A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.I am in college and my present boyfriend goes to the same school as I do. We have been together for almost two years and we do have a very loving relationship. I know that he would do anything for me. He never fails to tell me that he loves me every single day. However, we end up arguing almost every single day until we are both misreable. I guess it could be the arguing that is concerning me but lately I have been wondering if i could really spend the rest of my life with him. He is really hyper all of the time, except when he gets his "headaches." Recently he has become VERY irresponsible and he never wants to go to class. I have caught him lying to be about being in class when he isn't and other small lies such as that. But the only thing he lies about is school. I don't understand how he can skip class and not care about his grades when his parents are paying for his school. This is one of the only things that bothers me about him. I brought up the thought of taking a break once and he cried and said that he doesn't think he could bare life without me in it. I KNOW that he is so in love with me and because of this I feel VERY guilty about what you are about to read.On the other hand, I have a guy best friend who also goes to this school with us. this guy and I have always been very close, since freshman year of high school. We almost dated but he moved which got in the way, but we still talked every day and say I love you to each other. Anyway, recently (since my boyfriend and I have been arguing) I have turned to my best friend for a lot of advice and I let myself get wrapped up in how "great" he is and ended up fooling around with him. We got pretty intimate with each other. He respects me, and he is RESPONSIBLE but knows that I am with a guy that would never hurt me but he has expressed that he is in love with me and always has been. He says that he would wait and will be waiting when I want him just as he has been for years. I think that i have similar feelings for him but I don't know if it is just because my boyfriend and I are going through a difficult time or if i really do have these feelings for him. I would very much appreciate any insight from any readers. Even if it is just your opinion. I am so confused and don't know what to do. I have to see both of these guys every day and I catch myself staring at my friend and talking to him so much more than my boyfriend. I just don't know.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 March 2008):
 First lets look at the apparant issues. Your boyfriend needs to see a doctor. Has he ever been tested for a hyperactive disorder or ADHD. These as well are a causation for people to miss classes and act irrresponsible. With the hyperactivity, the brain running at a much faster pace than the average brain could cause these headaches. This could also cause the lying. Imagine having a mental disorder, and having to live up to the expectations of others, and having great difficulty in doing so. Getting to the point where telling the truth feels as if you're really letting others down.
In order to work things out, if that's your choice, you need to first fill him in on what you've been doing behind his back with your friend. It's not fair to your boyfriend to fool aroud with someone else, while still in a relationship with him. Now instead of using the word "cheating" I like to use what it really is "intentional infliction of emotional distress". That's good the other guy respects you, while you're crapping all over your boyfriend by fooling around with him. At least one person received respect.
Now to the point. One thing they do not teach you in your higher education is what "love" is. You're not in love with your boyfriend and if you question yourself, your not in love with this other person either. You may feel something for him, but it's not love. Why is it not love? Because love is not a feeling. Love is a way of being. Saying love is a feeling is like saying integrity is a feeling. They are both ways of being, and they both represent ourselves by our actions without having to use descriptive words. We don't say "being in like" or "being in lust", but we do with "being in love". Love is a choice. Love has no restrictions, no limitations and no expectations. Love is present during the good and the bad, the ups and the down, and fooling around with another is never an option. It's an action you choose to give even when finding your partner is not perfect. Love is love and has never and will never be less than nore can it be replaced with any desire or lustfull feeling. Love can be the most amazing experience in life, but only if time is taken to understand what it really is.
When speaking about responsibility. Everyone has faults. He's been irresponsible in his schooling. You've been irresponsible in relationship choices. You're relationship was having problems, and it's a choice to seek intimate comfort from another man. This may or may not shock you, but your unfaithfull behavior has nothing to do with your boyfriends actions. It's a desire based action. No one can cause it asside from those who make the choice to partake in the actions. The only accepted excuse then is that you wanted too.
I hope this helps to sort out some confusion your having.
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