A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating someone for a couple months now and recently made things official. He wanted to introduce me to his best friends which are also his housemates, so I finally visited his place. Before I went over, he gave me a semi-serious semi-playful disclaimer that the place is quite messy at the moment because he's the only one that cleans. Well I came over and was horrified. It looked like a semi-hoarder house. All kitchen counters were covered in cups and containers. It didn't smell, but stuff was everywhere. There was dog hair on the ground. The bathroom floor was disgusting. I wouldn't say anything was dirty except the ground, but everything was everywhere. His room was clean but piles and piles of clean clothes everywhere (not dirty clothes) and I'm pretty sure he's never washed his windows. It wasn't dirty but stuff was EVERYWHERE. It took some time getting used to.My ex-boyfriend and I lived together in a one-bedroom apartment. It was clean and well-designed. We had actual dressers and paintings up. My date's house looks like a frat house lacking substantial furniture. I'm not going to try to change him or anything, but I'm really turned off by the situation. My boyfriend is the outdoorsy type so he doesn't spend too much time at home anyway, but gosh, it's really an uncomfortable place to be. I wouldn't enjoy spending time inside at all. I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it. My boyfriend is a well-dressed and put-together though, as are his friends. So before I met my current boyfriend, I already decided that I don't want to live with a partner again. I felt that it was somewhat of an excuse to delay marriage. My ex was actually the clean/organized one and it was a bit of a learning curve figuring out chores together. There were a few quarrels but we eventually figured it out. I just don't want to go through this again with someone. It's too much work without marriage being a guarantee.Anyway, the relationship is obviously still very new, but I do worry about the future. I did learn a lot about my previous relationship. For example, instead of nagging the man to put his shoes away in the shoe closet down the hall, just put a shoe cabinet by the door. Win-win. At the same time, my best friend went through hell and back when she got married because she's a very organized and design-minded person and her husband never lifted a finger. I don't want to go through that either. But I'm worried about incompatibility. I wanted to ask a more general question that doesn't necessarily pertain to my current boyfriend but rather my future husband whomever that may be (obviously our current relationship is still very new so who knows what may happen). Any advice on meshing two different levels of cleanliness, organization, design, and view on chores?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): Has this outdoorsman gotten inside your head OP? Referring to the floor as the ground, even sounds dirty! This man is not a responsible adult. A hitch in the military services will neaten him up soon enough! Think to the future, and having children with a man like this. Is this the sort of role model to show your children how to become a dependable responsible adult? Dirt and clutter breeds vermon. Things would be constantly lost when not returned and put away in the proper place. Cut your losses now and let this joker live his hobo existence on his own! Mark my words: if you stay with this man, you will certainly regret it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 October 2019):
 I absolutely get you hesitance to live together with someone and go through ALL the "mutual training" of making the home-life work for both of you.
And waiting until marriage is on the table, I also get.
While this guy MIGHT be living in a pig-sty (by his OWN choice), he still has potential to be a good partner. However, I would let him know that you feel his place is kind of nasty and you rather not spend time there. BE honest. But... try not to make it sounds like an attack. You know what I mean?
Sometimes people who LIVE in mess, don't really see the DEGREE of mess they live in. I can't stand dirt but don't fret so much over clutter (as long as it is ORGANIZED clutter, yes, there is such a thing lol) My husband can't stand clutter but ignores dirt. So, in our case it works, I focus on cleaning, he on organizing.
And many young people are NOT good at tiding up when they first move out, because mom... no longer picks up after them or tell them to clean. IT is something that (for some) comes gradually.
As for WHAT TO DO in the future.
My advice, TALK AND TALK often and openly about these things BEFORE moving in together, ONCE there IS a stable relationship and moving in, marriage have been table-topics.
I can tell you this, if a GUY views that it's the woman's JOB to clean and cook and do all those "housely" chores + work a full time job, he would NOT be an option for me (personally). ANYONE can learn how to cook, to clean, to budget.
As for decor, well... that one is harder. My husband and I still butt heads over those. I like colors (even muted) on my walls, he likes white or beige.... I like wood floors, he prefers carpets... just to mention a few. But I think we know each other well enough to find compromises we would be happy with. For instance, we are in the process of buying a house. The ground-floor has kitchen, 1/2 bath, living and dining room. I would LIKE to redo the floors to wood. (it has carpet and ugly tiles) and I would do the WHOLE house (bedrooms and bathroom upstairs) with wood floors too, but hubby wants carpet upstairs. So I will concede on the wood floors upstairs... and he will accept the wood floor downstairs.
THAT is how some (at least) marriage work. COMPROMISE, you won't find someone who will BE just like you, think like you, feel like you, like what you like etc. Things like decor shouldn't be a "battle" of wills. NEITHER should chores or cleanliness.
As for your messy BF, DON'T EVER clean up FOR him when you are over there. You can pick up after yourself, that is fine but don't fall in the trap of becoming the "maid". Be honest with him about his place. If he doesn't like to hear that you don't want to spend the night in a pig-sty... he might not BE for you. He should WANT to make an effort. I really find it odd that he didn't CLEAN the shizzle out of his place BEFORE having you over. To me, that is a bad sign. But I digress.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): P.S.
Humor, camp, and all sarcasm aside; you might want him to clean-up; if you ever spend time there, or sleep-over.
You won't be able to relax if you're a person who likes things tidy and in their proper places. Like clothes hung in closets, folded, and putaway. Like most civilized adults.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be in a hurry to move-in together. You got a preview of things to come. I know it's a new relationship; but he's pushing 30, and still living with roommates in a messy house.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): Seriously?!! You've seen his place with your own eyes and you were "horriFied!" You had to write DC for advice?
Outdoorsy, macho, butch...anyway you put it, he's nasty and untidy! It's immature! Trying to rationalize it is deluding yourself. It's only a matter of time before you're pissing them all off!
Why were you "horrified" if the place was clean? Messy hides the dirt under all the clean clothes. Lets see how long you'll live there before you're complaining and they vote your fussy-behind outta there!
Come-on, girlfriend! What's wrong with females these days? Are you so desperate for a boyfriend you'd live in a pig-stye to have a man? What about someone who is organized, mature, reliable, and able to afford his own place in his late 20's? That is, assuming he is around your age!
Do not move-in, because you are starting off on the wrong foot. Messy is messy, and it's what you can't see that crawls and multiplies...like bed-bugs or roaches!
I shutter to think!!!
He has roommates and not one among them have time to pickup? Well, guess who'll become the official housekeeper? While all crammed together with a bunch of sloppy grown-men!
Wait, and find your own place together. Set some housekeeping rules and slow your roll! The others are not going to be happy that he's bringing in some female with negative-opinions, and hiding her true feelings about their frat-boy lifestyle.
If you don't like my answer, I dare you to go ask your mother! I bet she'd agree with me!
Meshing levels of cleanliness??? You are incompatible right off the bat! That means there are even more surprises to come! No telling what's hiding up under that mess! You probably won't know until you're itching!
Grown-men should know how to clean-up after themselves. They should want their homes to be presentable. You shouldn't walk into anyone's life and home with intent to change them in someway. It's even more foolish to try and adapt to being "horrified!!!" I suggest that you don't move in!
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