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My best friend is a guy. I like to be honest about this to any guy I want to date. Does this scare off guys I want to date?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2015)
A female United States age 36-40, *ixiebreath76 writes:

Hi all, thanks for reading.

I seem to have an issue with dating because my best friend is a guy.

We dated a few years back, decided that we weren't good in a relationship, so we became good friends.

He is also married now.

My dilemma is that when I date someone and I tell them my best friend is a guy, they get very worried about it.

I do my best to reassure them, but they all seem to be scared off.

I've always been cool with my man having female friends, especially if they were friends before we met. I feel that I should be honest about it to anyone I date, but should I wait before telling them about it?

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A female reader, Pixiebreath76 United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

Pixiebreath76 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Pixiebreath76 agony auntI have always been honest about the past I have with my friend. And he doesn't send me flowers on holidays or special occasions. Just a text saying 'Happy birthday' or what not. I have always tried to cover all my bases with this, but just don't know how to make them more comfortable with the idea. Like I said, I'm not bothered if a guy is still friends with an ex.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

Here is your first problem: This guy is NOT just a friend, he is an ex-lover turned friend. If you present him as "just a friend" to your new lovers and don't come clean about the sexual history right away, then you basically come across as deceptive or downright lying.

I know you may not see the big deal here. Many women don't. Many women think they are being reassuring when they make a big point of saying they are totally platonic with this old friend. But if you don't disclose that inconvenient little detail (that you have slept with the old friend before, even if it was just once), then your reassurances come out feeling more like deception when the new guy learns about the sexual history later on.

And if I may be so blunt, the new men are right to worry. Whether you are capable of being "just friends" with this old lover or not, that is beside the point. The point is that a new lover has the right to know the whole story and make their own choice about how comfortable they are with this situation.

New lovers don't have the right to know your whole romantic history. But this "friend" is not ancient history, he is still a part of your life today. That means your sexual history with him IS relevant information for the new guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015):

I'm not much of a fan of this. From experience, some guys feel they "owe" their opposite sex friends not just the time but feel they also need to acknowledge events such as their birthdays with flowers or other gifts. To me this is suspicious. When you are in a relationship, other women should become very secondary and their friendship more casual. If this doesn't happen, you can bet he is playing the field.

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A female reader, Pixiebreath76 United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

Pixiebreath76 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Pixiebreath76 agony auntThank you for your replies. To answer your question, yes, his wife knows me and is ok with us being friends. And I've dated guys who were good friends with their exes, one of the exes I became good friends with as well. I always try to introduce my friend to the person I'm dating, so they know who he is and can possibly have a friendship. I'm a pretty open-minded person, and I want someone who is also open-minded.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

My best friend is male and I do know what you mean about some men you date being a bit funny about it, as well as everyone I meet assuming me and my friend 'like' each other or have dated.

The saving grace is that me and my best friend have NEVER dated or even considered it. He eventually came out as gay, so men I date now are more comfortable with that, (although some very jealous can still be threatened by it).

I have to be honest, I don't think many men will accept you being really close friends with someone you dated and if I'm honest I probably would be put off by a guy who told me his close female friend was an ex.

You would just always be thinking there is the possibility of them getting together again, or one still liking the other,in my experience that is usually the case. I only ever stayed friends with one ex, I dated them again years later and we broke up a second time. We are not friends any more.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

YouWish agony auntI don't think any woman who has a guy friend is off-limits, but what strikes against you is the fact that you used to date this guy, which means you two have history as being more than friends. It's one thing if you two had a type of "brother-sister" relationship like family friends tend to get, where you two were always platonic, or if he were gay and not attracted to women, or something where being close but not a history of dating would make sense.

I know you mentioned that you prefer a guy who has female friends who were friends before you met them, but answer this honestly - does that understanding apply towards a guy who is best friends with his ex?? That makes the game different.

And - does this guy's wife know about you? Does she know EVERYTHING about you, as in her husband and you used to be together?? You may possibly get by if you had his wife's full approval and marks in your favor if you're also close friends with his wife, but get the slightest sniff of secrets or things withheld from his wife, and you're sunk.

It gets a bad rap, but the thought is that a woman who keeps an ex as a "best friend" should be avoided. You may find a guy who will consider it, but that's uncommon.

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