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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I'd like some advice on my current situation. It took my boyfriend six months to get tested for herpes 2, and I'm really confused on what is going to happen after we hear the results. This is what happened: basically a few months ago he found a sore on his penis ( now we've NEVER had any type of sex between us, we haven't even had oral or manual stimulation or anything-we've been together for a year and a few months. He is 25 and I am 21)I wanted him to get tested right away. He was honest about it in the beginning and told me what he had and that it might be an STD. I freaked out about it but said we had to keep calm until he got tested and REALLY knew what the results were before making any action. I wanted him to go get tested for his health and mine if we ever did end up having sex. Yet, I did freak out enough about it that I told him I wasn't sure if I could handle it and said that if he had it we'd just would have to be friends. He got angry and said he guessed love meant more to him than it did to me. I felt so bad after that. I second guessed myself and thought maybe I shouldn't throw away a good relationship juste because he might have genital herpes, so I told him later that we could work it and we'd just have to deal with whatever the results were. After that we didn't talk about it. He didn't wnat to hear anything I had to say about herpes 2 or how it was spread and I even called herpes hotlines and tried to find a support group we both could go to to deal with this because even though it affected me a lot, he acted like he didn't care and didn't take the initiative to take care of himself or find out whether he really had something or not.I got tested myself and found out I have coldsores or herpes 1 in my mouth (which I could ahve had ever since I was a kid) I decided to tell him in hopes he would see how important it would be to get tested. He said he was stubborn and should have listened to me in the beginning instead of dragging it out and making me suffer, which was what was happeneing because I couldn't talk to him about anything: he didn'twant to hear it. I was afraid I'd have to compromise on all these important things in my life like if we ever got married I'd definetly get it and if I had an outbreak while I was ready to deliver a child, I'd have to have a c-section. THis is when I began to get angry. How could he be so irresponsible? The only reason he decided to get tested was because I told him I had coldsores--then he had the nerve to ask me whether I would warn him if I had colsores before I kissed him so he wouldn't get it, and I told hik of course I would! Unlike him who just assumes I'll be with him disease or not no matter and doesn't care to infect me with this or that without going to the doctor and getting the test done IN A TIMELY MANNER and then telling me "I know this is alot to deal with, I understand if you don't want to continue the relationship if I do have genital herpes. I don't want to risk giving you something that's going to affect your health negatively. I love you enough to care about your well-being in the present and future." We are NOT married and I don't see how I'd ever want to marry a man who was so lackadasical about his own health and about mine too because he apparently doesn't care if I contract anything and just is saying "take it" to me. Is it too much to ask that he be willing to sacrifice our relationship because he cares about my health that much for me not to have what he has? If he told me that in the beginning of this mess, I'd certainly still have to think about it, but I would see that he was unselfish and willing to put my needs first before his. The route he took was selfish if all he wanted to do was just keep, keep, keep me any way he could. No, all he could tell me was that "love doesn't mean as much to you as it does to me" What is that? Real love is saving the other person from what you ahve or protecting them from problems you ahve. If I feel like he's being selfish and irresponsible that's going to draw me more away from him because it's as if he's dragging me down with him and not caring to infect me or not in the future. He finally did get tested and was sheepish about it afterwards. I feelalong the lines of "it's about time" because it took 6 months to do that which is ridiculous. I am confused with what I should do after I know the results for real: I'm so angry already and frustrated with him. I don't wnat to be with someone who doesn't give a damn about his health or how it could affect others: especially his partner who might get intimate with at some point. Which that is NEVER going to happen with how things are now. NEVER. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): Listen, this is over. I don't have to explain myself to anyone and especially to a guy who doesn't have anything better to do than to just criticize how I wrote my post or my tone. This isn't necessary anymore, and the fact is that you don't have any idea whatour relationship is like, you don't know me and you can't assume I'm being "emotionally manipulative" just because of my post. You are just putting yourself in my bf's role and getting offended by what I write about us and taking it personally!And to add I really don't see how checking your health and buying a car is very similar. Don't worry about how my style of fighting however you assume it is will affect me in the future, you don't even know how I interact with my bf and especially during a difficult time. Look who's browbeating who? I don't need advice from someone who's going to continually blame me and not look past that. I already said it's over and done with and it's no longer an issue, that's all there is to it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006):
IF he had herpes, and IF they started having sexual contact, and IF she contracted it, and IF she wasnt on birth control, IF she became pregnant from the sex they arent having and IF she was having a flair up THEN she'd have to have a C-Section. What are we even talking about here!? This is the basis for a big fight? Some chain of events that can easily be prevented by either party?
How can you even defend this statement "I don't see how I'd ever want to marry a man who was so lackadasical about his own health and about mine too because he apparently doesn't care if I contract anything and just is saying "take it" to me"? Thats imputing a motive to someone else and also does not seem to be factually accurate.
So these two have a issue that comes up in there relationship. Its get *all* blown out of proportion by her. She browbeating the guy left and right and trying to prey on his emotions with how he is threating her health and the health of a child she cant even conceive because they arent having sex.
So my advice is helpful- you cant behave like this is an adult relationship and expect it to work out! The cold sore was a minor thing (and I suspect that it has been confirmed not to be herpes)- the big issue is how she fights. Other stuff is going to come up in the future, and if this pattern is repeated there is no way its going to work out.
Lets suppose they are out buying a car- he wants a geo metro and she wants a bmw. Would it be fair for her to accuse him of endangering any future kids (that they dont have and havent planned) because the metro doesnt have side airbags?
She still doesnt get it:
- she wasnt rational
- she didnt 'fight fair'
- he probably didnt get tested *because* of her attitude
Since the test was probably negative, she can ignore my advice to grown up... but it will bite her at some point.
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A
female
reader, Amethyst  +, writes (16 November 2006):
 Hold on a second, she did not accuse him of having a C-Section, she said I-F they ever were to conceive a child, she'd have to have one, which is TRUE! And for your information, I told her she overreacted a bit, but she had to have a trigger to get set off, didn't she? Mainly, the thing that ticked me off most, was the fact you barged in and started tearing her down about it, and didn't make it apparent that you had read the information. Obviously, this is an emotional crisis for her, so what a great job you did helping her sort through her thoughts! Most women's emotions are very fragile, and respecting that fact isn't stroking her ego and saying, "Oh, you should break up with him..." so don't you DARE accuse the rest of us for coming in and "stroking her ego and telling her to dump him." Merely, we were laying out options to help her sort through her thoughts. And what did you do? You came in and said "grow up." Wow, what helpful advice. I don't think she needs to post up his test results, remember, they're not our or her business, are they? They're his, and I doubt he's logging on to post about it.
Oh, and by the way, of course she was hostile with her post. That's USUALLY how venting/ranting goes. You blurt out things angerily just to get them off your chest....
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No one knows what's best for you more than yourself, and I'm sure you'll do what's right. Don't let anyone influence you, just do what you think is best for you and your lover, no matter what it is. I hope you'll keep me posted on how things go!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what is right for me. Thanks for those who wanted to help, this is no longer an issue.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): "Please only answers that flatter my preconceived opinions"
I never said that you should have sex with him. I never said that herpes was trivial. And I never said that you should disregard your future or your health.
Can we at this point acknowledge that you were in no danger? He could not get tested for the next two years and you wouldnt be in any increased danger. Yeah your realtionship would be on hold, but he would understand why.
Now may be you took a totally different tone in your conversation with him vs the way your related it in your post. However your post comes off very hostile and using all kind of emotional blackmail to get someone to do what you want. Your goals may have been fine, but your method was unpalatable.
Thats mainly why he pushed back not getting tested- he didnt want to be pressured. Doing something out of spite is one of the main moving forces in the world.
So there is the constructive advice- dont try emotional manipulation on someone you love. Lay out the facts and the reasoning and leave it at that. If you dont find that information helpful, fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): Like another person said: There's no need to get hostile. If we are in a relationship then I expect for him to get tested whether or not we have sex because we might in the future. I never signed us up for a herpes support group, I looked them up trying to find some place where we both could find support. I felt I had to keep on adressing it because he kept on ignoring it. This is my first time dealing with anything of this sort and it's not that I need to explain my reason to anybody especially the guys who respond to my question who only feel the need to point out what's wrong with how I handeled the situation and don't offer any other real advice other than that--you'r just getting angry over how I phrased my question and not adressing any other point. And thanks for copying and pasting: I know what I wrote. For that, just don't bother. If I didn't think about the future (having a baby) then I would be stupid. If this relationship were to get more serious and we would have sex or want to begin a family, I'd have to consider all of those options. If you had a choice to get it or not get it, I'd think you choose not to have it, my question was how to deal with or handle things once we know the results. It's not like I'd drop him on the spot, we'd have to talk regardless of the outcome. I did tell him reasonably that he should get tested in the beginning, it was normal for me to feel shocked and flustered because I had never dealt with this before. Do we know his results? NO-that's the point-neither of us knew for six months--he could ahve been tested earlier and knew and I wouldn't have continued to freak out about it until now. Yes, this whole thing could ahve been avoided--yes, this could be over nothing if he ends up not having anything--my point is he waited six months to do it. If I didn't think about the future or my health I would be stupid; when a woman is preganant and has a herpes outbreak at the time of delivery it could cause severe problems in her baby so to avoid that, she'd have to ahve a c-section. What I'm saying is that I don't want to ahve to compromise on important life decisions just because I have herpes, it is a definite risk if we ever marry and have children. Please only constructive answers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006):
Ok- tell me the result of his test then.
We are talking about a couple that was not having sex... has NEVER had sex. Of any kind.
She had already freaked out and signed them up for a herpes support group and accused him of causing her to have to have a c-section. For a child she has not yet conceived.
Of course he said "f-you I'm not getting tested".
It would have been reasonable to say "you know we cant have any kind of sexual contact until you get checked and clear by a doctor" of course he would have understood and it would have been over. Instead it appears she blustered and threatened and used emotional backmail about how he was causing her to have a c-section.
Do we even know *his* test results? This whole thing could be over nothing but a continuing need to prove him wrong.
Greatest hits:
"I freaked out...Yet, I did freak out...I'd have to have a c-section. How could he be so irresponsible? The only reason he decided to get tested was because I told him ... without going to the doctor and getting the test done IN A TIMELY MANNER .... We are NOT married and I don't see how I'd ever want to marry a man who was so lackadasical about his own health...The route he took was selfish... I feelalong the lines of "it's about time" because it took 6 months to do that which is ridiculous...I don't wnat to be with someone who doesn't give a damn about his health"
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A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (13 November 2006):
Alright Mr. Anonymous, you're even beginning to annoy me. Would you simply READ a response before you go on jabbering about it, SHE DID GET TESTED. Besides, if you're a complete virgin, there's no NEED for testing because there's no way you could contract it. And as she said, it IS her business because it'd be her body too if she contracted it. And no one was stroking her ego, so YOU back off!
I'm sorry to be so brutally honest about this, but it seems like YOU'RE the one that needs to grow up, and again, READ before you REPLY. Thanks.
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Anyway dear, sorry about that.
Men have these "taboos" as they like to call them. Discussing emotions other than strength, are rather hard for most men. So, while his strength excuse may not have worked, don't throw it out so easily. It's probably a weird concept to you, but I know about it all too well. Men don't talk about how much they love their girls, except rarely, they don't cry (or at least where it can be seen), and they find it degrading and humiliating to go get tests like this done! Have you ever met a guy that was willing to go to the doctor for something less severe than a sawed off limb, kidney stone, or a bullet wound? :)
The point is, he finally did go get it, right? So just know that even though he didn't go about this the right way, he obviously DOES care, or he wouldn't have done it at all, or he'd have just found himself a girl that didn't expect him to get tested. That's all.
Hope the results are negative! Much luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2006): If you look at the statistics on the percentage of the population of people with herpes... you'd go and get checked aswell.
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A
female
reader, marie78 +, writes (11 November 2006):
He was being selfish!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Tux and Amethyst for your responses. Yes, looking back on it, I felt I probably made him withdraw more by being so urgent about it, but I've never dealt with this before and it was just such a shock to me to think he could ahve it. He never said " I know this is a lot to deal with.." That is exactly what I would ahve loved for him to say, but he never did. It never occured to him that this was a lot for me to deal with...and to recognize that he should have at least told me "If you don't want to continue the relationship because of this, then I understand." I know it must have been a lot for him to deal with too, but he never wanted to talk about it with me and never wanted to discuss his feelings about it like if he was embarassed, hurt, ashamed, or shocked as I was. He told me later he just wanted to be "strong" about it, which I just didn't buy. We both ahve different definitions fo strength, I guess. Yet, thank you for your responses. I appreciate it, and I will keep them in mind. Thanks
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (10 November 2006):
 Lets be less hostile here. There are plenty of different solutions to this one problem. Yes it could mean the two of you shouldnt be together but then again you still might. The best and most likely explanation just boils down to miscommunication between the 2 of you and possible overeaction.
You say he's selfish for not wanting to get tested, but what you are telling him can be deemed as you being selfish on this to him, not that you are but because he may have underlying mental anguishes about getting tested that he thinks you are not considering because he is only hearing "get tested" where you may be saying "get tested, we can work this out, we're get through this" and in the end he wants to hear the comforting sounds of you saying it'll be alright. He needs to feel comfort about things, whether or not how things will go, he is looking for it.
He could be afraid and aprehensive about learning the truth and didn't want to find out because it makes himself more mortal and wanted to wait for as long as it could. I was afraid of a test where i thought i could have had gotten a curable STD and I can't imagine how it feels for a non-curable STD. I still problaly get tested for those as well but well.. I would wait for as long as I can which will be if things end or before the wedding. But chances are, he was overreacting to his fears and was getting defensive because he was only hearing "get tested" and nothing comforting from you while overreacting. But I think you overreacted a bit as well, because it seems to me that he wouldn't do anything to chance giving it to you until he knows that you know what it is. To me he shows it when you talk about him saying " I know this is a lot to deal with.." re-read it. Whether he was sincere or not that is another question... but in the end, he did do it in a timely fashion considering he got tested before you guys did anything for you to contract it. He just didnt do it as fast as you would have loved him to do but he nontheless did it. Personally, i do think he shouldn't have dragged this out possibly wasting both of your's time on something that may not work out because of it.
In Conclusion, when you get the results, you need to decide what to do with them. Until then, You need to talk to him about what happened and see what he was thinking and let him know what you were thinking. and offer some comfort. you need to determine if he's sincere about what he is saying to whatever he is saying.
If you plan on continuing the relationship and If positive, you need to see(like any relationships) if you can live with this "flaw." I bet it could be trying and you have to accept the risk involved as we all take some sort of risk. Some bigger than others. Unfornately, it is truly in your hands on what you will do whether or not you listen to any of us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006):
So what were the result of the testing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): I'd like to say thanks to the person who gave me a real and thoughtful answer to my question and say to the other guy who doesn't know what he's talking about that he contributed nothing and why did he bother responding to my message? It's my body too and I'm damn well going to say something if my boyfriend has something that he might pass on to me. You grow up sir, have a nice one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006):
My advice is to grow up.
You cannot control or change anyone elses behavior and it just causes trouble and takes 4 paragraphs when you try to.
You dont have to be in a relationship with him, but it his body, not yours, so back off.
Everyone else will stroke your ego and tell you to dump him. Whatever. It doesnt matter what the reason is, but you two shouldnt be together.
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A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (8 November 2006):
Well, I can see where you would get angry, and I could also see where he got upset about you making the comment about breaking up. Let me go with that first. Obviously, it was a mistake, and you didn't really mean it. You love him enough to work around that though, correct? So all should be forgiven with that.
Now, I can see him hesitating with the tests a bit, no one wants to find out they've contracted an STD. BUT, he should have forced himself to get over it long before you told him about the coldsores, if love really did mean something to him. No one that loved another would want them to simply lay down, and contract an STD. But again, everyone makes mistakes... so this doesn't mean he doesn't really love you.
But... the comment about the coldsores would definately piss me off, especially after something like this going on. If he had instantly jumped up to get checked, and said he would let you know when he had an outbreak (assuming he was positive for herpes), it would be perfectly respectable. He'd simply be asking the same for him, in return for what he'd be doing for you.
You two need to sit down and discuss this, let him know that it upset you greatly. Tell him how you feel, and if he can't take the truth... then the relationship's crumbling is on him, not you. For in a relationship, love and trust are the main foundations... at least in my opinion. With this discussion, both factors come into play. He'd trust you to be telling him exactly how you feel, which is also showing how much you love him (because you're trying to keep the relationship together), and you'll trust him not to overreact.
Well, good luck with this, I hope this helped!
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