A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically i have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years, hes wonderful and i love him very much, we live together and we plan to get engaged soon. We lost our virginity to eachother and for the first few times we had sex i orgasmed (both clitorus and internal) it was great. Then after that i could only have clitorus orgasms, and ever since. I have tried every position we can think of, hes given me head in different ways, we've switched things around, i've dressed up, we've used sex toys and still i find it difficult to orgasm properly, which is so frustrating as i know i am capable and it was so good, but i just cant do it again for some reason??Its like i get horny, i get the urge to want to have sex alot, but i dont seem to get turned on easily or wet, so we try lots of foreplay and half an hour later my body is only just starting to get ready, i find my boyfriend attractive but since im not orgasming its like my body doesnt even bother to try and get ready for sex anymore. Its so frustrating because he enjoys it alot and gets to orgasm everytime and yet i just can't seem to get excited.Basically i'd like to know if this is a common thing? do alot of other women go through this? if so how do you overcome it? what causes it? if its any help i'm about to turn 20 and have been having sex with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. Im getting so worked up about it that i feel abnormal and dont feel confident or sexy anymore, i feel like i have to act and fake it and hope things will start to kick in, my boyfriends really understanding and he knows everything thats going on with me, but nothing seems to help???Any advice is much appreciated! thank you in advance x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 so 9 out of 10 times you find sex satisfying and that ONE time out of ten you don't is the problem?
lucky you!
I'm not sure why you think your body is different than others if less than 30% of women have orgasms from penetration how are you not normal?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Problem is youre focusing on "vaginal"orgasm. These are difficult to achive an mostly happen rarely. Pay attention to the clitoral ones and if you want the intimacy let him participate by doing oral on you or using fingers or toys. In that way he will be responsible for your orgasm and you'll both be happy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 March 2013):
 If you're not able to bring yourself to an orgasm then that's what you need to focus on and practice. You said you can make yourself cum, but not orgasm? What does it mean? Either you can make yourself orgasm or you can't, there's no half orgasms.
Not everyone finds it easy to orgasm. If all your friends are able to then they're lucky, because all my friends except ONE have a difficult time getting there. But most have NO difficulties getting there by masturbation, which is what you need to focus on and learn. You need to learn how to get there by yourself first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still completely in love and attracted to him, sex isn't always unsatisfactory , 9/10 its great, I love the intimacy we have and I am still left feeling great afterwards and closer to him and we're both happy.But what I mean is WHEN I am feeling down about not being able to enjoy it SOMETIMES because I feel frustrated because I cannot release due to finding difficulty in orgasm and ... orgasms just are not enough, is when I feel numb and it’s like my body is giving up before we even get going. It’s NOT like this all the time, sex is great in all the others ways, but when the orgasm part is missing and all your friends talk about it and don’t find it a problem you start to think of it like something wrong with you. That’s what makes me feel nothing, it’s not because I don’t love my boyfriend and all that crap it’s just frustrating when your body can't physically release what it wants too. You feel like something’s wrong with you, it makes you emotional, because no one else you know seems to have this problem, And when I said I can cum by ... but not fully I mean I cant climax. And yes when you go without that, you miss it. So I’m not trying to say I need an orgasm in order to be happy, what I’m saying is sex can start to feel like hard work when your down about yourself because you can’t understand why your body is working differently to everyone else’s (or at least it seems this way). I am not saying that I am no longer in love with my partner, this is far from it!!! We do have great sex and I love the other things from sex such as the intimacy, but it does not stop you from feeling like your missing out when your body is stopping you from fully enjoying yourself like everyone else. I have had these types of orgasms before, and yes ... orgasms are great, but the other is better, its more satisfying, it’s even more intimate. And when you can't physically have them, it’s natural to be frustrated and want to have them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): You can easily make yourself cum using toys but you cant get yourself there fully; what does that actually mean? Is there such a thing as partial orgasm? Or do you regard direct clitoral orgasms inferior to indirect internal ones. I find the direct clitoral orgasms more intense, sweetr and satisfying. The good thing about clitoral stimulation is that there are many ways of doing it. He can play with you using his fingers, or you can do that yourself, he can give you oral or use toys. Lots of lube feels good. As previous posters have said, you need to relax and your goal should not be orgasm.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 March 2013):
"..I am completely numb to what's going on, I can kiss him but feel nothing different to the kisses we give each other throughout the day"
Sounds to me like you're not in love with him any longer, to be honest. You're just going through the motions, and nothing is exciting any more. That would explain why your body doesn't "prepare" for it. If you aren't attracted to him any longer you naturally wont get turned on by him either. It's possible to still think he's a handsome man, but it doesn't do it for you any longer as you've fallen out of love. The chemistry is gone. That's what it sounds like anyway, and now sex is mainly in order to reach an orgasm, rather than being about intimacy.
Like you said here:
"he ends up with a happy ending saying how good it was and I'm left feeling worse than before we started"
If you were in love and enjoyed the sex because it was a way of being intimate with him, then you'd feel HAPPY having sex, and happy after it's done too. You'd feel happy he reached an orgasm, and you'd find pleasure in the sex regardless of the orgasm. But to me it sounds like you're not in love with him any longer, because you don't find happiness in his happiness. Instead you feel bad about it, you feel like sex has "failed" or something, because you couldn't get there, and he can't give you pleasure. You find no pleasure in the sex. You also say the foreplay is half decent.. another hint that you're not enjoying sex with him any longer. This to me is a clear indicator that you're no longer attracted to him.
Perhaps it's time to think about where this relationship is going and if this is how you want to spend your life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
what do you mean " I can make myself come easily by clit, but I can't get myself there fully"
I only can orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation. no penetration needed or desired. You could thrust from now till doomsday and all I'm getting is bored and sore.
so after he gets his happy ending... you lay back and he can play with your nipples or kiss you and you can stimulate your clit anyway you please and have your orgasm.
that's how it works in my house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried to masturbate on my own using sex toys and I can make myself come easily by clit, but I can't get myself there fully. It's almost like I know whats going to happen next when my partner and I have sex, that I am completely numb to what's going on, I can kiss him but feel nothing different to the kisses we give each other throughout the day, we can have sex slow or fast, hard or gentle but the only time it feels different as he thrusts in and out is when he goes in really deep, but if he does it that way then he doesn't last long, and if we continue doing what we think might work with a sex toy to try to finish me off that way, it's like my body feels this built up but nothing ever comes of It and I end up getting sore cause we've been trying so long. So now we don't try it anymore we just have general sex in random positions with half decent foreplay and he ends up with a happy ending saying how good it was and I'm left feeling worse than before we started, with another reminder of how this always happens.
Anymore ideas? Any good ways to relax? Cause I try but it doesn't work.
Thanks x
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 March 2013):
Some women just have a hard time getting there. You got lucky the first few times I guess, things were new an exciting and something you did worked. Why it suddenly didn't work any longer? Have no idea. But that's not really something to worry about, these things can swing up and down. Your body changes, hormonal levels change. Did you start on birth control for example? Life in general affects your sex life, stress, new living situation, you name it. Everything and nothing can be the reason.
But what to do now? Find something that does work, and go with it. He gets to orgasm every time, sure, great for him, but sex isn't just about the orgasm. If it was all about having an orgasm you could both be in separate rooms and masturbate. So try not to focus so much on reaching the prgasm and just enjoy sex for itself...
And then, after he's had his orgasm, you can focus on yourself. Perhaps you could masturbate to get there, either with him or by yourself.
You're NOT abnormal. The minority of women orgasm on a regular basis. I've only had ONE partner who could make me orgasm by going down on me, and he only managed to do it twice. We were together a year and a half. But that doesn't mean I go around with no orgasms. I know how to get myself off. I love to reach an orgasm after sex as it feels so much better than if I just masturbate. I also know how to use toys in bed, during sex, and can manage to orgasm while having sex, although that does depend on the "mood" and doesn't happen every time either. I have a hard time relaxing enough to "let it happen". But it works, and things are developing. I've been getting closer and closer over the years. But it takes time and practice. The guy needs to practice and learn a few tricks and YOU need to practice relaxing and just go with the flow. So if you don't get an orgasm, enjoy it even though. Enjoy the sex for itself, and not as a means to "get there".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
i'm betting you are trying too hard
can you bring yourself to orgasm with your fingers or toys (or my favorite a shower massager?)
if so, relax enjoy the sex and have the orgasm afterwards...even if it means you masturbate and he holds you while you do it.
take the pressure off...
orgasm is not the primary reason for sex... that's what masturbation is for... sex is about MAKING LOVE which does not have to include intercourse or orgasms.
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