A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im a young female who came out of a serious relationship a year ago. it wasnt the best relationship by any means, many arguments and some awful times, but as stupid as it may sound, we just loved each other. so much. maybe too much as we just couldnt let each other go, although it was a year since we broke up, we've still been texting, meeting, dining together, sleeping together, basically being "a couple" but without the label, that is until a few weeks ago and we had a huge fall out which i believed was beyond repair.a few days later a friend of mine introduced me to a guy who it turned out i got on with really well. we have been seeing each other since and slept with each other for the first time tonight. he then assumed this meant we were a couple and he said how happy he was.however, now hes left i cant stop crying, all i can think of is my ex (who by the way, found out i was seeing this new guy, had a crazy go at me before apologising and saying it was only because he still loved me)now, i dont know if its because my ex has declared his love for me once more, or whether i just like the comfortableness and familiarity of my ex but im missing him like crazy, i know we're bad news for each other and things would go back to being bad almost straight away and i do want to give this new guy a chance as he's a genuinely lovely guy.How do i make these feelings go away?
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female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 HelloI was in a relationship for 14 years that was emotionally abusive everyone else around me could see it I couldn't - until a long time after he moved his things out and left - but for ages I kept thinking he would cone back.Many people described it to me like losing a limb but one wise person said "it's like smoking, you know it's bad for you, you know it's hurting you - people can tell you it's bad for you but until you realise it, and decide to stop you won't. But once you decide to stop, it's tough at first but gets easier and easier until you think to yourself "umm why did i ever do that"When you get to that stage, you realise it's the best thing you ever didAnd it's the same with bad relationships, once you have moved on your be ready to have fun dating - some will be flings, some will be bad, some will be good - and eventually your find someone who treats you right and your just know, that old relationship wasn't the Rose tinted one you thought it was, but this new one might just be perfect.There isn't just one person for each of us, there's hundreds and your find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): It sounds like you're just afraid to be alone so that's why you're clinging to your ex and maybe also the same reason he's clinging to you. If you really loved each other, you wouldn't be doing this on-again, off-again type thing, you would be SURE of each other. If you really loved each other, you wouldn't be afraid to label yourselves as a couple since you continued doing all the 'couple things' anyway. So I think you two don't really love each other, you actually know you can't stand each other. But you're both too afraid to be alone, and as a result you both can't meet anyone new. And so you keep running back to each other for comfort even though it turns out bad in the end and you know it.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (14 September 2011):
Hi there. You say it was over with the first guy, however you kept in contact all this time. And it's been a year!
Why did you break up then? Perhaps it was because neither of you is afraid to move on, just in case there still is a chance for the two of you.
Was it possible that you were both not ready to commit to something more serious - like moving on towards marriage?
Maybe you both made each other your whole universe - the be all and end all of life. Nothing else outside of the relationship. The relationship was it, with no outside interests or separate friends and seeing them.
Maybe you were together all the time - when you weren't at work. Like seeing each other every day without a break in between.
Familiarity can breed contempt. By that I mean, you can be together so often, that there is hardly ever a time when you AREN'T together. Is that the way it was? If so, I can understand how you could have been arguing fairly often.
No matter how much two people like/love each other, each of you does need your own time and life outside of the relationship. Otherwise, you can simply get in each other's way. It can feel a bit stifling - no escape.
It's even possible that you were afraid to spend time apart from each other, because you both felt that it was not the thing to do inside a relationship.
It is necessary and it's healthy, to have some time apart during an average week. If you are not living together, it's easy. You just see each other on the weekend, and just one phone call during the week.
When you are not seeing each other, you actually have time to "miss" each other. When you are together for most of the time, you don't get a chance for that to happen. In fact it doesn't happen at all.
It could have been a big part of the problem.
If you were living together back then, the way you could get around it is to go out once a week and see your friends, and spend a couple of hours with them, catching up. Even starting up a hobby.
The real crucial factor here is, to have some time apart and NOT be with each other every spare hour of your day.
Sometimes it really is necessary to have your space, and to not be in each other's face all the time. Because you can actually have TOO MUCH togetherness. Perhaps that was it.
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A
female
reader, boredofit92 +, writes (14 September 2011):
It sounds like you were lucky to get out of your first relationship, if you had so many unhappy times and arguments chances are you guys arent right for each other. Better to end it now than carry on for another couple of years before another big argument makes you split for the second time. i think the fact that you've found a nice guy is really good for you as its a kind of distraction. Not saying he should be your rebound but if you grow to like him eventually your feelings for him will override your feelings for your ex. 2 of my friends were with their bfs for around 3-4 years in mediocre relationships and after ending them tbh they were both depressed, thought they would never get over it. Now they both have bfs that treat them so much better and appreciate them! if you dont think your going to spend the rest of your life with the ex dont put yourself through it x
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A
female
reader, Opalescent +, writes (14 September 2011):
I have been in your situation, with the bad relationship and having a hard time letting it go. Its tough, especially when you care about him...or at least you think you do. I dated my ex for five years and I think we both could admit that the only reason was because it was comfortable. The relationship got stale and we fought all the time, kind of like what your describing. The best thing to do was to move on from each other- and we did. I would suggest taking time for yourself. Keep yourself busy, spend time with your friends, and keep your mind off of him. I know how it is...everyone says that time heals but you dont want to have to wait because it hurts. But its the truth! Time DOES heal and during that healing process I think you learn a great deal about relationships and what you truly want. Another thing I would suggest is to keep yourself single. One of the worst things you could do right now is jump into another relationship so soon. Give yourself time to get over your ex and learn to be independent. Just my thought. Stay strong :)
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