A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago I met a guy on the plane. We hit it off right away. He was sweet and kind and a great conversationalist. I had a crush on him and I was (literally) on cloud nine when he said I was pretty. It turned out that his final destination was a place I would be visiting that coming weekend. We thought it was pleasantly coincidental and made plans to hang out. About 7 hours into the flight, we kissed. It was the wildest thing either of us had ever done but it felt so right. The plane landed, we went our separate ways, and we spoke on the phone several times throughout the week. The weekend came and we met up as planned. I was ecstatic about our "date", but the weather was ridiculously cold and I was under dressed, as a result I was miserable and didn't talk much. At times I even appeared distracted. He thought I was not enjoying myself so he suggested cutting it short and sending me back to my hotel. The truth was not only was I cold, but I was hellaciously nervous about being with him. I'd finally gotten what I wanted - to be out with that cutie from the plane - but now that I actually *was*, I was rendered speechless. I literally didn't have a response to anything he was saying; I was that cold/nervous.He walked me back to my hotel, but not before we did some star-gazing. At some point he asked if I wanted to keep warm. I said yes, and he put his arm around my shoulder. I grabbed his arm and placed it around my waist instead. We cuddled and didn't speak much. I wanted him to kiss me but he didn't. After a half hour he said he had to go. So he took me back to my room. He was still making jokes with me at this time. I was worried that my silence had turned him off but he seemed fine.That is, until we reached my door. He embraced me and said it was "hard" that we had to separate. I leaned in to kiss him but he didn't kiss me back. I opened my door and kissed him again. And again, he didn't kiss me back. I asked him if we would see each other again and he said "maybe". I then reworded the question: "I'll never see you again, am I?" Without hesitation he replied, "No." I got into my room and spent the rest of the night crying my eyes out. I had ruined it.Flash forward to a couple weeks later when I had flown back to my home country. I sent him a "what's up" email on Facebook and he sent me back the same, asking me how the rest of my vacation was. I answered his question and more. I asked him if he was mad at me. I said I know I had wrecked it. I said I was sorry. I said I knew that we were long-distance now but didn't he think it was destiny that we had met in such circumstances? Didn't it count for something?He never replied. He read the email but didn't bother to reply. Initially I figured he was busy but it became obvious that he was responding to his other Facebook emails except mine. He was intentionally ignoring me. I was hurt and devastated and tried to make myself move on but without proper closure it was really difficult. A month later I decided I had had enough of being sad I sent him another email - this time saying goodbye. All I said was: "I get what you're trying to say. Goodbye." But even though I was saying goodbye, I really was expecting a reply from him. I wanted him to say something, anything, as long as it was a reply.I never got it. It's been a month since I sent that email and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm still not okay. At times I feel I am. At times I feel I am strong enough, I don't need a cowardly jerk like him anyway. But sometimes I feel like I am willing to compromise just so I could still be in his life. We'd be strictly platonic, we wouldn't talk about what happened, etc.But at the end of the day, I can't bear to tell him all that. I can't part with my pride and dignity. So I don't say anything. I think of him all the time, stalk him on Facebook all the time. I wonder if ever thinks of me. I flip-flop between hating him and loving him. I'm trying to forget him, which is something I am failing badly at. I need closure. I need to know why he's ignoring me. I can't move on until I do. I'm afraid to email him because he might read it but not reply, which would make me sad. I keep wondering if he ever really liked me in the first place and if he did, how could he put his feeling so easily? I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Anon. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but I sure am glad knowing I am not alone in this despair.I am exactly like you in that I check his Facebook for updates every single day without fail, and every time I get a notification from Facebook I too wish it is him finally realizing I am worth pursuing. It never is, though. I know in my heart of hearts that nothing will ever come of it but for some reason I refuse to let go. I am ashamed to admit that I contacted him recently, asking him a superficial question, and he actually replied, but his reply was short and misspelled, and I just knew it was over. There is no point in me feeling sad and being hung up over someone who doesn't want me -- and yet...You asked if it wasn't indeed possible to move on without closure. I think it is, but it'll just require a longer time than it would WITH closure. We'll both be okay, I know this. It's just a matter of time. *hugs*
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): Hi, I totally feel for you! My situation is kind of similar to yours, just that mine was at a club in a foreign land. Before we parted, he called out my name and seem to have something to tell me. i turned and said "what", i could not hear properly what he wanted to say, i was in a hurry then. that was the last time i met him but he added me on facebook. We did not exchange phone number because my phone wasn't with me and i could not remember my number, i just arrived at the foreign country. I stalk him on facebook so frequently that i think i have a problem. He replied to my email once on facebook but he never respond again.I know that he just wasn't interested, and what he did was just pure flirting, but i can't help myself from looking through his profile in facebook time and time again..Whenever i received a notifcation from facebook, i wished that it would be from him...I need to move on, but i can't and it's really making me miserable. Let's try to keep him out of our mind!!!! WE don't need a closure before we move on? do we?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSarcy24, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I see you definitely know the feeling of knowing you had screwed up and wanting a second chance - and not getting it. It's such an awful feeling. I have so many things I want to tell him, if only he would just listen...
He is younger than I am. 4 years younger, in fact. Still a teenager. I'd like to blame it on him for being young and stupid, but I know I played a part in it as well. It takes two hands to clap.
You wrote: "This was years and years ago but I have never forgotten the emotion this caused within me..." I have a feeling that years from now I will be saying the same thing. I know I have to move on, and I will, but I will always remember "that guy from the plane".
"This guy has gone..." That really resonated with me. He really has, hasn't he. I have to learn to do the same.
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reader, Bitter Single Guy +, writes (25 January 2009):
You're not in love with him; you don't even KNOW him! What you're trying to re-claim is your sense of self-control. You were vulnerable on the plane and when he decided not to reciprocate or answer your emails, he gets to be in control (not you). There's no easy way to get rid of the feeling of unfinished business, but in his defense he's been pretty clear with you. If he's not interested (and clearly he's not) wouldn't it be wrong of him to continue to stay in contact with you? Don't email him or contact him and get used to the fact that he's not going to contact you.
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reader, sarcy24  +, writes (25 January 2009):
 I had a similar thing like that when I was about 19 and working in a bar. The most beautiful blonde man came in, city trader just my type. I had one date with him and I was smitten, sadly i got drunk because I was so nervous. I phoned, left messages at his work and he never responded. He never came back into the bar again even though he worked across from it. It took me months and months to stop hoping and looking up all the time wishing it was him coming in. He never did. This was years and years ago but i have never forgotten the emotion this caused within me and in hindsight I suppose i have chosen men just like him ever since. He was nice enough on the date but I think I was quite childish and drunk ofcourse and he was probably bored.
As all the other posters have said you need to accept there is going to be no more contact and take him off facebook. Stop looking at it and stalking him from a distance. It will just make you ill. He enjoyed your company on the plane it was a nice fun distraction for him and in my view it might have crossed his mind that you would be a bit chilly when you went on your date but for whatever reason on his side it has not worked out. Also it would be impossible to maintain such a long distance relationship. I know you are upset and hurt by the experience but he doesn't sound that nice a chap anyway as he must have sensed you were cold, being affectionate and obviously upset at the end of the evening. You don't say how old he is but if he is older I think he should have behaved a bit better. I understand that you liked him a great deal and you feel disappointed in the way you came across. This happens all the time when you are young. Consign this experience to the bin but learn from it to wear something that you feel comfortable in, not to come across as too keen and never to ask if you are going to see them again - leave all of that to the man. Men in the main like confident, independent women. This guy has gone, spend time looking for someone new and who is going to love you back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou have all been so kind. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I've been going out of my mind thinking about this with no one to turn to. I knew DearCupid.org would be of some help. I'm in denial, but you are all correct in saying that the relationship would have been difficult to maintain anyway, considering our distance, and that the best thing I can do for myself is to let go of all of my romantic notions of him and move on.Believe me, I am trying. But I've always been the kind of girl that needs closure in order to move on. With him I am not getting any, and I am trying so very hard to make do without it and live with it. But inevitably something catches on my memory and I am stuck. And I literally have to force myself not to pick up the phone and call him. I don't know what I want from it, if I made that call. Some days I want to know why, what happened, for him to please forgive me, I promise I'll be good. Some days I am willing to say, "We'll pretend it never happened. Let's stay friends." I don't know why but the stupid girl in me is convinced she needs him in her life. Isn't that silly?I know that in time I will be okay. But right now? Right now it hurts. It's been 3 months. I have been without him much longer than I was or ever will be with him. Evidently, I have a problem. *sigh*
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): You sent off a wrong message acting like you were smitten after having just met him. Learn to control your feelings more and not appear so credulous. Had you maintained contact, you could have seen him differently in time. Your illusion right now is more real than the man. You must have created in your mind such a complex portrait after you only got a snapshot into what this person is, does and feels. But look at the qualities you have assigned to him, they drive you right back to yourself. Because this portrait can only show the likeness, the personality and the mood of the person who created it, that is you. I cannot believe you know more than a couple of general things about this man and can guess several more after a pale conversation with a bonus date. Why not focus on reality instead. I'm sure the man did exactly so, hence don't take it as an affront on you and try move on to the next level. I'm sure you can put this beside you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant to type..."how could he put his feelings aside so easily?" Note to self: Learn to proofread.
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