A
female
age
41-50,
*roken33
writes:So things have been tough here, and we are both stressed my boyfriend of five years whom I live with just told me that he was getting himself an apartment and letting the house go in forclosure. He told me that because I lost my job that I am going nowhere and that he just wants to be alone. He has done this before only to be ok once finances are ok. what should I do I am devastated. How to tell if he is just running from stress again or is this the real thing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (10 July 2015):
 Look at the labels fly, He is wimpy and a loser. I can't dispute this. On the other hand broken33 has chosen to stick with him without a marriage commitment for 5 years. He has never pretended any financial repsponcibility for her needs. In fact she is unemployed and living under his roof. Another label we could throw around would be freeloader.
I agree that his letting the house go into foreclosure is bad. It is hard on the bank, it is hard on his credit, it is breaking a promise he made. It is probable that he made that promise figuring in her income in the budget. Without that, he may be unable to save the house and his credit.
Aside from the money is the emotional withdrawl. That is a whole different discussion. Some men low on testosterone do this. Stress (financial) is a contributing factor. The financial stress could also merely be an excuse for him to break a tie that he isn't feeling that strongly, evidenced by his failure to tie the knot. Or there could ber other problems in the relationship. What he is doing is not a healthy reaction no matter the underlieing reason.
I second Tisha's advice to be proactive with the mortgage company. I restate my advice to act now to find temporary work. Even day work, and recycling. If he is just prpareing for the worst, this will bring him around to the point where at least you can discuss a better permanant future plan.
Or you could cut your losses and get out with your credit intact.
FA
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 What does it matter if he's running from stress again or if this is the real thing? The effect on you is the same. He's out of the house and abandoning you and the house payments. If his survival mechanism is to run run run when things get tough you're going to see his back and his heels a lot, should you manage to coax him back into the house and behaving like a grown up.
If I were you I'd take this as a sign that he's not a good bet for the long term, unless he starts making positive choices for the both of you, not just himself.
Contact the mortgage company ASAP, and work out what you need to do. Consider renting out part of the house to help you pay the mortgage.
It's time to go into survival mode. Assume he's not going to step up and make plans accordingly. If he does get over his snit and get his head right, and decides to fulfill his financial obligations, great. If not, well, at least you'll have made some plans that will help you through the next year or so.
Sorry he's being such a wimpy boy.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 July 2015):
 Sooooo, basically, he's told you that, when HE gets stressed, then toodaloo to you... and fend for yourself.... I have no responsibility to you....
Quite a gentleman you chosen to spend time with!!!!!
Let him go on his own... make his own way.... AND... you do the same.... make YOUR OWN WAY....
When the "chips are down" this character is a loser... and you don't need him...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, broken33 +, writes (9 July 2015):
broken33 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am trying but he will not even talk to me now
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 July 2015):
Well, he can't Support you and the house. That makes him feel less manly. That knocks his confidence. That leaves him feeling depressed.
You have a pretty good grasp of his patterns. You know what you need to do. Find ways to contribute to the finances. Help save on expenses. He will feel better with every bit of control you two can wrangle.
He is not running from stress he is cutting his losses. Straight up survival tactic.
FA
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