A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is this normal?- living with a depressed personMy boyfriend (whom i live with) is under treatment for depression. He is taking anti depressants and seeing a psychotherapist every 2 weeks. He seems to be slowly responding to his antidepressants and can often have low days where he doesnt want to do much. Needless to say our sex life has vanished- he says he has lost his sex drive and is quite disturbed by this because we do usually have a good time! i dont want to pressure him because i know it is a side of effect of his medication and condition. Recently however he has been inviting his friends over to watch footie or play computer games and although having friends over doesnt bother me the frequency is. I am starting to feel that there is something wrong with me and that i am undesireable and unattractive. I have spoken to him and his response was i need to keep busy...well i told you i was an arsehole...why are you with me if i dont meet up to your expectations...this is me (i dont believe it is because he is usually very nice)....Things got on top of me the other week and i had a little cry (i felt a bit silly the following day because it is something that i dont usually do- he walked off and later said that he cannot support me- he has to think about getting himself better first... am i making excuses for his behaviour?i need to clear my head...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Hi I understand how you feel.I have a friend who is suffering from depression as well. We sort of went out a few times, then after a special day when he initiated our first kiss, he stopped talking to me. Normally in this situation you would think he must have blown you off. Anger and disappointment got on top of me. 2 weeks later he started to talk to me and even asked me if I needed a lift home. At that time, I didn't know he had had depression for years. I was quite angry, a little bit embarrassed, and certainly thought he ended with me.Then, followed by that, he had a major depression episode, taken a sick leave for almost 2 months. Although my other friends said the reason was he had taken off his medication, there is still part of me feeling that I might be one of the reasons for his major depression.10 months after we parted ways, we sort of went out again. The strange thing is he keeps asking groups of ppl out, incluing me of course, but 9 out of 10 activities will end up only him and me going out.Sometimes you will feel quite confused because you may doubt if he even likes you at the first place. Or he is just trying to ask groups of friends out to make himself feel better. Sometimes he may say he can take you to this and this place and even take you to his home town meeting his parents and sound like he is really into you and really consider having a proper relationship with you.Other times,he just ignored you for a whole week then all of a sudden sent a text msg asking if you'd like to go to this and this place with him.I'm still on my way understanding the behaviors of depressed ppl. Of course, as said above, some books can be of great help, such as Depression, Is he depressed or what? all are great books! Oh, last but not least, living with a depressed person does test your commitment to this person!Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): AN UPDATE...
Thanks for the replies, they really helped me at the time. Things have improved considerably (although no intimacy still) and he seems to be having a good time at the moment. However last night we had an argument-first one and it has left us both really deflated.
When he got to bed last night I asked him about his reasons for calling me a nag and being very needy during the day. His response was that he didnt want to talk and that i am too sensitive. He then said he was sorry but i had to move out. I got up and said i was off to my mums (good ole mums!) I didnt go in the end because we managed to talk for about 20 minutes and he then said he doesnt want me to move out, he wants me and he feels like he isnt good enough for me, he said he wasnt right for me because i deserve better and he cant make me feel special. I told him i want to be with him and wouldnt have moved in with him if i thought that i also mentioned that i havent had a relationship with someone suffering from depression and its new to me. He says hes not depressed its the way he is...
We saw each other after work today and he was very quiet... hes gone out now...
Is this emotional pulling and resting usual?
Many thanks
We both went to sleep and
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Mandy7 offered a nice link on how to help. As stated in the article, you must protect your own mental health because helping someone through this can place much pressure on you.
I was diagnoised with depression, but went off the medication, couldn't affored it, and didn't feel it was helping much.
As myself, I have my moments of isolating myself from others. I realized that certain situations made things worse, so I avoided them until I felt stronger to handle them.
I don't have much understanding of the possible causes, I am aware of mine, and it was caused by my enviorment, or relationship. Do you understand where his depression may have come from? Understanding this, I think, can be helpful, but I am no expert but my own situation.
Good luck, and keep healthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I know it relitivly hard being in a relationship where because of one reason or another, they seem to have "gone off" you. He hasn't, side effects from anti-depressants can last for a while and then gradually go away. I myself, have been on anti depressants for a year and at first when i was with my ex, i just didnt want to be near him. He probibly said what he said about hiself because its making him feel down, that its upsetting you and as bad as this may seem, really he may just want to concentrate on getting himself better. If things havn't changed in a month or so, tell him that you love him and your going to support him, you just need a bit of reasuring occasionly that i am stll wantedI hope everything gets better for you and your boyfriend
Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): DON'T feel bad! Medications for depression affects a great deal of men's sex lives. It is not you at all and you should not stress or allow yourself to be depressed, because of this. In time things will get betteer, but I can assure you that it is not you at all.BadVoiceWash. DC
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reader, red1982 +, writes (4 April 2008):
Living with someone with depression is really hard work. It will test your commitment that's for sure. Just remember that he is unwell at the minute. He doesn't want to feel like this, and may even be trying to drive you away as he feels guilty for being the way he is and thinks you could do better. You are still attractive and desirable and he still loves you I'm sure, it's just that depression makes everything different in your mind. It's really hard to explain, and he may not understand himself until he is over it. His medication will hopefully start to work soon, it takes a few weeks for it to make any difference, and he should start getting better. Inviting his friends round is probably his way of making himself feel better - and at the minute he is not thinking about your needs. Talking to him about it at this time is not going to sink in.You need to make sure that you get some support. Your GP will be able to give you the numbers for support lines that deal with mental health, they are for families as well a sufferers and may be able to help you understand a bit more and give you coping strategies. Make sure that you take time for yourself as well. If you only concentrate on your partner you may get ill too and then you won't do either of you any good. Contact your friends and go out with them, have a long hot bath or go for a walk if things get a bit too much. Take care of yourself, and your boyfriend. I hope this passes quickly and you can both get back to your lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Hi Hunny
He is Going through a bad time and so are you, The medication will most def have an affect on the sex side of things sweetheart some anti d meds affect a man so bad that he cant get an erection at all others stop him from ejaculating which can get both of you down, You need a lift as being with someone with depression is hard going and they can and will say things they dont mean sweetheart..He is getting his mates around to feel better and normal and I can understand why you feel the way you do, But its not you ok its the illness and it is affecting you.....
http://www.realmentalhealth.com/depression/tips_08.asp
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Hunny you need understanding to ive sent you some links to help you, If this is getting to a point were you feel depressed yourself then go and see a doctor and talk with someone about it...You can feel alone and you do need support sweetheart...If you need a chat message me WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Yes this is normal behaviour. Your boyfriend will be scouring his head for what is causing his depression and ways of making himself better. To conduct a realationship at the same time is a burden. He may even think its you causing the problem. There is no clear cut answer as to what you should do, but there are some good books on living and loving a person with depression, these are generally written by people who have experienced your problem first hand, I suggest you get one of these books to get a better insight.Good luck
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