A
female
age
41-50,
*onnecian
writes:hello, here is my situation.. I need some input.. In Feb 2012 a friend moved in that needed help. we had previously * 10 years ago*had an affair for 2 years, and were ready to move forward togther, and both decided to try to work out our marraiges. his ended in divorce and he moved on to 7 Year realationship that ended last year. my husband died 11/2011now we fell into seeingieach other ( man and woman in same house attrative to each other and past history there) then in may, i pushed for a relationship and it worked against me.. ( hence let the man chase you.. ) so he joined match, as did I. we both met people, he has been seeing a woman from there since june. she does not know that he lives with me, and they see each other about once a week on average for the past month or so.. ( was less frequent ) I know that if he was living with me, i would not know this. he tells us both that he loves us, and has slept with both of us. he tells me that I do not really know what his relationship is with her and that he does not want a commuttment from either at this time. he has talked to both of us about a future. I have met his children, they bond with me and she has not met them yet. I told him that living here , he did not have to date me as a prerequist. last week, i asked him to move into the guest room and started holding back on sex and have made out with him.. and also on doing things for him.. and he seems more attentive, and actually has been making advances to ME!!! i really like this man, and I do know him better than this other person. she is nice, and I tried to tell her he was lying.. annonymously, does not believe me. she thinks i am just his best friend.. so he still list and tells everyong he is single and dating.. since we live togther ( and right now he is not able to move out) please suggestions on how I acn get the upper hand? at times i think i have it, as he talks about what we will do next year with the house and yard, and we pray together every night, hd recently started thaning god for letting us bond as a family with his children.. and allowing us to bond and grow together.. i have loved this man for years.. even when i was married, and he said that he has loved me for years, that he needed to just date after being married then immediate 7 year relationship ( his marraige was 11 years) please please i would like advice on how I can win his heart and get the upper hand here.. thanks..
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affair, best friend, divorce, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I agree that you need to tell him that it isn't working for you. You simply cannot do this anymore and remain a healthy happy person. I wish it was not the case, but situations like these are very confusing for the one taking the "relationship" seriously. Imagine the other woman who isn't even suspiscious. It is unfair to both of you and he is really taking advantage. But, on the other side, you are still allowing it. Sometimes we have to experience situations like this for awhile before we realize they will not change.
A
female
reader, connecian +, writes (30 September 2012):
connecian is verified as being by the original poster of the question annonmous.. she has never been to the house, she does not know that he lives with me.. she things he has a male roommate.. i do not know what he tells her about why he can not take her to his place..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): I'm very sorry about your situation. I will tell you that it really is not going to end well for you. He is using you right now, yes he does housework, but he won't be sticking around once he gets back on his feet. What does he tell his new gf when she comes over? Does he lie to her in front of you? Next time he says something just tell her straight to her face that he is sleeping with both of us. If he gets upset... Good riddance because once she invites him to live with her, he will tell you that he needs to see if he can make their relationship work and a few months down the road you will be in her situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 September 2012):
 I would honestly sit him down and tell him that it doesn't work for you. So you two need to figure out if you can stay "just" room mates and friends or not. If you can't he needs to move out.
I know that SOME people date multiple people at the same time, but if they are having sex with them all it just seems wrong. Like taking advantage of the situation. The fact that his "GF" or the chick he is "dating" doesn't know about you is a BIG RED flag. He is stringing the both of you along.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 September 2012):
Also, I can understand you are new on the dating scene, but you cannot date someone that #1 You are already living with and #2 Who does not want to date. You see the problem here? You are already more or less acting like a married couple on the one hand, but on the other, he told you he did not want to "date" and you have not taken him seriously.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 September 2012):
I would add to what Oldbag says by saying that you won't get a man to chase you when you have already set up house together, see each other every day, and know one another very well. He doesn't pursue you because there is nothing to pursue...he lives with you. He may be *more attentive* if you give him the cold shoulder, but this type of game-playing gets old after awhile.
I understand what you are saying about the living arrangements, but sometimes things work out the opposite of what's expected. It looks like you will just have to live with things the way they are until you can both get on your feet again. Right now it is a toxic situation for you because you are in love with someone who has told you he does not want to be exclusive.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (29 September 2012):
 Hi
Yes people might multi date, but they just date, not have sex with them all. If you are going to have sex you make sure prior to that, that you are in an exclusive relationship with the other person. He hasn't hidden the fact he is seeing and sleeping with somebody else, so by his actions he isn't showing you he wants to be exclusive.
He has a roof over his head, 2 women after him, and sees his children.Lucky man.I can't see him ever feeling as you do,if he did he would be focusing on you and building a future. You are a good friend to him and he knows if you fell out he would be homeless again.
I would ask him to leave, find another lodger,male or female, if you need the cash.You need to distance yourself from him to get clarity here.There are other men and as your new to dating you have to take it slowly and see who else and what else is out there. Good Luck. x
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A
female
reader, connecian +, writes (29 September 2012):
connecian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen he moved in he was living in his car.. and it was to help him out and for him to be able to see his children again.. I recently lost my job.. so it is not a Hotel. he does help out in the house, he takes care of the yeard and heldp in the house and with other things..
so it is a situation for both of us.
I know it is a messed up situation.. we talked about it before, and he told me that he was not ready for a serious relationship.. that is one thing he has been straight up honest with me about..
he also has said that it is hared to do the whole "chase: thing living together.. so I guess a better request is how can I let him pursue me.. when we live together.
and yes in a way an upper hand , I have known him for over 10 years.. so pro and con on the situation.. since i was in the picture 1st.. it is not manipulationg him.. i do not think.. he sends me text messages and tells me that he loves me.. and he does act like we are dating..
please also understand... i am new on the dating scene.. i have not "dated" in over 13 years.. and my understanding is that now people see or date more than one person at a time..
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 September 2012):
Let me get this straight. You are living with a man who is sleeping with both you and another woman and you want to know how to "get the upper hand"? Do you know how crazy that sounds?
All due respect, if the guy even remotely cared about you, he wouldn't be sleeping with someone else. He would be sleeping with you, he would work on strengthening his relationship with you, and he would be putting all of his time and energy into you. Instead, he is playing two women.
So...he is praying with you and how thankful he is for your relationship and bonding...then going out and sleeping with the other woman? How exactly is that bonding with you? How exactly is that showing he cares?
What it boils down to is that you shouldn't have to manipulate someone into loving you...which is what you are asking from us. You want to know how to manipulate this guy into loving you, caring about you, being kind to you, and ditching the other woman. Why we he do that when he can have the best of both worlds?
If I was you, I would kick him out. He can't move out at the moment? Why? Is he using you as a hotel and for your money too? I realize this is harsh, but from what you have said, it appears you are continuing to hurt yourself by allowing him access to your home and your life.
You need to realize that after all this time, if he really loved you, if he really cared, if he was really thankful for all the bonding you've done, he wouldn't need another woman. And, you are making a fool of yourself by trying to talk with her and "warn" her of what a dog he is. Do you realize she could do the same for you?
It's time to face reality and stop your hurt before it gets any worse.
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