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female
age
36-40,
*andycane1234
writes:Hi are there any men who have really attractive girlfriends as in lots of other people find them attract aswell and they are amazing in bed that still use porn? If so why don't you feel guilty for getting off on others? Also women who don't mind porn in a relationship why is it that you don't, what tips do you have for people who hate it.
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female
reader, jenny_jenny_j  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 I think this is a very interesting discussion here. I don't have problems about men checking out porn, though I personally don't really watch it (probably just less than 10 times a year), because I know i'm not really turned on visually. However, I do understand women who feel very frustrated about this issue.
First of all, men who check out porn don't necessarily think their other halves not attractive (in my opinion) but I think some could get too detached from reality and are only able to get off watching porn or other naked, exotic women that they cannot get in real life. To me, most of the men fancy about many women, while women tend to fancy their partner (because women often need love in order to have sexual contact w/ a man), and this is the difference between men and women. But, I think some women are attracted to many other men fairly easily and can have sex without love. However, thats another topic to be discussed about. And specially for those of us who don't watch porn or fantasize about other men, it could be something harsh for us to accept, but this is a reality. What I suggest is, you both should spend time quality time discussing over this issue (not in an angry way), how his watching porn upsets you... etc, if that person loves you, I think he would be willing to do something for you, or change some habits, maybe watch something you both might enjoy together. I believe women who hate their partners who watch porn, are the ones who don't understand, or enjoy porn themselves, but it is not your fault, because everyone has different interests, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you. I know it really sounds bad, it might feel like a betrayal and you might think "this is too unfair, how come I only enjoy having sex with this man but he seems to enjoy it w/ many other women??"
I really agree with Cerberus, that men do that and treat it just as an outlet. my bf said the exact same thing to me, sometimes when we are too busy to meet up, or after hes had a long day at work, he just chooses to watch porn, and it just usually takes him less than a minute to get off because he just chooses to skip all the foreplay in the video, he hardly even remember how these porn stars look like. he also said the same thing as someone else has said here, that he usually just focuses on the "feelings", like being touched or touching a person he loves, some guys just cannot fantasize women who they barely know, or had sexual experience with, im not sure, but that't what my bf told me.
Although I don't mind him watching porn, I'd feel bad if he fantasizes about other women (maybe the ones he sees on a daily basis... coworkers, frds, frds' frds, you name it...) then I don't think its a healthy situation and I would feel insecure... because I often think that it will lead to some affairs someday, if he doesn't put a stop to it. However, you can never really find out what a person thinks in his mind, sometimes I feel embarrassed to share my fantasies with my man too, but I did try my best to communicate with him what I want to be doing with him on bed, I think this is the best thing a couple needs - communication on sex, what we both needs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): Person12345 you're so lucky, that's what ive always wanted but i dont care if they think of others aslong as they don't look at porn.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (20 March 2012):
 No Idea, I didn't ask him about it, he just said it. It's not like I demanded he not think about people while he masturbates, he just said that's what he thinks. I also didn't demand he not watch porn, he already didn't watch because he didn't like the way it made him felt. Some people don't fantasize when they masturbate, they focus on the physical sensations.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2012):
 So, porn is not ok but masturbating is… that’s great..
and just what is he supposed to think about when he masturbates, the stock market? I do not use porn to masturbate but trust me the visions in my head would make a porn star blush… what’s the difference?
and Person12345 what happens when he's masturbating and his mind wanders to something other than you? If it doesn't how does he do that... my mind wanders from one scene to the next and it's not always about my current partner.... maybe it's my ADHD but I can't see how you can always control what pops into your head.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (20 March 2012):
It's not a matter of fair or not fair, it's just the way it is and the way it is just happens to not be working for you or the majority of women who dislike porn. If he won't listen, won't go to therapy, and it's hurting you, find a new boyfriend. I'm as anti porn as they come, but you can't force someone into changing, even if they aren't listening or are treating you badly. I know it's frustrating, but basically if someone has decided not to listen, there's nothing you can do.
Men who don't watch porn do exist, they're just a little more rare. My boyfriend is one of them, so I know firsthand they do exist. He also believes that thinking about other people when you masturbate is disrespectful to your partner. And I didn't meet him at a feminist conference or at some odd place, just when we were both in school and I just stuck to my "no porn in a relationship" standard when I was dating.
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female
reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (20 March 2012):
Candycane1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yeah
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): OP life isn't fair but thats the way life goes. I used to use porn when I was single but now only use it when spending periods of time apart from my girlfriend. I primarily use it as a visual tool to get off. My girlfriend wasn't overly happy with this so I stopped. However she bought a book by Freddie Flintoff despite having no interest in cricket whatsoever so she could use the photos inside to masturbate too. In my mind there was no difference though she claimed otherwise. Now I only use it when I don't see her for a while (such as when she works nights) and do so discreetly. As Cerebrus says its just something to look at to get a quick orgasm. Its not a problem unless your partners using it instead of having sex with you as that could damage your relationship. There is no sexual dysfunction in using it to masturbate as that would mean the majority of men have a sexual dysfunction.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2012):
So OP are you saying that masturbation is ok but not porn?
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reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (20 March 2012):
Candycane1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe guy below why can't all men think like you, it's not fair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): I have a very attractive lady and we have great sex, often. No, I have no need for porn. Sure, when I was single, I watched sometimes for kicks, but I am at work during the day and very active in the evening with my kids, baseball, volleyball and spending time with my lady/friends, I don't spend all that much time sitting around jerking off. I don't have a problem with porn, I just find there to be no reason to watch when I can be with a real person, and I would not disrespect my lady in that way. She does not like porn and I respect her. Masturbation is natural and I don't need to watch porn to feel pleasure. Sorry guys, I think men who need to watch to masturbate have a sexual disfunction problem.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2012):
 I've used porn solo and in relationships, but what I actually prefer is erotic books and romances. To me the sexual feelings are the same, and I don't find sexual toys a turn on.
It's a difficulty question you ask. Many women hate porn for a variety of reasons, a few men hate porn as well. The majority of men like porn and use it, regularly, or very rarely or some men only when their single. Gay men and women like porn too, and so do many women. Many men and women don't care enough about porn to be bothered at all, if they use it or don't use it, it's not something that causes any problems in their relationship.
There is also a lot of variety in porn, just like you get in books. Some people like extreme images (some which are offensive to most), some prefer home made porn, and some like the soft core stuff that is mainstream and shows less of the sexual organs. Some men will even masturbate watching music video's or to pictures of topless girls. Porn users and pornographic material has a lot of variety.
Pornography like masturbation is not about your partner. It is nothing to do with their attractiveness, it is not a question of love. It is about wanting a quick orgasm by watching (or reading) something that turns you on. Your not watching the people in porn and falling in love, half the time you don't even remember what they look like, it's the actual action of the sex movements that porn watchers enjoy. Just like in masturbation, you don't walk around all day dreaming about the solo sex you just had. You have an orgasm, you feel release, you feel energized, or relaxed and you go on with your day. The whole experience is forgotten within minutes.
Many women ask, "Does that mean he doesn't find me attractive".... well do you stop masturbating when your in a relationship? Some people do, but that means you got to find a lot of time during the day to have sex, where as masturbation is quickly done and quickly forgotten. If a guy was to treat you like that, quick and over and forgotten then you would be displeased.
Why do men need porn? I don't think they do, but for some reason they find that orgasm is easier to achieve if they have something sexy to look at. Women buy romance novels and erotica and many use them for the same purpose. Women can use a vibrator and their imagination (ie: having sex with the guy next door, your old school teacher, or Brad Pitt and George Clooney) Men don't have such toys, what they have is the porn, and they probably use their imagination to pretend it's Angelina Jolina and them having sex instead of the people in the video, or maybe even their girlfriend and them doing things that are normal forbidden in real life. Just like the movies, you can be your own star living out your fantasy.
Some women claim that the only person they find sexy is their partner. They say they only have orgasms if they think of them, and they don't seem to have sexy thoughts about anyone else. If this is the case for you, then yes it's hard for you to understand anyone becoming aroused by anything except sex with your partner. I find it strange myself, considering the amount of women who buy magazines, go to the movies, and scream and get heart palpitations over Johnny Depp. But if you don't watch romantic movies or books, have no dreams of strange men having sex with you, never have any signs of sexual arousal unless your thinking of your partner, then yes you might not understand pornography, and yes, you would likely feel guilty if you ever had became aroused by something else.
Women who hate pornography probably spend more time thinking about it than the person who is using it. Their orgasm is finished in seconds, whilst a woman can be upset by in for weeks, months or years. Some women feel inadequate over porn, because the have their own body issues, lack confidence and keep comparing themselves to other women, instead of finding self-love and acceptance for who they are. These women judge their own self-worth only through the eyes of some man.
There is no need for you to deny your feelings, and if you really can't get your head around it and the guy refuses to stop, then like everything else, your a mismatched couple and it's probably best to end the relationship. There are many people who don't like porn, or don't choose to use it in their relationships.
PS: Seeing people having sex can be a turn on for couples.. funny enough the one time I saw it in real life (on a beach) it made me angry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): "It's like trying to compare eating a nice juicy apple and looking at a picture of one or a video of someone eating an apple. There really is no comparison."
You don't get satiated from watching videos of people eating apples nor do you get to enjoy the sweet taste of an apple from looking at a picture of one. It's a no brainer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): "well the truth is if you look at these women... the only perfect thing on them are the boobs."
Actually no it's not. Real tits are perfect tits. Not fake round ones that stay pert even when a girl lying on her back.
There is literally no such thing as perfection and the closest thing to perfection is the real woman in our lives, our love, our ultimate fantasy and as perfect a woman as you can get because she's our partner in all things. Our partners are the embodiment and culmination of all the good things in our lives. Porn stars are nothing to us and we don't even see them long enough to find anything perfect in them. Still pictures are photoshopped, movies have lighting and soft lenses.
Porn is nowhere near the sounds, smells, taste, view and soft warmth of a our real women.
It's like trying to compare eating a nice juicy apple and looking at a picture of one or a video of someone eating an apple. There really is no comparison.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 March 2012):
I think that for 52 I'm pretty hot. I'm a goddess on my knees if you ask my fiance. He's younger than I am by a good chunk (13 years) and he loves porn and I'm ok with it.
I rarely turn him down for sex (well I do when he wakes me at 3 am and i have to get up at 6) but we have a decent sex life.
we have watched porn together and I have no problem with it. I had no problem with porn as a teenager when I found it in my daddy's night table along with the book "the joy of sex" that my mom gave him for father's day... so I guess part of my acceptance is that I was raised to know that what's on paper or film is NOT real life.
Not sure why he should feel guilty looking at others that he will never have.... should I feel guilty like the last poster said when I think of other people when I masturbate?
I look at other men and think "how attractive they are" then I go home and love my man. I love crabcakes. but NOT every day. He loves steak but if i fed him steak every day he would tire of it...
As for why I don't mind porn and how to help you get over it... I think that for me it was an age thing... because when I was your age... porn was HARDER to come by and it was NOT as prevalent (well film was not but playboy, penthouse and hustler were around and they didn't bother me)
I don't know if I had gotten up at 2 am and found my partner whacking off in front of a computer how I would have felt... now I find it amusing...
I think that for some women it's about feeling secure with themselves and their womanhood. I think that some women are threatened by the fake porn stars... they think they are not good enough... well the truth is if you look at these women... the only perfect thing on them are the boobs.
many of them have zits (covered by makeup but you can see the skin is bad) or they have bumps etc... they are NOT perfect in any way shape or form...
I am an older scared small natural breasted woman... I am not Asian but if you look on my man's computer you will find all young Asian women in porn... it's just what he likes... and yet when I ask him why he's with me and not a young Asian woman... it's because he loves me. And what appeals to him visually is not enough to sustain his day to day life... he needs a full partner someone he trusts and loves and can hold and that holds him back and loves him.
Did you have an imaginary friend as a child? It's the same sort of thing...
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reader, Beingblack +, writes (3 March 2012):
 Women - if you have a really attractive boyfriend, do you still fantasise about someone else when you masturbate? Do you feel guilty for doing it? If so, dont you feel guilty about getting off on someone else?
After all, a woman can cleverly fantasise about all sorts of things, and no-one but her can truly know exactly what that is.
Dumb ass men like me need to visualise it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): My wife is attractive, but, as she put it, she's at a stage in her life where she just isn't very interested in sex. We've talked about it plenty, but she says there are other things in her life that are more important to her, and she just doesn't think about sex much any more.I've tried all the usual stuff, we've gone to counseling, etc. She says I'm not doing anything wrong, and it's not me; she's just not interested in sex anymore.I've tried to just not think about sex and to kill my own sex drive, but I've been only partially successful. So, yes, I do watch porn. It's about the only form of sex available to me now that I'm married and I'm in a "committed" relationship. Divorce might be my only option, but I'm still trying to figure out some way to make it work for now. I don't feel guilty at all about using porn. My wife says she doesn't mind, and I'm discrete about it. I'd much prefer not to use it, but after several years of trying, I've given up on trying to get my wife more interested in sex. I eventually threw away all the sex and relationship books I'd bought. There's only so much a person can do to try to change someone else. At some point you have to either accept them the way they are or break up.
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female
reader, Rylie-Ann +, writes (3 March 2012):
 If you hate it, you hate it.
I don't think there's a problem unless it's an addiction or the viewer starts confusing it with reality.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2012):
 I don't mind porn because I enjoy watching it. It has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in a relationship. When I was younger I watched a lot of porn. Now I watch it once in a while. For me it's not a compulsive habit. So if I have a boyfriend who minds me watching it I can stop and have no problems with it. For guy I believe it shouldn't be that hard either. There are men who never watched porn but after marriage and kids suddenly they take an interest in it. The only tip I can give you is not to take it personally, and to understand that porn would always be there. I see a guy on Maury show. The young single mom is the most beautiful person in the world and her husband cheats with 70 year olds in bars. So there are people doing stupid things and it got nothing to do with attraction in a partner. When porn becomes an addiction even when the relationship is good that's another story. When your man tells you porn is good for him and not for you (double standard), that's another story.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): Tons of women who have attractive boyfriends still watch romantic movies starring attractive leading men. They still read trashy romance novels. Etc. They don't feel guilty about it, do they?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): "Hi are there any men who have really attractive girlfriends as in lots of other people find them attract aswell and they are amazing in bed that still use porn? "
Yup, plenty of us.
"If so why don't you feel guilty for getting off on others?"
Nope not in the slightest because I'm not getting off on others, I'm getting off watching two nameless actors having sex, not someone else. It's the same as watching a romantic movie and being moved emotionally, does that mean I'm getting my romantic needs fulfilled by someone else? No, it's just a movie, porn is just a movie not reality.
"Also women who don't mind porn in a relationship why is it that you don't, what tips do you have for people who hate it."
My girlfriend uses it and doesn't mind me using it.
In all honesty I don't think there is much you can do to change your hatred of it other than to try and realize that it's not real, we guys don't consider it real. We're not looking at other women, just the act itself. To us it's a masturbation tool, like a vibrator is to a woman. It means nothing to us, it just makes masturbation far quicker than having to use our imagination and once we're done we turn it off and never think of that specific video or girl. Literally 30 seconds to a minute. In my experience a movie like twilight is far more profound an emotional experience than any porn is. Women get so worked up and gush over the actors in that, is that emotional cheating? If you were letting another guy other than your boyfriend make you feel that way in real life then it would be a betrayal wouldn't it? Yet us guys don't really care nor see actors as a threat.
If you could just see that porn is just a movie, a tool to do something useful for us for literally two minutes then maybe you can learn to live with it. I watch Schindlers list when I want to stir deep emotions and cry, I watch comedies when I want to laugh, I watch horrors when I want to feel fear and I watch porn when I want to get off in 2 minutes without waking up my girlfriend or when she's not going to be around for hours and I need to release my semen.
Just remember though, there's nothing wrong with hating porn, you can always make sure the guys you date don't use it. That way it won't be an issue.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (2 March 2012):
Porn use generally won't change depending on how much sex a person is getting or how attractive their partner is or how happy they are in a relationship. For many it is a compulsive habit built up by many years of use. It's incredibly difficult to give up and it's not just because it feels good. Here's an interesting article about its use:
http://www.therapytoday.net/article/show/1665/
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): I have been in a happy and loving relationship for 6 months now I think she is the most beautiful person the world.Porn in the right amounts a can be good to get tips off to improve your sex life.But watch out for using it to much as in reality porn movies wont be the same as real life can often lead to disappointment.
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