A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I would really appreciate some honest advice here as I am struggling with a particular situation and don't have a lot of people to ask and guess what it is about a MAN!There is a guy I have been working with for the last 5 months that I have grown to really adore and respect and have now ended up with a massive crush. He is not the normal type I would go for and it took me about 2 months to realise it but he has ended up being a great friend / confident and support to me in one of the hardest jobs I have had. We have worked quite close together and this has resulted in me leaning on him over a number of situations for help and advice due to a very in many office heated political situations. We had to work quite closyl in different departments but share information and we developed a bond straight away mostly from his side by me confiding in him and him showing me nothing but advice and talking to me in such a way that I have found myself relying on him a great deal. Examples of this - when i use to visit his office, he would make excuses to get up and come and talk to me outside, if i was in the communal kitchen, he would come to me, if he saw me upstairs on my way out he would suddenly be outside (so i would have to pass him and talk on the way out, he was with me than the rest of the work force, some people said he was only nice to me (as he is quite moody and projects this im the boss / unapproachable manner to people but to me this was never the case, he use to let me talk cheeky to him and answer him back in front of the people beneath him, he always had my back, always asked me if i was ok, we laughed a great deal over everything and had many gushy conversations which made us both act like teenagers all work related stuff though - it never got to a personal level - not once - i never knew if he had a girlfriend, about 1 month in before i developed my crush my top boss and i happened to be talking about him as i was singing his praises and she asked me if i was single and told me he was and if i liked him, and did she want me to say anything - i said no hes lovely but not my type - i then kicked myself 1 month later when it suddenly dawned on me but it was too unprofessional for me to get my boss involved so i left it but i did always wonder if she ever told him - as she knows very well there were not many occasions where i can say it ever crossed a line to a flirty one,, once when he called me a lot in the space of 5 mins he said he had missed me as the excuse, he use to brush my shoulder when we sat next to each other if we were talking, if he passed me he would grab my lower arm or there would be some physical contact but not in a sleezy way just in friendy way - I find he never gave anything away it was very hard to read him but he always knew when i was having a bad day and i would the same to him just by our tone on the phone (we spoke a lot in the day for work) towards the end of the job as it was a temp job and i dont work there now i would say we got a lot closer, he would come to me and nudge the back of my chair just for contact or walk past me for eye contact or make excuses to come and see me but i did all those things to him inhis office - we were often the last ones staying late in our seperate offices and we always had a last chat before leaving but i could clearly see he has his own life, he seems happy he took days off and didnt discuss where he was off to he has a team of people he is manager to and he is close with them and he is very good at his job - but every night i would long for him to say come for a drink etc but it just didnt happen, when i got him to come to me to talk work there was a bit of physical contact i held his hand down the corridor to take him to my desk or we would mess about in a play fight way - i mean towards the end i thought i made myself quite obvious but i still got nothing back from him! it was very frustrating we just went our own ways...on my last day the only thing i can say is that he wouldnt come and say bye to me in my office in front of the others, he said he wanted to say bye to me now when were alone, he gave me a real hug and when he gewent to kiss me on the cheek first he really kissed me on the cheek it wasnt a peck mwah kind of kiss and i said thanks for everything i couldnt have done this job without you etc and grabbed his hand and it was all there but nothing ....i even stupidly thought he may give me flowers or something to thank me but no he is a cancer man, he mentioned his mum and sister to me a few times and thats about it - he gets moody and moany but so do i, he is very supportive and the best bt was so protective of me and stuck for me like ive never had, i can blew things out of control, take things personally and a huge worrier he could calm me down with 1 word and i loved that - he is the first guy to do that to me in like forever - and i genuinly care for him a lot he makes me feel like the way i thought love was suppose to feel one day he is just lovely - but i am lost because i never normally get the mutual attraction feelings wrong and with him i just have no idea, i am clueless - i guess my first reason is he doesnt like me but only you and that person know the moments and i can say in the moments we had i really did thinkk there was something we use to finish each others sentenances and agreed on the way we felt about things he would say me to - etci just dont get what is the pont meeting someone like that if you never see them or nothing happens between you. i dont think i could ask him out which is what you must be thinking after reading but its not the normal situation we both work in the same line of work,, know the same people and both our reputations and professionalism would be on the line and i know he would not want to jeapordise his career in anyway and neither would i - it would affect our future work if we were together people would not employ us on jobs due to the conflict of interest and it sounds silly but thats how it is so maybe he thinks about that and holds back - ive read a million articles on cancer men and im not even that into stars they all match his personality but there is nothing that tells you why a guy would not want to see a girl if he likes her so im guessing he doesnt even though i know there must be something there - and as usualive fallen for him and am left heartbroken as he doesnt feel the same advice much appreciatedmany thanks for reading
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crush, flirt, flowers, heartbroken, my boss Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all your comments but i still dont see that he likes me - but thats maybe because im too close to it. In my mind if a guy likes you he shows it i think thats why this time its so hard to tell
thanks again
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you abella,
i am very grateful you have helped calm me down a little....
im just frustrated and miss not seeing him everyday
thanks again
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): You have already been flirting like mad with each - smiling, eye contact, touching each other, especially the hands. So it sounds like he likes you a lot.
Me and my former housemate are cancer star signs. Both of us are quite reserved when it comes to women. I would find it pretty hard to ask someone at work. I also used to pass someone I like at work nearly everyday for a year until she left.
Sounds like you have to bite the bullet and ask him. At the end of the week, send him a text saying you have had a hard week does he fancy meeting up for a quick drink and watch a film at the cinema (so if shy he doesn't need to talk much!). If he doesn't accept, it could easily be played down as just a friendly thing rather than a date.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 August 2012):
 he does really like you I think. Truly.
But he is ultra cautious. Why I am not sure. But i tried to think of 'why' in my answers.
Some guys are way too cautious.
But just keep on encouraging him.
I think deep past hurts can really make some people extra extra cautious.
Whereas some people rush in - bull at a gate, treading where angels would not tread and wonder why it goes haywire.
The important thing is for the too cautious to try to live a little.
Versus
The foolhardy to please be a little more cautious and think things through first.
So both strike a happy medium to find true love.
My best wishes to you and i hope your friend makes a move, eventually.
would
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks,,,,i think as we have spoken now and ive told him, and as i go in 2 weeks and he will be away ive got to just leave it and hope he at least sends me a how is it message we have each others numbers as we had them for work i sent him a message already when it was my last day to thank him and he just replied with no thank you - i mean its very difficult he is not like any other guy ive met and im not use to having nothing back - i think if i i still feel like in when im back then ill bake and go pay him a visiti guess i needed an answer to does he like me ? but it doesnt seem that straight forward! would a guy really not do anything and risk being single forever if he met someone he liked and not do anything
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 August 2012):
hiYou are still in the same country right now - before he goes on holidays and before you take up the other post.Do something to break the ice.Are you any good at making macarons? Very 'in' at the moment. If you can make them then that might be more 'shareable' than a cake. And very explainable that you were trying a new recipe, and so he is 'helping' you by being prepared to sample them. Not easy to make. If that is too hard then do some easier chocolate and blueberry muffins - with the same 'reason' for sharing them. Whereas if you made a black forest cake it would tell the world you have a majorcrush. Even if he is extra shy then maybe you may need to initiate some action?Maybe you might want to meet to discuss your CV ?? Seeing as you will be applying for another job after the overseas one.Try not to write super long messages. Shorter if you can (lol - bit rich me giving that as advice)Has he shared his cell phone? That would be helpful, if he wants to share it.Offer your cell number to him. See if he reciprocates.I have seen another stumbling block though.Is he perhaps TOO close to his Mom and sister?If yes, then that could be concerning.I do hope he does not allow his Mom and his sister to define who he is - such that they get threatened if he has a girlfriend?? It happens. I do hope not, Fingers crossed on that one.regardsAbella
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmany thanks for your reply, very helpful
he is 37 so 4 years older than me
I think I may have been a bit heavy in the work thing, we dont work together now i left he is there until end of the year - it would effect future jobs im sure but knowone would have to know and if were in love i think they would be happy for us - however this is all irrelevant as i cant get him to show me any signs not one so i feel like its all me!
he is not gay no way - but he is so very shy you are suppose to make the first move to a cancer but im no good at that either and now i dont see him and we live in different cities its not that easy -
just to fill you in - we had a few emails in my 1st week off - and i said missing me then followed the email, and his reply was of course im missing you and - he is so careful in his replies and he always refers to what ive said in my email and answers it! i didnt hear anything from him its been 6 weeks and i knew he was suppose to finishing soon so i sent him an email to check he was ok and asked if he was looking forward to finishing and he replied 1.5 days later to tell me that he had agreed to stay on to the end of the year. it was a nice message he did open up on how he felt about the job and i do see a different side to him than others do but then he asked me what id been doing and when i wrote my reply it was quite long winded and i missed him so 4 days later i plucked up the courage to call him at work as i knew he would be on his own and we had a 10 minute conversation just like it was but mostly based on work stuff, i had him laughing alot he said one of his team was with him in the office so i guess thats why it was a bit tricky to talk but we mostly had a nice quick chat - but here is the thing - i told him id been doing a lot of baking and he seemed shocked - 'baking!! he said well you can come and visit me with a cake then
i told him id accepted a job abroad for 2 months which i have and he seemed a bit surprised i told him id keep in touch and that was it really
i guess i was hoping it will give him something to think about and he will miss me - he also seemed happy at the baking part but i think im just clutching at straws - because i want him to miss me or at least email me and say how is it going instead of me having to be the one to contact him first again.
he also told me he was going away with his mum and sister so as much as i love that - he obviusly cant have a girlfriend or he would not be going with them plus that shows he is a family man as am i im homesick already and dont want to even go away!
does me caling him infront of his work collegue make me look like i like him, i mean im trying so hard i didnt contact him for weeks but that was hard and now i have done i feel foolish as i got nothing back again! well he knows what im doing and im away so its up to him now isnt it!
i just dont get it = we get on so much, im not working there, i make him laugh and would do anything for him and yet he shows me nothing - but is it that simple - he is really the type of guy not to give anything away and be single forever then!!
ahhh thank you so very much your words / advice are much appreciated as im going mad here
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 August 2012):
hi
I don't think you said his age, but i am going to assume a bit older than you, more experienced than you and a bit more senior than you.
There is clearly some attraction between the two of you.
He is super cautious. And i think you both like each other. You appear to be comfortable with this project and working together. And he did everything he could to support you and ensure the project went well.
And you learnt heaps from him too, i suspect.
He's very professional. He never made a move on you - so avoiding any thoughts of any hint of a sexual harassment slur from others, even if untrue.
There are solutions to this.
If he is coming towards the later years of his career he might want to go into private practice.
If the two of you ever decided to form a business consultancy together then no one would object to employing one or both consultants on the same job.
You could learn so much from him.
Alternative you both would have far more diverse skills than you realize.
You could work in parallel fields and therefore be close but not the same and still see each other with no conflict.
He mentioned Mom and his sister. No hint of any other personal relationship.
Could he perhaps have only given you so much attention for the sake of the project? But not wish to reveal he is gay?
I doubt that scenario. But thought I would add it in as a thinking point.
Now that the project is over I really think you have nothing to lose, by asking him to join you for lunch - maybe on a saturday? And go somewhere out of the way where you are less likely to see someone you know.
Talk over the project, but also tell him how anzing you think he is. And how you really feel.
He may run if he does not feel the same way.
But if he likes you? Life is too short to put your next job as more important than finding your life partner.
You will never never know, unless you reveal your gigantic crush
And then take the time to speculate and ask how he feels too. He can say yes, maybe or no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have re listing this in the hope someone can help
many thanks
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