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anonymous
writes: I am married but I have feelings for another man. I want to love my husband, but I still think about this other man. How can I keep my marriage? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I think it's clear that you are not alone in this boat. I too have been struggling with this problem. My husband and I have been married for just 2 1/2 years. I know - too short of a time to have this problem. Things have been rocky from the beginning. Shortly after our honeymoon, he confessed that he does not believe in our religion and basically stated that he didn't want anything to do with it anymore. This tore me in two because our religion is everything to me! When he told me, I broke down completely with worries about how we would live our lives, raise our future children...etc. It seems like religion really has a hand in everything. Also, my husband worked hard to get me. He followed me across the country when I got a job out there and I truly believe that he loved me enough to do anything for me. After getting to know him better, I am starting to believe that he is just a big risk-taker. He likes adventure. Our relationship became physically intimate sooner than I would have liked in retrospect. I think I married for lust, rather than love. Also, I felt guilty for having sexual relations outside of marriage - a big no no in our religion. When I started law school I met a really awesome guy. Everything about him is perfect - tall, dark, and handsome. He is so funny and intelligent. I am just crazy about him. We have a great connection. Sometimes I read his feelings in his eyes. Although nothing has ever happened between us, I feel that so much goes unsaid. I think he might know how I feel about him and I think he might feel the same way. He has a serious girlfriend and it is important to him to stay committed to her. Moreover, I think he is definitely not the type to go after a married woman. I think he respects that level of commitment. I have not told my husband about my feelings for the other guy. Nor have I told the other guy. Part of me believes that you get what you put into a marriage. To get rid of these feelings I have tried to "love" my husband more by doing things for him and caring for me. It's not easy, and I'm not sure that it's working. After reading the replies I think that part of my problem isn't so much that there is someone else out there for me, but that I am not satisfied with the relationship that I already have. I have wondered many times lately whether or not my husband really loves me. He spends SO much time away from home. When I confronted him about it, he said that he does it because we often fight. To me that said that he already gave up on us. I've never felt more hurt. Like you, I don't know exactly what to do. I don't think going after the other guy is going to make me happier. It will be a distraction for now, but in the end I think it will leave me with more pain. I do feel like I'm at a breaking point though. I need to convey to my husband that I am not getting what I need out of our relationship. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I feel like crying every time we have sex. I am purely unhappy. I think that my unhappiness would be resolved if I truly believed that he cared about me and loved me. This won't happen unless I see an effort from him to put me at the top of my priority list. Just one final piece of advice. I am willing to put my whole heart into my marriage. I made a commitment to love him forever and I will do my best to honor that commitment. However, there will be a point where I will no longer be able to do this. I strongly believe that God loves each of his children and because of that he doesn't expect me to be unhappy. I will only leave if leaving is the only way I can be happy. Yes, I know it's hard. I'm hoping I can convince my husband to go to marriage counseling or whatever it takes to get us through this. Good luck!!!PS - I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway. Affairs are just a really bad idea. Don't do it. You'll regret it later.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I am also in this situation. I am 27 and on my second marriage. I have had sex with the other man and my husband knows about this, buthte feelings won't go away. This is called an emotional affair. Your emotions are so strong for the other person that you are having an affair on your spouse. It is hard to undo, beacuse it is somethign that attracts you to him or her that your spouse is lacking. How do you explain this to your spouse, you can't. They won't understand. I know for a fact. Try to stop the emotional affair as quickly as possible before any other individuals lives are affected.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I have my own mixed feelings in my relationship and mixed feelings about these postings.My husband doesn't treat me bad but he doesn't treat me good either. He is home every night but something is missing.He doesn't spend anytime with me. Sometimes he will say the meanest unforgivable things and thinks it is okay. Then a little while later talks like he never said anything. I haven't had the heart to leave him for my son's sake. I feel like this is a marriage of convenience and a comfort zone. I recently started talking to man who knows I am married. I know nothing would develop because I am married and he will not cross that line. I am trying to let the crush run it's course. I am not sure how he feels. I can't help but wonder what if. My husband has told me for 15 yers how fat and stupid I am. I know it is cruel to stay with my husband until I discover love elsewhere.I am not sure what I want.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): I too am in the same situation. It is kind of nice to hear I am not the only one in this predicament. To have people understand what I am going through.I am 28 years old and have been with my husband for 11 years. We have been married for 6 years and have 3 children. Things with my husband are not bad by any means... The passion has dissipated over time, but I think that is something that just naturally happens. I know he loves me and I know I love him, but the little things that he used to do for me don't happen anymore. Those were the things that made me feel certain in our relationship. Those were the things that made me feel special and remind me that I am loved. When my husband and I first started dating he used to act like he was lucky to have me. Now I feel like he just expects me to be there because we are married. Almost like he has me and he knows it so he doesn't have to try anymore. The other man I have feelings for is co-worker who is also married. At first I just enjoyed talking to him at company functions. Over time I found myself going out of my way to be around him and spend time with him. We both played on our company's softball team. It was something gradually happened and during a meeting at work I found myself wondering about this man sexually. Which I thought was no big deal we will always have thought like thats right?? When this other man told me that we have a "special relationship" I totally understood what he was talking about. It was almost like being in high school again. I would get giddy just seeing him. I couldn't wait for Monday to see him. He tells me that I am beautiful. He tells me that I am smart. He tells me that he likes me for me and loves to spend time with him. After we both admitted our feelings for one another we agreed that we would never take with relationship to the next level because we are married and we want to honor our vows, but am I honoring my vows when I have these feelings for another man?? I am sitting on the couch next to my husband and find myself thinking about this other man. When I have a disagreement with my husband I ask myself if I was with this other man would I have the same arguments? How would he treat me? He is always on my mind. Even though I have not had sex with this man I still feel guilty like I am having an affair. I know that this situation with the other man is like a fantasy there are no kids, no bills, no laundry. NO reality whatsoever. What do I do? There are days I feel like I am leading 2 lives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I still think some of you have no idea. I am personally not falling for another man because I don't want to "work" at my marriage. As I said previously, I worked at it (almost ALONE) for 19 years now, and got treated like CRAP TOO MUCH OF THE TIME. This man did and said things to me that made me feel like hell. It's not about boredom--it's about emotional abuse. Remember, I prayed for and forgave this man after he took off for more than a year without warning. I gave him another chance and have put my "all" into this for years. Although I will always see love him as a person, there is a time when I must move on with my life and find happiness with someone who is not so cruel and uncommunicative. At this point, I do not feel bad. I have prayed and made my peace with God. What you ladies must understand is that it takes TWO to have a good marriage. I think you are being judgmental on all who are tempted by an affair. We are only human. One can not be humiliated and pushed to the side for decades and not be expected to want to feel love again. There is a time to give up; for me that time is now as I have asked for a separation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): i know exactly how most of you feel. i have been married for 8 yeras and we have one child together. we were the typical highschool sweethearts...now i am falling for this man who i somewhat work with. we flirt it's fun...but now i am getting feelings for him. not sure what to do. want to "be" with him, but cannot hurt my family. my marriage is ok...event though we don;t have much us time andwe do our own things...somedays are good, others not so...so i am torn as well..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Im in the same position but I've never been unfaithful sexually but emotionally yes. Its just that in my husbands life me and my child are always second to the world. One gets tired of always feeling unimportant and overlooked. I stay with him for my son and the financial stability. You have to look out for yourself first and foremost. Happyness is important but it all has to be weighed out in the end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Hello i'am in the same boat. I love my husband but i do have feelings for someone else, i feel horrible about it but some people said it is natural. i have been married for 10 years together 13 years. The guy that i have feelings for is a co-worker and he has feelings for me too. i have 2 girls and a home. I really do not know what to do it is hard when you see the person everyday at work. I can not get him out of my mine. I have thought about a affair with this person. I just can not bring myself to do it though. I feel like i have known him my whole life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): i too am in the same positon... i have been in a relationship for 4 years and are close to getting married. but for the past month me and my bf havent been meeting due to work from both sides. i started hanging out with my best friend she introduced me to her male best friend. which at first tought he was just a cool nice guy but as time passes i cant stop thinking about him :( we just clicked he gives me butterflies.
what the hell can i do i mean i love my bf and he is special to me but i cnt stop thinking about the other guy.
p.s its affecting our sex life my libido has gone below 0 i mean it started before meeting the new guy. whats wrong with me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): I am in a simliar situation. I married young and too quickly, within 9 months of meeting this person. I thought I was so in love at the time and also was pregnant. I miscarried, but decided to go through with the marriage.We have been married for 17 years and have 3 beautiful children. In the beginning things were fine, felt truly in love and handled the quick temper fairly well. As time progresses and my husbands respect for my career, my thoughts, our finances, his own unhappiness, lack of interest to create a will or have life insurance to protect us if anything should happen to him. He disengages anytime I try to have a serious conversation regarding finances or sex. I cringe when we have sex to the point where I just do it to get it over with, there is no enjoyment here and I feel like punching him during sex. If I disagree with him or do something differently even to the point of planting flowers wrong, he gets angry, yells and stomps off. This is a roller coaster as some days are fine, others are like walking on egg shells.I know deep down somewhere I still love him. But, I am tired of feeling like crap, my self-esteem ripped out of me, feeling so alone. I feel no love in my house when it comes to us as a couple. He can be a good father on occassion, but generally is selfish and puts his desires and even plans before the kids.I have considered on more than one occassion especially when things were bad and force "Yes, folks, you can feel raped by your husband on occassion" were used because I wasn't ready after having a baby." Even the yelling, the lack of communication, there is so much here that has wanted me to walk out the door. Faith in God and the committment I made before the alter has kept me where I am. However; over time, with everything else, my faith has dimminished as I am simply worn out.There is so much hurt, resentment and feelings that I have been trying to rid myself but can't. I brought up conseling and my feelings and stated I want to fix our marriage, but he just said, "I'm not wasting my money on counseling". Another thing folks, I'm the flipping bread winner. Makes jokes about the fact that I'm not happy and think things are bad. Now that you have some background. To add to this post, I met someone (A co-worker) and fell instantly in love. I know I wasn't supposed to as I was "married" so we were just friends and stated that I was married and would never consider doing anything but that. However; as I got to know this person, I couldn't deny the fact I loved him and him me, we have a connection I have never felt with my husband. We talk about everything, even things I could never talk about with my husband. I love him so much and we had an affair, never thought I could do that, but I ended up initiating it, don't even know how. I kissed him first and slept with him, I was domineering. He respected my marriage and has let me have the control here. Since then we have talked through things we could do to be together, but thinks I should try to repair my marriage first. He also worries about the safety of my children and myself and has even made suggestions on how to leave when the time comes I do it to protect us.So, please don't ever judge one having an affair, I used to think differently as I would never expect to have one. I don't encourage them as there is a lot of emtional pain that goes with it.I have chosen to end the affair because I love that man that much and want him to move on because I am not ready to completely give up on my marriage yet. I also know that I am not scared if I left my husband that my feelings would be different for the man I had an affair with, he is the real deal. I truly found a soal-mate with him and will carry him with me to my dying day or to a point in time we can be together.So, I can't offer advise, but make sure to think things through with your mind, not your heart alone. Try to bring the faith back into your life for real. I really think time will tell for all of us. If you give or have gived the situation mutiple tries to fix it, then at some point, you are just dying staying there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007): I too am married, but can't stop thinking of an ex co-worker that I got close to before I left...I do love my husband, but haven't felt 'in love' in ages, and I feel horribly guilty. We bicker a lot, have two daughters that take up most of our time and energy, and I'm tired of being talked to like crap. I know the attraction factor with other man is because there's no ties, no responsibilities, etc. - but I speak to him on the phone from time to time, and feel guilty about how good I feel after hanging up...I only feel close to him because we kissed once (I know, so bad), and now we are slightly flirty when we talk. I feel numb at home, and this isn't helping!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): I have a different point of view. I am in the same position. I have been married for 18 years. My husband left me once when we were married for 5 years. He visited my son, but did not speak to me for a year. I was/am a devout Christian. I prayed for him and waited for him, and after almost 15 months, we started "dating" again, went to marital counseling, and got back together. We have one teenager. After years of his complacency and emotional abuse, I have fallen out of love with him and do not feel I can trust my heart to him. I have also fallen for someone else who treats me better than my husband ever did. I am torn--between the financial stability of the marriage and the stability for our child...and this man who I love and who loves me and makes me happy in return. I have asked for a separation from my husband, but he is saying he doesn't want it. But I know he can not help but return to his same emotionally abusive pattern.
Needless to say, I am much less judgmental about affairs than I was in the past. Here I am, a devout Christian woman...never thought I would be in this position. 18 years of one-sided work at a marriage!! But I am actually considering an affair rather than tear the marriage apart and hurt my child.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006): I am in the same exact situation. I have thought things through and ther are so many things about my husband that are worth me NOT going throgh with these feelings. I just started to think that if I were to have an affair, would this other man be there for me the way my husband is? I don't think so. It seems to me it is purely sexual. I have more tied up in my marriage than I do with this man. Think about it before you do anything.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
You MUST forget and break off all contact with this other man. When you made the choice to get married you chose to forsake all others. Think about it.
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (24 June 2005):
 I agree with other reader's advice...but I have to ask. Are you bored? Can I assume that. If so, I am always amazed at how people do this. They marry, they get bored and look for other avenues to fill up their needs & desires. I personally, think that is selfish and very disturbing how this trend keeps happening. I feel so badly for your husband. Sounds like he deserves a woman who loves, him, respects him and is totally honest with him. Make the clear cut choice...it's either hubby or this other guy. Can't have them both. Marriage is sacred...it's a lifetime commitment-it's one on one. You can build on what you have with hubby, work hard, and keep your family together. It will take time and perhaps some marriage counseling, but it can be done. Or...you can continue to have feelings for this other guy-and do nothing. Inevitably, hubby & family (if you have kids)will get hurt because it will be just a matter of time when you will "act out" your feelings (if you haven't already) for this guy and your marriage will be destroyed anyways. It's your call. If you want your marriage to work...you are the only person that can control your destiny. It takes strength, it takes morals, it takes perseverence but it can be done.One final thought. Theoretically speaking-If you and this other guy have an affair...ask yourself...just what type of man is he? That he would disrespect another man's marriage. Honorable, good men do not mess with another man's marriage...plain and simple. And honorable, loving women do NOT forsake their marriage vows because they are bored- and want some outside action. No one has ever claimed that marriage is easy...it's not. It's darn hard work! Find out why YOU are feeling this way. The love for your hubby has to come from YOU. YOU need to work at this and YOU need to to be upfront with your husband. He's committed himself to YOU..It's the least you can do for him. He truley deserves it.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (24 June 2005):
 You say you want to love your husband. Does this mean you have fallen out of love with him? Is this because you have feelings for another man?
If you really want to keep your marriage, you will have to work at it and have absolutely nothing to do with this other man. Invest all your time and energy in making your marriage work.
The way to do this would be to discuss with your husband things that may have gone wrong within your relationship and ways and means of correcting it. Perhaps you need to spend more quality time together, perhaps you have to go back to the way you both were when you first met and to reignite the passion, date each other. Go out for meals, go to the cinema, find new things to do together. Remind yourself of what you thought of him when you first met.
Couples counselling might help to get you on the right track.
In the meantime, it would be essential for you to ignore these feelings you have for the other man. Try to block the thoughts from your mind and talk instad with your husband to find ways of enjoying together again.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2005): The little things will always pop up like 'god i like him'or 'he nice looking' .But you're married you have a whole life with this man. It's obvious that you're going to like other people, it's the way of the world.But as long as you love him so then thinking others are nice is no problem at all.If your husband thinks or gets worried about you liking others then turn around and say 'look i can like others just as you can but im with you no one else and thats all that matters'.everyone will think in a stage of their life that someone else is nice and they cnt stop thinkin about them but you have a husband that you love no need to worry.May be try new things with your husband to get back to thinking about him :)..luv franxx
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