A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My best friend has severe low self esteem and its ruining our relationship. We've been friends for years and I use to be really close to her but lately her behaviour is getting hard to deal with and is effecting my life. She has the typical behaviours of someone with severe low self esteem (sorry if any of these aren't typical behaviours):1 she's a compulsive liar, some of them harmful to me, herself and others.2 she's attention seeking, which sometimes makes her do stupid things3 she puts others down, which alienates other friends4 she's materialistic and tries to 'buy friendship'', which means she is constantly used by people5 she sleeps around (with EVERY guy friend we have), resulting I me having to take her for an STI check often6 there are many other behaviours she exhibits. I've always known she has low self esteem and am a secure person but am sympathetic towards the way she feels. I'm always telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. But now it's effecting my life. Every new friend we make loves her at first because she buys them things and spends all her time with them. But it's all fake, she changed her whole being with new people to get them to like her. She'll start dressing like them, change her hair, her personality, her beliefs EVERYTHING. Which is fine at first but when she can't keep it up and the real her comes out they accuse her of being fake, manipulative a liar etc. I always stick up for her and tell them she's got low self esteem but they don't wanna hear it and see it as a choice. They don't want anything to do with her and then I loose contact with them. I've lost so many friends because of her and not a single one of my family or long term friends wannabe anywhere near her. She has self destructive behaviours aswell such as an eating disorder and being a workaholic because she gets praise there and constantly runs herself down and gets I'll for working too much and even works for free most of the time. She spreads lies about me, which never bothered me before because my real friends know what's true and what's not and I don't care what everyone else thinks. But now she's telling harmful lies about me, like telling my boss I used to do drugs (she did, I never have), to save her own arse. She's also known for sleeping with friends boyfriends and as I am in a new relationship myself I obviously am worried. I'm stuck between being a good friend and putting up with it or ditching her but I am her only friend and don't think I could be happy with myself if I did that. I want to help her but she's in denial and plays the victim when I confront her about things. What should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2015):
 I'm sorry, but I think you have enabled her for far too long. I would sit her down and tell her:
- "if I catch you lie about me again and make drama with my boss, WE are done. If I catch you LIE about me to other people and make drama, WE are done."
There should be NO acceptance of that kind of behavior, SCREW her low self esteem excuse, that is NEVER OK in a friendship. I think you REALLY need to start putting your foot down, because she is getting bolder with you because you have stuck around, where as other people have seen through her falseness. She is USING the fact that you feel bad for her.
She KNOWS how to manipulate you and others. However, because you feel sorry for her you haven't dropped her yet. She knows you are a kind pushover.
ACCEPT that she isn't going to change. THIS is who she is.
IF you keep being friends with her, you are going to have 1 "friend", HER, as she is/will alienate everyone else, not only from herself but from you too.
I know it's hard to accept that someone you have known for years is on a downward destructive spiral, but there has to be a time where you HAVE to step back or go down the drain with her.
I would also consider talking to your boss. Suggest that if he has ANY doubt about you and drug that you will do any kind of drug test available. THIS is your life! YOUR career and YOUR future she tried to destroy. YOU think that kind of crap won't follow you from work-place to work-place?
As for the sleeping with other people's BF - well... it's not like she is holding a gun to the guys heads.... they are grown and CAN say no, so if your BF sleeps with her, then you know he isn't a keeper.
I would either drop her like a hot rock or start to slowly disentangle myself from her, spend less and less time with her, be busy when she calls etc. Depending on how YOU prefer it, but she is NOT a friend, nor is she good to be around. Because you WILL be lumped in with her.
I had a co-worker like this. We were friendly and I stupidly introduced her to my circle of friends, whom she went through like acid on rubber. While I didn't stick by her (like you have) it did make some of MY long term friendships fragile for a while. And that hurt. It hurt me, it hurt some of my friends. SHE on the other hand, didn't care. She even tried to get me fired when I dropped her. Thankfully I had a boss who also saw right through her. She ended up being "let go" due to having to many "sick-days". She crated drama everywhere she went. I think it was her "oxygen".
Sit down and think on this, WHAT exactly are you getting out of this friendship? You don't trust her, she alienate others, she lies (about you and everything else), she is a negative influence, not just on you but everyone around her.
You can't change her, you can't fix her. But you can decide enough is enough.
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