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My boyfriend's friends don't acknowledge me at all... and there's more...

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 May 2005) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 October 2007)
A , anonymous writes:

I have been dating "Bob" for 2 years now. He is 27 and the man of my dreams. However, there is this one situation with friends of his that has me quite confused. He is friends with this married couple named "Shelly" and "Nick". This couple refuses to acknowledge that I am a part of his life, regardless of the fact that I have been introduced to them as 'Bobs girlfriend' and ran into them numerous times after that. They invited only Bob to their wedding..no 'and guest'. They invite only "Bob" to surprise parties, house parties, dinners, Six Flags, etc.

While I find this all extremely rude and inconsiderate, there is another aspect to this story even more frustrating..."Shelly's" 16-year old sister, "Melanie". "Melanie works at a close proximity to "Bob" and calls him frequently for rides to work. "Melanie will hang out with "Nick" and Shelly" at the times that "Bob is present and takes pictures of the two of them together and emails them to him. "Melanie" bought him a x-mas gift close to $100 and therefore "Bob" went out and bought her a $70 gift. She calls his phone frequently and often leaves 4 messages in a row, some of which she was crying because she had just broken up with her boyfriend. "Bob" attended her sweet 16 party and once again spend a good amount of money on her. And while you might be asking 'where is the mother in all this'- well the mother invited "Bob" over to have dinner with her and "Melanie" after he helped her fix her computer.

Although I have not discussed my issues of "Nick" and "Shelly" with "Bob", I have told him that his relationship with "Melanie" is inappropriate. He says that she is like a little sister to him, and I say that she thinks it is more than that. Since we disagree on this issue, "Bob" does not bring her up anymore, or tell me that she spent $50 on him for his bday. For a while, I thought that I was just being stupid, however, all my friends agree that the relationship is weird. What do you think I should do??

View related questions: money, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007):

its so not right !!!! its obvious he is cheating behaind the seen and you have to put a limit to all this mass .

beren in mind you are his gf so you must be more important and closer then everyone else so u have to say to him either them or i and by then you'll know what type of person he is .

does he deserve your love? or not !!!

good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007):

If bob was the man of your dreams, you wouldn't be HERE!

If bob calls, dont answer.

If bob comes to see you, tell him your just going out.

If bob loves you, this will get a responce from him.

If it doesn't, keeping looking for the man of your dreams , he isn't the one!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2005):

Comming from a similar situation that lasted 3 years I have to tell you to put your emotions aside and look at things logically. Even if there is nothing going on between 'Bob' and Melanie, there is still a major problem with 'Bob' and his friends. Even if you completely clashed with this couple there is no reason for them to knowingly leave you out. Now don't get me wrong, you don't need to be joined at the hip, but being a good friend means being civil to whomever your friend is dating; even if she's the bitch from hell. There will always be ignorant people, but the real problem is with those who allow it to happen. Any guy who really cares, would not want to hang around with people who are so unaccepting of the woman he cares about. The fact that he continously goes along with them just adds to the point that he too is leaving you out, showing you no respect. From living this first hand, I have to tell you that no ammount of talking is going to magically give this man, sorry..... Boy, a backbone. I heard people say it a million times, "there are plenty of fish in the sea" and they were actually right! Throw that guppy back and find a real catch!!!!

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A reader, Wildberries +, writes (25 May 2005):

Well, You are right about two things..."Shelly and Nick" are incredibly rude and "Melanie" is seeing something that "Bob" is not. And apparently so is their whole family.

I would bring this up with Bob and base my future plans on the answers. Why he would attend all of those functions without you ? It seems rather rude and callous of him. One of you needs an eyeopener and it might NOT be Bob.Good Luck.

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (24 May 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntWow... you have some strange "dreams" if Bob is the man you always dreamed of.

First, it concerns me that he's so dismissive of your feelings that he won't stand up to the weird couple that he calls friends and insist they at least include you when they include him. What does that say, first, about how Bob regards you, and second, about how easily manipulated he is by his pals?

Secondly, his pretending that he doesn't know that Melanie has major plans on him is a real worry. At 16, Melanie could easily fixate on Bob, and I think it would take a stronger man than Bob has shown himself to be to resist the offer of sex from a 16-year-old girl.

All things considered, if you stick with Bob, you may be in for some turbulent times. That's your choice. Maybe his good qualities outweigh his carelessness about your feelings and his jumbo-economy-size pack of Denial.

I suggest that you speak up right now, before these shortcomings develop into long-time habits. Tell Bob how you feel about his friends' alienation of you and explain (using hand puppets and colour overheads, if necessary) that Melanie is not thinking the thoughts of a cute, younger sister about him. Discuss with him what outcome you'd like to see and try to compromise on some midway point that you can both live with. (His friends may never be your friends, but they should, at the very least, acknowledge you!)

Ultimately, you need to decide if Bob is really your dream-guy, or if you just want him to be so desperately that you're willing to subordinate yourself to his friends in weird and wonderful new ways for all time, just so that you can keep him.

Good luck with it.

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A reader, AngelGurl +, writes (24 May 2005):

i think you should finish it with him for a simple reason: his friends dont accept you & he may be having an affair withg this melanie girl as you said she liked him!

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (24 May 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntSay to 'Bob' that you want a serious word with him and that you want him to really listen to you.

Explain how hurt you feel that 'Shelley and Nick' refuse to acknowledge your existence and that you are confused as to why this may be. Explain how your suspicions have been aroused by 'Melanie's' frequent attention as this seems to been linked somehow to 'Shelley and Nick's' rude attitude. Do they want 'Bob' to be with 'Melanie'? What exactly is going on? You need answers and he should give them to you.

As a loyal and loving partner, he should not accept his friend's attitudes towards you. He should be encouraging them to accept you. Ask him why he isn't doing this.

It does indeed seem like 'Melanie' thinks of him more than a big brother and if he doesn't wish for her to feel that way, he should reduce his attention towards her as well as the expensive gifts. He should even be reminding her that you are in his life and that he is very happy. Perhaps he enjoys receiving the attention from a young girl.

Your friends are right, this situation is far from normal. You need to get to the bottom of this, especially why it is that his friends are so very rude to you. It isn't acceptable and 'Bob' should be standing by you and not allowing them to treat you this way.

Make him aware of this. Let him know that you find the situation intolerable and that if it doesn't change, you will be seriously rethinking your relationship with him.

I hope this helps.

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