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My b/f wants to cum on my face & in my mouth but I hate it!

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Question - (13 February 2009) 18 Answers - (Newest, 25 December 2009)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of a year wants to come in my mouth and on my face. I give him oral sex, and I let him come on my neck and boobs, but he is always unhappy. Having cum on my face feels disgusting and I feel violated and disrespected. He wants me to go down on my knees and close my eyes and "wait for his cum", its just.. so wrong to me. I tried it a couple of times and I tried having it in my mouth but it made me vomit. I hate it. He brings this up every argument we have about anything and I feel like whatever I give him is never enough for him. Yesterday we had a huge argument and I finally said ok I'll let you do it, and then he said i didn't mean to break you, I want you to want it, not do it so that you don't lose me. But how can I make myself want something I hate??

Help me please I feel so trapped.

View related questions: boobs, oral sex, trapped

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009):

i know this is a pretty old question but id suggest something from a stand up comedians bit, tell him where to come, doesnt have to be 'come on face!' it could as simple as 'come in my fishbowl' it'll help him feel like you want him and whatnot

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009):

I've always had the rule that people should only do what they're comfortable doing. I once had a girlfriend who wouldn't even touch my cock even though she would ask me to make her cum. I didn't fuss, I dumped her.

My current girlfriend is wonderful but not the dirtiest shall we say. On a rare occassion when she was sucking me (not to completion) I said how much I enjoyed it. I also added that I promised that she wouldn't get a mouthful of something she didn't like. Therefore, she does it more than she used to.

I've has girlfriends that I didn't love who would swallow every last drop but this one won't and I love her. If your b/f loves you, he won't keep asking. Looks like you should tell him to sod off.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009):

I'm sorry, but I don't see what the fuss is about. You don't like it, so don't do it. Ask him to masturbate in his hand and lick it clean. If he's willing to do it, maybe you should reconsider.

I personally don't mind the taste of cum. It has never bothered me at all. I don't especially like it on my face, but I give my man what he wants once or twice a month. Sometimes more, depending on how I feel at the time.

I don't understand why a lot of women think its degrading. It kind of makes me feel more powerful in my relationship with him. Don't ask me to explain it but it does. When he's done, you clean up the mess.

Its really a simple question. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. If you decide to do it, then make sure he understands that you don't like it but are doing it anyway.

If he treats you like a slut, then he never gets it again and he can take a hike. You don't like it but you do it anyway. Maybe I'm lucky because my man snuggles right up to me afterwards and tells me he loves me.

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A female reader, Louise89 Australia +, writes (25 February 2009):

if you feel really ewwy about it then you definitely shouldn't. But believe me guys being guys you can't stop them from thinking about what they want. So speaking from experience, he will get what he wants with or without you. Taste a bit of his cum first, or let him cum on the side of ur face away from ur mouth or eyes. After 2 or 3 times it won't be a big deal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009):

PS: The next time he makes an issue of it, tell him to knock it off or there will be no oral sex at all... Never force yourself to do something you hate. If he doesn't like it, then he'll have to find somebody else. You have been fair, you are doing oral sex and you have compromised. Don't let him bully you into doing something that you find disgusting. You have a right to say "No" whenever you want....

Good luck, your guy is being a bully and an idiot.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009):

Tomas rides to the rescue again.. This is a funny sex advice site, where perfectly normal things are disgusting, terrible and never, ever to be considered.... LOL

Your partner likes it, you do not. Tell him "no thanks" and then move onto something else that you both enjoy. Don't let people who are uptight sexually lead you astray and make you frightened to explore enjoyable areas of sex...

Remember.. many people are religious and many exciting sexual things are forbidden for them...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009):

Darling, if you don't want him to come there, then don't let him - relationships work two ways!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009):

Think about it from this point of view.

When you have an orgasm from a finger, vibrator, penis w/ condom, it is 100% good. Every time you give your boyfriend oral you don't let him actually finish in the pleasure of your mouth. either you jerk him off or he jerks himself off at the end just like he's done 1000s of times before. This is the most important part and he's having a diminished experience every single time.

Imagine every time he gave you pleasure he insisted on stopping before you got off and told you to finish yourself.

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2009):

i'm sorry but just because a guy masturbates to some girl getting cum on her face, does not mean that his partner should fulfill this degrading fantasy, just to make him happy.

if you don't want to do it babe. DON'T.

let him carry on watching the porn and having a fantasy. but don't loose your own respect and bow down to what he wants.

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A male reader, Tomas United States +, writes (14 February 2009):

I can't believe I am going to step in this bear trap...

It is very easy to say you should tell him to fuck off. And maybe you should. For one thing, individuals (and couples) have very different sexual tastes, and what one person considers degrading another may find thrilling. And therefore it could be that his idea of what is sexy is not and never will be anything other than totally disgusting to you. And you would be 100% entitled to feel that way.

So why do I bother to start an 11th (at this moment) comment on this thread?

To try to help each of you understand where the other is coming from, and thus hopefully help you reach a mutually fulfilling sex life.

I'm going to do most all my disclaimers at the top, so here's another. Guys are generally "dirtier" sexually than women, so many women are in relationships with guys who ask (or pressure) them to do things they are not entirely (or even remotely) comfortable with. I think for that reason, there is sometimes an attitude expressed that some guys should just learn to do without what they want sexually. I think the fear is that if every guy insisted on asking for what he wanted sexually, in addition to their being a lot of men without women, there would be a lot of women without men. Hence it might be better for people who want different things sexually to compromise. And especially, for men to just forget whatever unrealistic dirty fantasy their minds have conjured up.

Maybe. But for the rest of this answer, I'm going to argue from the perspective that a couple who wants different things sexually, who don't understand and respect where the other is coming from, are going to carry a certain amount of avoidable sorrow in their relationships.

And hence, telling him to go fuck himself may not lead to your ultimate happiness with him.

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First, yes, he's either watching a lot of porn, or spends a lot of time talking about sex to guys who watch a lot of porn. You may totally get this, but I'm going to err on the side of spelling things out here.

When guys (and probably gals) masturbate, they get the best orgasm if they can make the orgasm coincide with the most erotic/exciting thought. The psychological side of orgasm is the difference between a 3/10 and a 9/10. Guys like to use porn, among other reasons, because as visual creatures, they find erotic pictures more powerful than the imagination. To put it simply, it is much easier to get an 8/10 with pornography than without. Or at least, it is much much faster.

One of the most powerful images is commonly called the "money shot", which is imagery of the man ejaculating. It's called the money shot because this is what sells the pornography, in turn because ideally this is the spot at which the viewer also has an orgasm (not least because, the action resets at a less explicit level after this). So for guys who masturbate to pornography, they will build up an association between the feeling of their orgasm, and the imagery they are seeing at the time of the orgasm .. that is, the money shot.

The fact that he is asking you to let him come on your face or in your mouth tells me he masturbates to pornography with this imagery, it excites him, and he places the two of you in the scene mentally when he comes. In his fantasy, it is always pleasurable for him (and you), and he wants to bring that to your bedroom.

Aside: the reason (some) men will find this kind of imagery exciting rather than repulsing, is that - like most pornography - it depicts sexually available and voracious women. Men usually have to deal with wanting sex more than women, and dealing with some feelings of rejection when women do not want to have sex with them. So in the fantasy world of pornography, the (male) viewer is irresistible, and their desired woman is overcome with sexual hunger. I think it is at best an oversimplification to view coming in a woman's mouth (or even on her face) as a desire to degrade a woman. If that were the case, the questioner's boyfriend would have been all the more happy to do so in spite of her discomfort. Instead, he said he wanted her to want it. That is the point - for at least many guys in this fantasy, what makes it sexy is not degradation; it is being with a woman who finds him so irresistible that she yearns to have him cover her with his come. Because she finds it (and him) overpoweringly sexy.

So boyfriend's developed a positive sexual association with these kinds of images. The ideas are pleasurable (to the point of climax) for him, and he may want to enjoy that fantasy with his girlfriend, not to humiliate or degrade her, but to play out a fantasy.

BUT! you say, BUT! SHE DOES FIND THEM DEGRADING!

Perfectly true. And she is not "wrong" to do so. In fact, if a normal person in normal situations didn't find these actions at least somewhat taboo, there would be no sense that the woman must be sexually smitten with the man to want this.

And thus, the sad fact of so many of these situations is, that the problem isn't (in my opinion) that the guys want to degrade their partners. Rather, the problem is that the guys seriously underestimate how unpleasant woman find the these acts, and overestimate how sexually attracted women are to the guys.

And since there is no "correct" amount of hornyness or naughtiness that we all agree we are supposed to feel for our partners, and because women's relative lack of interest in sex for sex's sake has often been defined by male doctors as a psychological or physical problem, it is much easier for people in general (and women in particular) to avoid the unsettling complexity of fantasies and power exchanges [you gonna help me out here, satindesire?] and simply dismiss these things as inherently unloving.

Where does that leave you, anonymous, and your boyfriend? Joking as it may sound, I seriously would suggest something like saying he can come on your face, but only if he licks it off. Or he can come in your mouth, but then he has to take it in his. The point of this is not to be kinky (for anonymous and aunty ranch, there are plenty of people who'd quite enjoy the punishments you suggested), but rather to make sure he understands what he is asking you to do.

I suspect if he agreed, when he got close to orgasm he would either chicken out (suddenly realizing the idea of getting friendly with his own semen wasn't so sexy), or he would go through with it, and then - suddenly stripped of his libido [guys work that way] - would want to back out of it. He doesn't get to back out (and that would have to be made crystal clear beforehand). A third possibility is that he would go through with it, not being grossed out by the come.

Here's what you would get from it:

1) If he backs out beforehand, you've succeeded in getting him to see this from the perspective of a real person, not a fantasy. (You'd think come tastes like a tall glass of cold milk, judging by porn actresses.) You probably won't be asked again, and it won't be because your guy is pouting.

2) If he tries to back out afterwards, he similarly wouldn't ask again. You might feel particularly hurt, though, that he would expect something from you and then refuse to do the same. Hence the importance of making sure he is serious about matching you going in.

3) If he goes through and isn't grossed out, then it may change the meaning of the act to you, at least with him. It may cease to be something degrading or humiliating, and be something fun or funny. Or maybe not. You shouldn't commit to, for example, if he does it once then you are expected to do so forever.

Rather, you think he doesn't get that how gross it seems to you. It's not that you aren't into him. But if he thinks it really isn't gross, and would be willing to do whatever you do to show you that - to him - it isn't degrading or humiliating, then you'd be willing to give it a try for him. But he can't leave you hanging, or you really *will* be humiliated, and pissed, and would not forgive him.

My point in writing all this is not to try to convince the women of the world to get freaky with their guys. Rather, I think a lot of couples don't share what they want because they are afraid of being rejected or looking silly, and I believe that playing together as equals, trying things and getting a common understanding of what works and what doesn't, is a good relationship skill. I also think it lessens the chance of sexual alienation, where one partner goes outside the relationship to ask for something they are too embarrassed to risk their primary relationship on. If your partner always feels it is okay to ask for what they want, and that you will try to work with them to see if it works for you, expecting them to understand if it doesn't, then your relationship is on the strongest footing.

Of course, you may know that no way no how are you ever gonna find that anything other than nasty. And that trying to get him to really understand that isn't worth putting yourself through something you find humiliating. That's a perfectly defensible position.

But I would be inclined (while bracing for brickbats to be thrown my way) for you to encourage him to decide whether this is something really important to him, and if so for him to look for someone else. Because ultimately he will either find someone who is interested, or he will come to a different understanding of the act, or he will carry some dissatisfaction with his sex life. The first two you may want with him; the third you don't.

My 3 cents anyway, meant with best intentions. Good luck.

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2009):

i def think he needs to stop watching the porn films! those so called actors, if that's what you wanna call them, are paid too much money, so they have no respect for themselves and let guys cum on their faces. there is nothing nice and intimate about a guy shooting on your face. it's disgusting and i would never let any guy do it to me.

you should say to him let me piss on your face and get a guy to cum on it and then we will talk.lol

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland +, writes (13 February 2009):

Cerberus agony auntTell him to fuck off and stop trying to demean you. He's a domineering prick that wants to treat you like a whore, any guy here will tell you that coming on a girls face is seen by some guys as a way of demeaning a girl to get kicks and brag about it. It's done in porn only to show how much of a slut the actress is and how little self respect she has for herself for the right price.

Tell him you will do it if he lets you watch a guy do it to him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009):

In my opinion, doing this is a sign of disrespect, to you and women in general. Tell him NO, firmly and finally, that you won't do it and you won't talk about it again. If he persists I would have to rethink the relationship, because no one who really loves you will want you to engage in something that makes you so uncomfortable.

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2009):

then don't let him do it!

if you don't like it then tell him and don't let him do it. i hate it as well and i would never let a guy do it to me, as i don't like it. if he wants to cum on you, let him cum on your breasts or stomache if you like that. but if you hate it on your face and in your mouth..don't let him do it.

if you keep letting him do it, he will think that you like it!

ALSO the way he wants you to do it, is like something out of a porn movie. explain to him you are not a porn star and you do not like it and don't want to do it.

it is disgusting and degrading and no man should make you do something you don't want to do. have some respect for yourself and just say NO!

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2009):

then don't let him do it!

if you don't like it then tell him and don't let him do it. i hate it as well and i would never let a guy do it to me, as i don't like it. if he wants to cum on you, let him cum on your breasts or stomache if you like that. but if you hate it on your face and in your mouth..don't let him do it.

if you keep letting him do it, he will think that you like it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009):

if you dont like it, and he makes you feel bad about not doing it, u may want to sit back a look at the real reason 4 why he is with you. as your partner he should want to make you happy and just be happy that your happy, if he makes u feel bad about not doing it. he clearly is putting himself first. he's worried about his own agenda, the fact that you do it for him period she be pleasing enough. some people are selfish, if you dont want to do it, than dont. trust, when the relationship fails, u will be happy u didnt. and ps sweat heart....it is degradding, and disgusting and it demoralize you. stick to your gunz. if he keeps complaining dont suck it at all, and watch how fast those other issues will diminsh, hell just be happy he is getting any throat action. this is coming from a 19 yr old female! trust me! dont do it!

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A female reader, makemlass United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2009):

well if you dont want to do it he should approve of that if he doesnt then i would tell him where to go haha

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009):

it's simple. Tell him firmly "No". End of. Or say, yeah I'll do it, as long as you kiss me afterwards.

Then suggest sticking your finger up his arse when he cums

Tell him to ease up off the porn - it's not how it happens in real life

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