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My abandonment issues are ruining my new relastionship for me

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 June 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *atmarie writes:

Hi Guys and Girls.

I have recently started dating a really lovely, nice, handsome thoughgtful man who is treating me like a princess,and going out of his way to make me feel wanted and special, and doing eveything he can to make me feel good. He is fab. The issue is this. I get really worried and anxious if I text him and he does not respond for a few hours. He is doing everything he can to prove how much he likes me,taking me out, and texting or calling everyday at some point, butI keep thinking he is going to change his mind and dissapear out of my life. It is really painful to feel like this every day, and even when he does text or call me, I still cannot relax until the next day and he has called me again, and then the whole cycle repeats itself.I am constantly jumpy, nervous and anxious. He wants to see me all the time, but the irony of it is, I also need my space, and have put him off, and told him I am busy until whatever day I say I can see him. It is affecting my work, and I feel worried all the time. He is coming on really strong, but I have not had a relatsionship for a long time, and am a worried about losing my independence. I didn;t used ot have this issue, so am not sure what this is about. The last long relastionship I had was about five/ six years ago, and I am no longer used to having someone around in my house etc, and he also leaves DVD's/ and bits and pieces at my house so he is more than likely to come back, plus he has taken my PC to be fixed. I cannot understand why I am so insecure about this man leaving me..... and I wondered if anyone else has this experience? This constant anxiety and paranoia is ruining my life,and I work myself up into a state and end up drinking, and sleeping to block it out and I cannot enjoy what should be , a nice time, and cannot trust that he will stick around. Please help. He is such a lovely man, and I do not want to lose him. Thanks Natxx

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A female reader, Madalo 1 Malawi +, writes (2 June 2010):

Relax.You're beautiful,you're special.Dont give him more credit than he deserves,he's only a man.You're a wonderful person,so dont have any paranoia,you need to feel secure about yourself.If you feel good about yourself,you will not keep worrying whether he will leave or not.No matter how much someone else loves you,if you dont appreciate yourself,you will still feel insecure.You've said you want space at the same time you want him;i think you can take care of that by being the one asking for meetings until you're totally used to him that he can just pop up on your door without you feeling bothered about it.All the best!

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2010):

AuntyEm agony auntYour problem seems quite serious. I think you would benefit from seeing a cognitive behaviour therapist, to try and change some of your negative thinking and internal messages.

You also appear to not know exactly what it is you want from your life, so perhaps you need a bit more time to slow things down considerably in this relationship so you feel less anxious and can cope with your feelings. You may be suffering from an anxiety disorder so speak to your GP as you may require treatment.

Best of luck

AE x

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