "retarded ejaculation" Yos mentions. The advice to research this sounds very good. Best wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I realise a lot of people complain about not lasting long enough, but I find this really frustrating after a time. As he doesn't "come" he always wants to carry on for hours, which becomes sometimes painful for me to do.

I spoke to him about it again recently, and he said he doesn't feel uncomfortable with doing it with my stimulation alone, he just simply can't ejaculate, he doesn't get "the feeling" at all, yet he does find it pleasurable and his erection is constant through out.

But, he became frustrated with himself and he said this made it even harder for him, so I think that there's definitely a reason for it, even if it's a subconscious thing. &DoubleM, he gets oral stimulation virtually daily, before and after intercourse, it doesn't happen then either.

But Yos, thank you for that, I'll research it now!

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (30 January 2008):

Yos agony auntThis condition is not that uncommon, and is called 'retarded ejaculation' or 'delayed ejaculation'. If you google those then you'll find lots of useful information about it. The problem is usually psychological, not physical.

Double M's point is a frequent reaction, but, as someone who has had this to a lesser / greater degree at different times, I can assure you that the shine soon wears off for a woman with a partner like this and things can get very difficult.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (30 January 2008):

DoubleM agony auntThis is interesting because most women, especially older than you, would treasure a man who could perform long enough to satisfy her without getting his jollies long before she reaches even one orgasm

You provide little information here, but I presume that he can maintain erection at length and perform for you with sustained intercourse until you are satisfied, in what ever way you enjoy.

It took me years to be able to master that, but learned to maintain erection without release almost indefinitely. It's not easy, depending on the activity . . but: What woman could complain?

Again, you don't say, but after you have your pleasure, have you tried oral stimulation on the man? That's usually what I'm holding back for anyway, and few guys would not be able to climax to oral performed well.

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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (29 January 2008):

Fairy_Lu agony auntOk my boyfriend had the same problem but we managed to solve it by having sex regulaly ok it still takes a while but he manages and a really great tip is to get those durex play things the tingly one is the best and there are even condoms with it on, or just take longer on foreplay, but if it doesnt work then you might just have to accept it.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom +, writes (29 January 2008):

MissKin agony aunthmm ... I'm going to be guessing here.... like really guessing.

When you say he 'came instantly' when he first had sexual contact. This can be embarassing for a guy and can hit them quite hard in the ego area. Some guys learn to safe-guard themselves from this, conditioning themselves into not ejaculating through stimulation other than what they do to themselves, stopping the embarassing mishap of coming in a short while without being able to satisfy the other person.

However, as I said this is just a guess.. and if this were the sort of reason why he can't come through anything with you, then I'm not sure how you'd overcome this, perhaps you should just accept it? Sex sounds like it lasts a long time, which you should be thankful for if some of the stories about short sex I've heard are true. As long as what you do and what he does feels good, it shouldn't matter who makes him come.

If this is truly causing a problem, maybe you could see a relationship counsellor or a sexual counsellor together to talk through the issue? If it isn't that much of a problem, as long as he's happy and you're happy knowing you're not the problem, then I'd say you should just carry on :)

It does sound like he's holding himself back though, perhaps subconsciously but if he can come through stimulating himself then the action of ejaculating isnt the issue.

I wish I could help more, but I really just posted so you knew someone was reading your question. I hope things work out.

Take care.

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