A
male
age
41-50,
*ukeconfused
writes:to give a bit of back ground i have been married for 13 years and been with my wife for nearly 16. she is a great person and a great mother to our 3 children (aged 11,12,13).we got to together at young age and had the old whirlwhind romance. i asked her to marry me after two weeks.about 6 years ago she got very close to another guy and i believe she had an affair. she lied about where she was going and it eventually came to end when i caught her coming out of his house after she said she was at a friends. to this day she says they were just friends.i am not a possesive guy so her having mail friends is not an issue to me.nevertheless i put it behind me for the sake of our children. the last thing i want is for my kids to have to go through divorce and a split family which happened to me twice growing up.since then though i have just pretty much coasted. at home my motivation dropped off and in many respects i feel like i have shut down.at work and with friends i have always put on the front that everything is utopia. i even have with my wife.recently at work i have become good friends with a woman at work who is single with a little boy. his dad is active in his life. not sure if there is anything from her side but i have picked on some signals. she knows i am married and she respects this. there has never been any conversation other than as friends. certainly no physical contact and i have been careful not to reveal the stirring i am having inside.although she is physically attractive it is not that which i find drawing me in. it is the little things like the way she raises her eybrow, the way she postures differently when putting across a point. her vulnerbility mixed in with great strength.ultimately i need to do the right thing by children and my wife and i can not act on these feelings.i have not looked for a relationship with any woman and have been 100% faithful to my wife. I do find myself thinking about this woman at work a lot these days and as we work away we do have the thing like diiner and have a drink but always in a group setting so not just the two of us but with others from work there.sorry for the ramble but this is somewhat me trying to work things out myself.so to spell it out i guess.i think i am falling for this woman at work and just have no idea what to do about itany advice would be appreciated.thanks
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female
reader, CheatedandLiedto  +, writes (6 December 2010):
Good on you for taking the step forward, hard as it was. Have faith that what you are doing is the right thing. Just remember to be completely honest with each other. Best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Great that the winds of change is taking place in your marriage.
When u discussed her so called affair, what was her excuses/justification/denials- basically how did she react?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Good for you for finally telling your wife about your true feelings. That is a huge step.She seems to have taken it very well. It is natural that she is defensive. She may continue to be that way for a long time. It is part of the process. whatever happens - even if divorce - will be for the best because it is based on the truth. Keeping up a marriage based on lies is psychologically unhealthy for everyone involved.The next few weeks or months will be awkward because now that the truth is out in the open after so many years of being repressed, something HAS changed in your relationship. Whether it will lead to the marriage improving or ending is unknown. be prepared to get uncomfortable, often. Since you have avoided conflict for so many years to keep the peace, now that the truth is out in the open so will the conflict be as well. it will not be peaceful anymore because you have rocked the boat. This is part of the process.There will be times when it seems things are getting worse and you may question why did you tell the truth and not just continue to hide it to keep the peace.But know that you did the right thing. Rocking the boat is the right thing to have done. There is no other way. Because things staying the same as before, is not an option because it was so unhealthy.good luck
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A
male
reader, Lukeconfused +, writes (5 December 2010):
Lukeconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome good advice, I would not say this is a mid life crisis as was suggested. I have however taken a lot of the advice on board. I am not pursuing anything with the woman at work no matter how tempting. I will focus on my marriage see if it can be fixed or not.
I started to be truthful with my wife about our realtionship and told her how I was was feeling, about us, her affair, and how I wanted to fix things. How for years now I have been coasting.
She says she has seen it and knows something is wrong. However she is totally defensive. She decided to sleep on the couch last last night.....
I guess this is the start of the process though, hopefully at the end of is something will be salvaged or re-energised.
As always advice greatly recieved
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It is sometimes easier to run away from problems and use another person as an escape than try and work things out. I think that is what you are doing, and you find this woman attractive - but the attraction of the new can appeal whereas if you were in a relationship with her it would not be perfect either.
I think you need to talk to your wife and work things out together. Don't go down the route of all those cheaters who upset others instead of building something strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): "I do know if I tell her how I truely feel then fall out from it will be massive. ... however I do not even know how to broach how I feel with her. Once I do that I can guess how that would go .."
It is understandable to feel a lot of anxiety over how to break the news to your wife, but you must do it. the sooner the better, you've wasted enough of HER time already. You've already kept your feelings a secret for 6 years. The secrets must stop. Yes there will be fall out - that is to be expected. But avoiding the truth doesn't make it go away. Your wife deserves to hear the painful truth so that she can have the information she needs to make decisions for her own life.
If you've been withdrawn from your marriage for so many years, chances are that she senses things are not quite right between you so when you do break the news to her it may not be as much of a shock as you think. Yes it will still be devastating (the confirmation of your deepest fears are still devastating even if you were anticipating them). But I doubt it will be this out-of-the-blue blindside.
One way to tell her may be to write her a letter. You can say that this is so she can process her feelings in private without feeling self conscious because you are there.
Another way is to make an appointment with her ahead of time to discuss your relationship. This way she knows that something serious is going to ensue and she may be better able to be in the right frame of mind to hear bad news about the relationship. Of course if you do this she may just want you to spit it out now so you should be prepared with what you are going to say anyway.
I have gone through a similar process. My husband betrayed me early in our marriage. I supposedly forgave and tried to not make it a big deal, to rise above it, but that was egotistical of me to think I could be so magnanimous and in truth it was always in my mind and I just tried to stuff my feelings away rather than acknowledge them and deal with them openly. Over the next 7 years (similar time frame as you) my feelings for him eroded due to this but I continued to stuff my feelings.
Our relationship deteriorated. There was no fighting, we were still civil to each other but I no longer cared about my marriage I was only in it because divorce seemed too traumatic an upheaval thus I was civil enough to make day to day living workable. Then I fell deeply in love with a friend, but couldn't do anything about it because I was still married. This made me take a long hard look at my marriage, it made me question what marriage is supposed to be about.
I went to individual counseling for several months. Then I broke the news to my husband that I was completely miserable in the marriage and wanted out. It was devastating to him BUT not a complete surprise because he had felt for years that we were growing further and further apart and he said he had spent the last 5 years of our marriage being afraid that I was going to leave him. I apologized for waiting so long to say this and asked him why didn't HE bring it up sooner if he was so afraid all this time of me leaving him??
So both of us are to blame for having betrayed each other AND for keeping our true feelings secret from each other for years. We are now in marriage counseling together. I don't think we will stay together but the counseling has uncovered issues in both of us that help us understand what went wrong and why it is still not working out now despite our now honest efforts so I think if we divorce we will be going about it in a healthier way - a "healthy divorce" if there's such a thing. Yes there will still be pain and hurt if we divorce but I think this is a better way to end the marriage than if I had just said nothing and one day filed for divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I agree with most of the comments made here. You do need to work out first, whether there is love left and if there is whether you are willing to put the hard work into fixing your marraige. When I found out (recently) that my husband had cheated on me, I went through the whole divorce scenario and even got as far as having the lawyers details. However, I did realise I still loved him, and love him a lot. We have just started seeing a marraige counsellor and it's going reasonably well. I am not going to lie to you, I have doubts about whether this is going to work out. I love him but I hate him for what he did. And I no longer trust him. It's quite tragic really as what we had was something great. Which he has just realised. Anyway, that is our issues and that is not what we are discussing.
My point really is, until you have looked at your marraige closely and work out whether it is worth saving. And if you feel it is, them commit yourself to fixing it. If it doesn't work out despite your best efforts then it wasn't meant to me and you can look at your children in the eyes knowing you did your best. Not only that, you will also be happier within yourself and will be a better partner to this coworker or with any other woman and be happy.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Luke it seems that u have everything figured out in your head. Logically u divorce your wife, still be a dad to your kids while maintaining a 'decent' relationship with the now ex wife. If only life was so simple. In your head did u factor in the hurt, the pain, the devastation u will be causing to your wife and kids?
If you just cannot work on your marriage then by all means get out
but after so many years just to throw it all away bec of your mid life crises- come on.
Surely u can see how wrong this type of thinking is.
Instead of planning a life without your wife and kids why not work on your marriage - thus far u have not. Booth u and your wife have become complacent and you both need to strive to work and protect your marriage.
Coasting along for so many years and then deciding to abandon your wife bec perhaps there is someone else out there is not a good enough reason to turn everyones life upside down.
Just think about what I am saying. U think the grass is greener but at what cost? Yes you may find another woman to share your bed and life but what about your family unit. Out of the blue u want to destroy them.
If u need then ask your wife for a separation, tell her u are not happy with her. Be honest dammit and start from today. Or just drop the bomb without warning and to hell with the consequences.
Either way do not have the unreasonable expectation that your wife will still be 'nice' toward s u once you destroy her world.
A lot of your unhappiness stems from your wifes so called affair and what ifs. Learn to be direct and ask her what the hell was happening then. Tell her u do not trust her and that she hurt you. And she did even if u do not want to admit it.
You need to be certain you want to throw away your family. Sometimes there are no second chances. Only regrets. You have the power and how u decide how you would change it
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): The primary difficulty you have here is twofold. On one hand, you are presuming an affair when you had no actual proof. No confession. No one was caught in the act. You let it die down and let the situation fester without anything to go on other than fantasy and presumptions on your end. In my opinion this was a bad move. You placed yourself in a sort of stasis... either here nor there.... not ever really knowing...
And, you made a decision based upon the unknown... you have thought through the details... and you have basically withdrawn from the marriage. In fact, you basically checked out.
However, you checked out without first confirming. Don't you want to know what happened before you decide how you will respond? What if you were wrong and all of this emotional pain was for nothing? What if you are right, and you've been living in this state of confusion when proof was there for the taking?
Making life altering decisions should be based on reality. Your first job must be to ascertain what reality is. You may have set up a false prison for yourself... who knows... you certainly don't.
So find out what happened. If she won't deal, demand a polygraph or you will divorce her. Period. You need closure on this issue for yourself.
If she won't go for the polygraph, then you have your answer. If she goes, and comes out clean... then you can forgive and let this whole thing go.... realizing that you almost blew the best thing in your life.
However, you should know... one way or the other.
Her actions brought this on the both of you and your children... However... what you are doing RIGHT NOW is equally as culpable. At a minimum... you MUST SEE with wisdom... how feeling dissed and neglected can lead to wanderlust. You are now in her shoes... the place she was in when she did whatever it was she was doing. You can see how it happens... you can see the slippery slope... you get it.
Now, it is up to you what you do with this information... with this newfound wisdom. It is called compassion. It is called love. You have been SHOWN how easy it can happen... feeling isolated and unloved... or simply taken for granted... how it can fester. IF she had an affair... she may have had the same feelings of neglect that you do. Can't you see that what you are experiencing is SHOWING YOU everything you need to see... in order to get to a place of forgiveness?
It is showing you... that given the 'right set of circumstances' you can go down the same path (if she did in fact do so) that she did...
Then she is as blameless as you are...
However, as a father you have a duty to your children that you cannot discharge. Following your wanderlust certainly is not the solution. Finding peace between the two of you is.
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A
male
reader, Lukeconfused +, writes (4 December 2010):
Lukeconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome good points of view raised and some good advice. One of the questions asked about my wife is how I feel about her.This just sounds wrong but I really like her a lot, Guess I am not in love wit her though if you see what I mean.I know that she says she loves me but I sense more of a dependency if that makes any sense.I am certainly going to think about some of the advice given here.I guess one of the things going around in my head is if I am developing feeling for someone else then maybe i do need to sort things at home with my wife.I do ot think I will pursue anything with this woman at work but i do need to get my head around the situation with my wife.I do know if I tell her how I truely feel then fall out from it will be massive. I suppose in some respects maybe I need to work out what exactly are my feeling to my wife are they clouded by her "affair". I actually trust her now in respect to not having an affair and do not think she would repeat that mistake. however I do not even know how to broach how I feel with her. Once I do that I can guess how that would go (it does not help that her sister is going through a break up at the moment as well)I will tell her and then she will go on the defensive, she will also start getting concerned about what will happen if we break up. All in all though the impact will roll on to my kids, Not that she will take out on our kids because she would not she is good mother and loves our children dearly. The stress of the situation though will trickle down to them, she will be short with them.In terms of should I get a divorce, I have considered this for some time. at the time of her "affair" i did see a lawyer and she found the business card. I explained why ands what I was considering. maybe that was the thing made her stop it I am not sure.In terms of a divorce I know this may seem bad but I have almost planned for it in my head for some time. clear up short term debt such as credit cards to free up income. work out how much a small apartment would cost to rent. work out how I could keep paying for the house so my kids have a roof over their heads as my wife would not be able to afford the mortgage as she only works part time and selling the house just to split the proceeds would not work out best for kids.With working out financially how it could be done I then considered what I would want in terms of access to my children and how I could continue to play a very active part in their life. I would love to go for custody but I know the courts would not grant this, Girls always end up going with their mother unless their mother is negligable in some way, my wife is a great mother so I would not lie about this. I would want to find a way that my children know just how much I do love them and be there for them, I suppose here to a certain extent is the killer, just coming home having a laugh with. having a chat with about their day, helping them with their homework, just chilling out on the couch watching TV or whatever. This is what I would miss out on and I just could not imagine it.I then come to maintaining some form of relationship with my wife. I do not mean it in terms of intimate or anything like that. but being able to be civil and get long for the sake of our kids. Like I said my wife is a good person. I am afraid that going through the divorce would turn her a bit. I suppose it makes me think what my mother was like when I grew up and should would always say I was just like my dad when i did something wrong. Not sure guess I am rambling a bit and still working it out.Maybe I do need to consider do I want to fight for my marriage or not. right now I am not sure and possibly the feeling for this woman at work are more a sign of me needing to work out what to do about my marriage rather than I just love someone else.Any advice greatly recieved
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Switch departments and go to marital counseling.
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A
female
reader, Beaurosie  +, writes (4 December 2010):
I strongly advise that you do not pursue a relationship with your co-worker. Instead of thinking about beginning a new relationship you should be putting all your engeries into the relationship you have at this present time with your wife and children. It sounds as if you have issues concerning your wife's past behaviour, these issues need to be bought out into the open, they need to be discussed and aired and then put behind you. If after at least six months you then feel that you do not wish to spend your life with your wife then you should leave and then pursue a new relationship. There is an old saying 'two wrongs don't make a right', so whatever your wife has done in the past , it does not make this right for you to do the same thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Well, you need counseling with a good marriage counselor first. Be prepared to be surprised. If your wife is as good as you say she is, be prepared to be very surprised."it eventually came to end when i caught her coming out of his house after she said she was at a friends"Yes, she had an affair, I can say this even though I wasn't there. There are multiple types of affairs, this one ended when she got caught coming out of his house. Sex? Probably, almost certainly, and probably more than she will admit to.Lies about it? Certainly. She was supposed to be somewhere else. The lies probably go a lot further than you realize.In fact, even if you get counseling, expect the lies to continue for quite a while. You could ask the other guy what happened, and act like you know the truth, but expect lies from both ends.What do you want to do with the marriage?I've been there, and I'd suggest the following. Get two books to read, and read them openly but not in front of your children. Don't hide this from your wife. Do hide it from your children. Get a safe to lock them in when you are not reading them, the kids should not know about the affair at this point.After the AffairNot "Just Friends"Tell your wife that you want to go to counseling, and if she isn't going with you then you are going on your own.Get a good counselor, and work with them, and this (if your wife doesn't agree to come) is for your own benefit on how to deal with the marriage.Don't get involved with the other woman until you have finalized your current marriage, if it comes to that. This can be very complex psychologically.I went through a lot of what you are describing, my wife denied her affair as well for a number of years, and at one point I told my wife that I was thinking about leaving because of problems that just wouldn't go away, and I had no explanation for them, but I'd done all that I could (and I did a lot). I agreed to go to counseling again. She confessed to an affair, but it didn't make sense. Then, she lied to me and the counselors (2 simultaneously - one for her and one for "us") just like she had lied to the one years before (years longer than your time frame). After several months, of counseling, questioning, confusion, and frank disbelief in the story and motivations she expressed, she broke through one day and confessed to not only the full extent of the affair, but drug use, alcohol abuse, rape, sex abuse history, and a whole lot more that nobody knew about and that she had kept hidden for many years. Our relationship is better today than ever before. However, I was not an absent father or husband, home every single night without fail and to all my children's functions, never missed a birthday or mother's day or anniversary or holiday, and believe me I was surprised as was the counselor.All I can say is "be prepared".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): You are doing the right thing of holding back from acting on your feelings for this other woman and taking the time to actually stop and think things through and deliberate.
However you did the wrong thing of coasting in your marriage for the last 6(?) years and letting yourself feel more and more dead and disengaged in your marriage. Yes your wife was at fault for her suspicious behavior. And yes it was admirable of you to not make a big deal out of it and to have put your kids' best interests first. But, clearly it WAS a big deal to you after all, you just were not admitting it. You made a mistake of not examining and honoring your true feelings long ago and doing something about it, of letting your feelings for your wife/marriage go down the drain but without saying anything about it even to your wife. Of course you believed you were doing the right thing of staying married for your kids. Many people would say that is the right thing to do. But as you can see, that is not a good approach in the end because once a marriage relationship deteriorates, you no longer feel loyal to your wife. You may force yourself to be loyal, but it is not a joyful willingness. Just going through the outwards motions is not enough in a marriage because if your heart isn't consistent with your actions (even though your actions are noble and honorable) sooner or later your heart will get pulled into a contradictory direction as you are finding yourself in right now.
I suggest that you forget about this coworker of yours while you figure out what to do about your marriage. You may want to seek marriage counseling to try and work through your trust issues and rebuild true intimacy and love for your wife. If you true love and intimacy with your wife you will no be interested in anyone else, problem solved. But your efforts will be sabotaged if you are still thinking about this new woman, so you need to cut her out of your life while you are working on your marriage. Find a different job, or transfer to another department so you won't come into contact with her.
If after truly giving your marriage a serious attempt at rebuilding (which many therapists say should be at least a year of committed effort while in counseling) you still find yourself feeling dead in your marriage, then you should probably divorce. Once divorced you can now pursue the new woman or anyone else. Divorce however, is a scary thing unto itself so there may be the temptation to stay married anyway even if you still don't have a good relationship with your wife. I hope you will not take that route.
If you find your marriage is not improving yet you dont' want to divorce (for the sake of the kids) then that is a different problem because you will likely find yourself right back in your present situation, maybe with the same woman or maybe with a different woman.
so, I hope you can either improve your marital relationship with your wife so you are not tempted by anyone else, or else I hope you will have the fortitude to get a divorce and leave a marriage that is not loving.
good luck!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 So what exactly are your feelings towards your wife? Is there love anymore? If not, there really is no point staying in a loveless marriage that will do nothing but warp you until you are sour and unloving towards everything, including your children. That is why I always suggest divorce when love burns away in a marriage.
Your wife's behavior back then is suspicious, if she truly was just a friend to that other man, why did she feel she needed to lie about where she was? What was her excuse and what has she done to prove her loyalty and commitment in this marriage? When she says "I love you", do you see it in her eyes when she looks at you? Or are her words meaningless?
If you feel nothing towards her, if there is little trust between you, I suggest you leave her. I know you are worried about your children but one day they will understand why and I think you will find that they are stronger than they appear.
What you choose to do with this other woman is up to you. If you think she is right for you, by all means pursue her. From what you wrote (This is merely the impression I got) you feel more for this other woman than your wife right now. It is perfectly fine to feel the way you do, nobody can help feeling things for other people but do so honestly and without deceit that you may potentially enter another relationship with a pure heart.
I hope that helps.
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