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My bf's sex drive has dropped and I am worried he may not be interested in me. Help!

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Question - (23 May 2013) 5 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2013)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi all,

I'm having insecurities about sex and my boyfriend. He's recently started a low carb diet to get more in shape. He's a trainer and knows a lot about food. He says his sex drive has dropped since he started it. We were doing it about 4-5 times a week and now it is once a week. We live together and haven't been with each other a year yet so even though he tells me that its the food and diet that's causing his testosterone to drop and libido, I'm still paranoid that its me! Like last night he found it very tough to get an erection and then couldn't finish himself. Said he was exhausted. So as I'm becoming paranoid that I'm not attractive enough (even though rationally I KNoW I am!) it's giving me insecurities about other things. Like when he only wants to do it from behind or when he has his eyes closed if I'm on top (which he does a lot but not all the time!) does it mean he's fantasising about someone else?? He says I'm the only girl that ever made him come without him having to do much to help himself but I don't know if that's just a line that he tells his past girlfriends....? I don't think he would. He's pretty honest. Thanks for the help!

View related questions: erection, libido, sex drive

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A female reader, deserves2BLOVED United States +, writes (24 May 2013):

Does he masterbate alot? Watch porn? COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE says: stress,new medicine(might include his new "workout thing"),drugs,alcohol,illness) could be some reasons why. or could be porn. Guys can become so hooked on the novelty factor that itsharder for them to maintain an erection when theyre looking at something familiar..like you, for example. Guys often touch themselves using more friction and physical pressure than intercourse provides. If a man masturbates too often 'normal' sex can dampen his libido, make it harder for him to reach orgasm, even FAIL TO SATISFY HIM*. Some things to consider, **IM MOT SAYING THIS IS THE REASON**. BEFORE u start to think its you or get insecure.* my EX BOYFRIEND used to close his eyes during sex, it drove me crazy trying to figure out why, i think its ok a some level to fantasize as long as he doesnt actually do anything w someone else EXAMPLE.my ex also DOESNT CLOSE HIS EYES WHEN HE KISSED ME! CREEPY, it bothers me still u know how it means more if u both close ur eyes? Like that. YES IT DRIVES US CRAZY, BUT HEY WE WOLUD LIKE THEIR FANTASY TO BE ABOUT US RIGHT Y NOT? but WHO has the perfect man? Just make sure u draw the line somewhere.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (23 May 2013):

YouWish agony auntI think it's a little bit of many things. First, how long has he been on this new low carb diet? And, does he take supplements like a protein shake or pills?

Low-carb diets are notorious for dropping libido in men. I'd believe him on this one because it's the reason why many men end up stopping the moment they put together the fact that one cheat day caused them to get ultra horny after weeks/months of a near comatose sex drive.

Don't jump to insecurity right away at what I'm about to say - you said that he said "He says I'm the only girl that ever made him come without him having to do much to help himself". This usually speaks to his familiarity with his hand as being the primary stimulating agent. Many guys get too used to porn/hand stimulation that they become desensitized to the real thing.

This also means a familiarity with masturbation and porn. I would bet that due to his low libido, he's taking the quick way out some mornings having a quick rub-out in the shower using random visual fantasies as a cheap orgasm. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his decreased libido and the "gassed" feeling that sometimes accompanies changes in routine and/or diet.

I highly doubt he's thinking of an actual person during sex with you, but it's possible that he may be trying to rev up his libido by adding his imagination to the mix, even if he's thinking of you taking a money shot to the face or playing tonsil hockey with another woman while he's having sex with you. It's not personal..it's like a vibrator for the mind.

I say if it's been less than a month since he's started the new diet, just relax, chill out, and don't get insecure. If it drags on, however, you might want to talk to him about it. Don't get all insecure with him, just say that you're concerned that in his quest for health, his sexual health has become anemic and sluggish.

Then suggest that he cut off porn/masturbation for a bit to rewire his sensory responses. That way, his lower libido can get used to being with you rather than the quick wank.

Overall, great fitness is fantastic to the sex drive. I would never recommend an unbalanced diet (like Atkins) because of the liver strain, but trust me, as insecure as you're feeling, his inability to perform or satisfy you makes him even more insecure.

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (23 May 2013):

Abella agony auntIt sounds as if he is exhausted and is working so hard to get fit that his nutritional intake is deficient. All people need some carbs.

Is he getting enough iron in his diet? A lack of calcium now can result in bone issues for him later in life.

And although you don't mention his water intake I would question that too. If he works out really hard, does not get enough fluids and his intake is deficient then he may be literally dehydrated. While starving his body of key nutrients is also potentially a health issue that could derail him if it continues for too long.

To prove if this is so get him to see the Doctor and have the Doctor arrange for some analysis of his iron, calcium and other levels in his body.

I don't think he is sick of you, because his motivation to join with you is still evident. But the man is running on empty. Taken to extremes it can result in some serious problems for a dehydrated nutrient deficient person who also plays very hard when it comes to sport.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (23 May 2013):

Cerberus agony auntNope it's nothing to do with you OP, lower testosterone levels is common for people who haven't balanced their diet properly while in a cutting phase of working out which is basically what he's doing.

OP low carbs too means he has a lot less energy to burn. So when it does come time to sexually satisfy you then he's useless in more ways than one.

Op what are his goals? He talks about getting more in shape, well how long is that going to take? Because that's how long you're going to have to sacrifice your sex life for.

I work out three times a week but I'm ripped and my workouts are only maintenance ones. I don't cut and I don't add bulk so I maintain a balanced diet including plenty of carbs. OP depending on his goals he could be like this for months, if he's taking any kind of extra supplements they could very well fuck up his system too.

That's a lot to sacrifice just for your physique.

OP "getting in shape" to me means getting fitter, faster, stronger etc. It's obvious to him it means less fat. Well guess what OP, he's sacrificing his general fitness to look pretty. He can say any kind of bullshit he wants, that's exactly why he's doing it if he's on a low carb diet. One so severe and with a calorie deficiency so high that it's causing his T levels to drop to the point of loss of sexual function?

OP it's zero to do with you, he's just being an idiot as far as working out goes.

I bet he's already very fit and healthy, just now is cutting so he can look like a douche from tallafornia and restricting his diet so as to do it as fast as possible.

OP when your T-levels drop you're supposed to adjust your diet to compensate, to slow down so as to minimize the risk of fucking up your hormones. But to him right now, looking pretty is more important than that and more important than his sexual function too.

I've had times where my libido dropped, but I immediately compensated and adjusted my diet. It took me far longer to look ripped but I don't care. Looking a certain way is not worth me losing my libido and you know what the way I work out increases mine, I'm mid 30's and as horny as a teenager.

Look it's really nothing to do with you other than the fact he has put looking pretty as his top priority at the moment and is willing to sacrifice a lot to get there too. I'm not judging him, but he needs to tell you his goals, how long that's going to take and what he's going to do to regulate his hormone levels better. You'd rather a fit. healthy partner who is able to ravish you than a ripped guy with no libido and very little left over energy.

if he's training for a certain sporting event then that's your goal but don't take it for granted he knows what he is doing OP. Testosterone is our natural performance booster, which tells me he can't be training for an event unless he's just a bit of an idiot.

He must be cutting. Well he can cut slower and do it way better or is he just so self absorbed that he needs a beach body right now or something?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (23 May 2013):

CindyCares agony auntI won't be of much help, and I am no fitness expert, all I can say is that I remember my friend who's a personal trainer telling me the opposite, i.e. that carbs make you sluggish and can lower your sex drive, while a high protein, low carb diet increases it. So, go figure, but I don't think his diet is the cause or at least not the main one.

Is he also taking steroids ? Or other substances that could affect his sex drive ?

Does he watch a lot of porn maybe ?

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