A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some help. im gunna jump right into this. Ive been with my bf for 4 years now. he had a best friend he use to do everything with and i was ok with him till i started figureing out what kinnda guy he was. ever since my bf fell in love with me, hes change his ways, stopped drinking, going out every weekend, and smoking. his best friend was ok with that at first and respected that, and my bf still went out with him and had fun. then i found out he always tried to make my bf make out with other girls, and would show my boyfriend nudes of girls on his phone and would always tease my bf about being "wipped" or "on a leash"i eventually had enouph and told my bf that i wanted him to stop talking to him. and my bf was fine with it bc he thought that he was being disrespectful also. Then i started feeling guilty, because that was his bestfriend and i love my bf and i didnt wanna come between their friendship. so i told my bf sure you can chill with him.so all was good for about a couple weeks, then i find out hes trying to make my bf start smoking again and always telling him you were more fun when you were single. and he started talking rude about me to my bf.i had enouph and i confronted his friend over an email, all i told him was you need to respect that he's in a commited relationship and he just went off on me and said neither of us are worth argueing about , he said not to worry because he wont ever talk to my bf again, said that hes done being friends with someone who has a gf thats crazy. This is not what i wanted and i wrote back saying please dont do this, i want you guys to remain friends i just want respect. so he never wrote back, doesnt contact my bf anymore or anything.of coarse i told my boyfriend about it and he just said 'so' he didnt say anything to me about it after that.so 4 months past, and me and my boyfriend get into this stupid fight about respect and then all the sudden he comes out and says "you have no respect for me, thats why you made me lose my best friend." i cried as soon as he said that for a few reasons.. that fact that he actaully said that to me after acting like he didnt care. and because he knows how hurt i was after that situtation took place. He knows i never wanted that to happen. and i cant believe he never said anything before. i know this might be selfish but i feel like he thinks it was a mistake choosing me over his bestfriend.am i wrong for this? what should i do or say to my boyfriend were he understands i didnt want him to lose his bestfriend?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 June 2013):
 Bashing ? Op, no need to take it so personal. I was just tryng to show you what very possibly - almost certainly, is the logic behind your bf's reaction, and why he feels he has good cause to feel disrespected. Why don't you do something, why don't you ask HIM if this is more or less what he feels and WHY he has reacted that way ?
Remember when someone does not act or react as you wany or does not say what you want to hear, it's not necessarily because they do not " understand 2 or they cannot see where you are coming from- it may be simple that they do not agree with your logic.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2013): @ cindy cares. instead of helping me and giving me advice, you pretty much bashed me through the whole entire thing and made me feel worst about the situation, you act like im proud their not friends anymore. which clearly im upset about or else i would not have came on here to write thi
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 June 2013):
He understands it, he just sees it in a different way.
I do too. I think that your bf is justified in being pissed at you - perhaps not for having caused the distancing of his best friend, it was not mandatory for the best friend to react so strongly ( although, if you go busting people's chops, total distance is one of the way they are likely to react ) , but for having contacted his friend to begin with. That was out of line. You treated your bf as a child, a naughty child ! You are his gf, you are not his mom, or kindergarten teacher, that has to monitor his progresses and keep him out of harm's way.
I can understand that you are proud of the changes your bf made for you and want to see them stay, but that's up to him, he is not your trademarke intellectual property that other people should not dabble with, without your previous consent ! If you trust your bf to do the right thing, - then you let him handle the situation as he sees fit. If you don't trust him, - you'd better stay apart.
So what if his friends is tryng to get him to smoke again ? he can say no. So what if he is showing him naked pics ? He can close his eyes :). Or watch them, and still be a loyal faithful bf to you. So what if the friends tell him you were more fun to be with without a gf ? it's probably the truth ,at least from his single man 's point of view.
In short , any offending behaviour from the friend, it's up to your BF, not you, to stop him, he does not need mom to intervene. Or, to not stop him if he does not feel offended.
We could debate probably about why he is not offended , and if he is really a good, loyal bf, if he is not and he does not defend you to his friend , but , that's another story and one you should have taken up with your Bf, not with his friend.
Who, ok, he is a jerk and all, but anyway has the right to say : WTF ? Who's this girl that tells me what am I supposed to say to or do with my friends ? If he does not like it, HE can tell me, he's not a minor that needs a spokesman.
Your bf too did not want and need a spokesman , did not ask you to take matter into your hands , did not feel that your relationship was thretaened or your honour defiled . You did, therefore took that course of action, but your Bf does not have to agree with it or with the consequences.
Sure he knows you did not mean to break his friendship and it was an unintentional blunder, otherwise he would have dumped you on the stop if he had thought there was malice, and he did not, he kept quiet . But, he must have felt disrespected , same as you felt disrespected by his friends'comments and more, and at the first chance it all came out.
You were fighting for your relationship- but, guess what, it's HIS relationship too, he should have a say about the ways and means it needs to be defended, and against whom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): @missaqua777 Thank you so much, im glad you understand me. And you really opened my eyes to not being so harsh on myself about this because your right, all i was doing was deffending my relationship. so i took your advice and i talked to him about it, i asked him is that how he really feels or was it just something he said to hurt me. He said a little of both. i exlained to him that he should of handled it and then i wouldnt of said anything, and that he knew his friend was trying to start proublems between us. He simlply said his friend wasnt doing anything wrong he was just being a dumb guy. He said i should have just ignored it. He also said that i was just trying to contol him and who he hangs out with like every girl wants to do. its so upsetting to see him talk to me like this. He never use to. how should i handle this and explain to him were he understands it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Hi, You need to tell your bf to get real- his BEST FRIEND? As if the jerk's his best friend; he tries to sabotage his relationship and get him into drugs/ hardcore partying- and then decides just because he gets an email that's (rightly so) putting him in his place, that the friendship isn't worth it? Because he's really a typical good mate isn't he... I mean does your bf put him in his place? because this stupid waster is downright disrespectful to you and just doesn't give a flip about others. You were defending your honour ultimately- and there was NOTHING that warranted him needing to stop being "friends" with your bf- you even apologised and said you didn't want it to destroy their friendship...So IF your bf didn't sort him out, I would have done the same thing for the record.It's NOT ON for your bf to act all passive and not confront you at the time- and THEN turn this around on you- maybe the email was a bit extreme- but the point is he should have taken matters into his own hands-- so his gf essentially sticks up for herself and the relationship- therefore the guy doesn't want to be friends anymore? That's a reason to blame you for the fact he's friends with a complete loser? There's something very wrong with your bfs behaviour- and it needs to be addressed... Where do his priorities lie? It's very unfair and mean to turn this around on you... It may have just been a stupid thing he said that he didn't mean, so just address it.If he really believes you're the problem and not the other guy, you're better off without him seriously! Xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): I can understand that your boyfriend feels this way, you had a right to express to your boyfriend how you felt about his friend's actions, but your idea of confrontation of the friend was wrong. You are in a relationship with your boyfriend and he has a right to chose who he is friends with and talks to and how he handles those relationships. By contacting his friend you took that power from him and it shows a lack of trust for your boyfriend.I have had a boyfriend do this with my friend, and the relationship did not last. He is right that you also shown no respect for him. This is why I hate this thought process people have that "but I was protecting my relationship", if you want to protect your relationship you work with your partner and trust in him. You need to understand how he feels about this and think of how he feels, he did not get to chose you over his best friend, you chose you over his bestfriend on his behalf by contacting his friend. You were wrong, as his girlfriend you get to share in his life and have a right to express how you feel about situations, but do not have the right to control him, it was his place to deal with this friends behaviour, not yours. I would feel and think that my partner thought they owned me if they did what you did, and that would be the end of a relationship for me. You will probably find that he will be more understanding of you if you are understanding of him, and promise to work with him in future.
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