A
female
age
30-35,
*eslieArias11
writes:I've been best friends with this hispanic guy (I'm hispanic as well. We'll call him Ruben) for a little over 2 years now. What people thought was odd was that he and I didn't enjoy thothers's company back then when I started marching band (I was a freshmen clarinet player at the time, while he was a senior alto saxaphone player), but I guess the more we talked in our brief conversations, the closer we got, until the point that by the end of the year, he became my very best friend in the world--I was never this close with anybody but him, and I loved every minute of it. And people would assume we're in a relationship simply because we were always with each other, almost hand in hand, everywhere we went. He was simply amazing: cute, benevolent, super super sweet, and amazingly intelligent (though a bit cocky at times as he has a habit of outwitting most people in academics).This friendship stayed strong up until when he started attending the local community college, from there he slowly started to change (he attended in fall 2008, and is graduating this May, and I am a high school junior now), and by that I mean that his quiet, sweet nature was being convered into a somewhat more cocky personality, and has become more outgoing. At first, I was easily able to accept that, but his views on the world started to conflict with mine (I was a Christian, and he became somewhat of an existential philosopher). Although we were always opposites, I can't help but feel like Ruben is just slowly starting to drift away from me because of the experiences he's having in college (much harder classes, such as physics and chemistry, making new friends, and having two jobs).We've had arguments in the past, but we would usually get over it within a day, and we'd call each other to apologize. But now it seems like whenever we do get into another pointless argument, we'd stop talking for a few days, maybe even a week, before we reconciled our differences again. Because of Ruben being in college, I haven't had that much time to hang out with him as usual anymore, which resorts to me talking to my other friends more than I talk to him now. I've been best friends with Ruben to the point that, although I just don't see myself dating him, I absolutely love him with all my heart. We got into another argument a couple days ago: I tried to apologize to him, because he thought I was mad at him for some stupid thing that happened that morning, and he just started being an *** to me, I asked him what was up, and he simply said that he had a "VERY" bad day, and has been * * * * * y towards everyone that's made an attempt to talk to him that day. It upsetted me to the point that I flat out told him that I don't want to talk to him for a good while until he decides to stop being mean to people who did nothing to him. I told him that I loved him, and to take care. We haven't talked since. I don't know what I'm feeling now, but I don't feel guilty for saying that to him, but I do feel a bit lonely (he would come over every day), and I've been doing fine these past few days that we haven't talked...is that a bad sign?How long should I wait until I talk to Ruben again? I'm sorry that this seems like such a long post, but I had figured a little history would have helped somewhat.He has confessed numerous times of his feelings for me becoming more than "just best friends," and although I thought it was sweet, I told him I was already in a committed relationship, and that I could not see myself dating him, I tried to like him more than that, but it never clicked. Could that be the reason for his changes?Any advice appreciated!Thank you!
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female
reader, LeslieArias11 +, writes (23 May 2010):
LeslieArias11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've started talking again, but basically, we've gone through a lot that the last few times we hung out, we've done nothing but argue over the past, and his behavior that entire spring semester. I used to trust him with all of my deepest, darkest secrets, but now it's hard for me to even talk about anything personal. And knowing Ruben, he's taking this very hard. But now, I don't really seem too interested in talking to him as I was before. What's wrong?
A
female
reader, LeslieArias11 +, writes (26 April 2010):
LeslieArias11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe sent me a note last weekend, and I wanted to cry after I read it. I wasn't sure whether he was emotionally unstable at the time, or if this is how he felt about me.
"Leslie, I've been wanting to take some time off from you, not because I'm in love with you, but because lately, we've been changing...and it's starting to cause problems between us. And I've been having problems with you. You've been failing to communicate with me lately (in my opinion), and I don't know whether its because you're afraid of talking to me again, or because our friendship is starting to deteriorate. Also...Leslie, don't take this the wrong way, but I am DAMN tired about how you constantly talk about your boyfriend to me, especially when you're aware of my feelings for you! You and I are polar opposites...and we've never let that get in our way...so I'm trying to see what went wrong. I've always had a problem with you being so blunt...and its always something I'm uncomfortable with. This letter barely scratches the surface of what else I wanted to complain about. Leslie, I love you. You're my sister, and my best friend, but don't expect to hear me for a little while. Don't call, don't text, don't rant about me. Take care."
- Ruben Varela
*I didn't type the entire note...some parts frustrated me. And this was sent to me last weekend.
He came over about 2 hours ago to apologize. I forgive easily...but I was still hurt. He told me he was emotional at the time, and didn't know what he was doing. I told him that I love him, but after what he did, things wouldn't be the same between us. We had plans to spend the entire summer together before he moves away for college...but now I've changed those plans--that I plan on being gone for the entire summer. I was direct to him, and I told him bluntly that although I forgave him, I wouldn't talk to him until I was ready to talk to him again.
Am I being the bad guy here...?
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A
female
reader, Blondie92 +, writes (14 April 2010):
No doubt you broke his heart when you rejected him. I've been married to a wonderful man for 19yrs. He is my best friend! My question to you is this: Are you really convinced in your heart that you have not feelings for him other than friendship?? You're awful lonely for someone who's in a relationship???? Friends are wonderful, but when someones on your mind all the time.... I believe there's more!! The answer to your problem may lie within your own control. He's been honest, have you?
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female
reader, LeslieArias11 +, writes (9 April 2010):
LeslieArias11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I was a bit emotional in my last statement. I was going through some old photos of us, and well...we all should know what happened there...
It's been over a week since we last spoke--the longest that's ever happened. I do worry about him, enough that I have the strongest urge to call him and to tell him that I'm here and hope that he's safe. Just an update, basically.
Thanks, everyone. Now all I can do is see where our friendship will take us now..., assuming it even goes anywhere anymore.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Don't end the friendship. Let it find it's own level. Some day he may come in useful.A friend is always a friend no matter what.
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A
female
reader, LeslieArias11 +, writes (7 April 2010):
LeslieArias11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday, for some reason, I felt like I was ready to end our friendship. Simply because I cry at the thought of hurting him emotionally, and I care about him too much to do that, and my mind feels like it's completely prepared for the outcome if I were to end our friendship. I'm not mad at Ruben...heck, I could never be mad at him, but I feel as if it would be best for him, and for his state of mind, if we were to just stop seeing each completely. I sob at the thought, and I wonder if it's the right thing to do.
I'm sorry if I seem completely emotional towards this. I thank you all for the help you've given me. Now, I just need feedback on whether this really should be the next decision or not.
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A
female
reader, Tasmanian devil  +, writes (5 April 2010):
 If he has 2 jobs and college you should understand hes under a lot of pressure, maybe the way to still be in touch with him, is to be there for him, like all those times he was there for you. He must be under a lot of pressure, and that could be a reason for this attitude change.
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A
female
reader, LeslieArias11 +, writes (5 April 2010):
LeslieArias11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to imagine myself losing touch with him....back then, I'd always depended on him for advice, he was always there for me. There wasn't a time when I wouldn't fall into his arms when I had tears in my eyes about some pathetic issue, and there wasn't a time when he wouldn't tell me "Everything will be ok, Leslie. I promise."
We might as well be in a relationship because we were ALWAYS with each other, and a couple minutes after he leaves my house, I'd text or call him, just for the sake of not losing touch with him. I don't want to imagine not being as close to Ruben as I was before. I still want to be friends with him, but I just feel like it's going to hurt him. What do I do in this case?
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A
female
reader, Tasmanian devil +, writes (5 April 2010):
I think that hes feeling rejected and doesn't neccesarily know how to act around you anymore. You can't make yourself like him thats silly, maybe the fact that you don't miss him as much as you thought shows you don't depend on him. College is a rite of passage, it changes people, hes a different person now do you want to be friends with the new Ruben??
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 April 2010):
It is the end of the road for him when you mentioned that you are in a committed relationship and turned him down.
He cannot expect much from this relationship and he would rather expand his energies elsewhere.
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