A
female
age
36-40,
*londie62785
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me.We are both 25 years old.He has had a few long relationships but was never able to picture a future(marriage,kids) with them like he could with me.He LOVED discussing our future.He showed me every day how in love with me he was, I never questioned it.We have always bickered a lot but was never about anything serious but when we weren't fighting...we were always very much in love with eachother. I had a problem with "threatening to break up with him" if i needed something to change about him and he wasn't quite understanding how serious I was. He hated it.Recently,we got in a stupid little fight and I mentioned us needing a small break from eachother. He wasnt too pleased with that and thought I was implying I wanted to break up. We barely spoke for 2 days and through text he decided he wasnt happy anymore, I was trying to change him, I told him I'd change my nagging ways before and didnt, he barely gets to see his friends, im suffocating him etc. We had just gone on a weekend trip the week prior and told me how lucky he was to be the guy that would get to marry me. He tells me he loves me...just realized he wasnt happy anymore. ALL OF A SUDDEN?! When I spoke to him he was emotionless..I was always able to "hear his love" in his voice and now he sounded like a stranger. He told me his reasoning for being so cold was that he had to be otherwise he would cry...and he doesnt like to cry(thats true, I've only seen him tear up once and it was when I first told him I loved him.He decided our relationship was unhealthy and he was mentally drained. He has made a few comments however saying"i feel like i might regret this too" when i said I think youre going to regret this,the grass isnt always greener...and he doesnt know if this is a mistake or not.An hour after he broke with me he texted me asking" how are you doing?" and was trying to be my friend and be there for me!! i am SOOO confused!! I know he loves me..I saw it just last week but now it seems the break up is so final. Please help me understand all this. We really did love eachother and always planned our future. we were supposed to move in together this summer. He recently said if i didnt mind a cheap ring he'd buy one for me tomorrow! Is this really final? I cant live without him...hes my soulmate..my future...
View related questions:
broke up, cheap, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 June 2010):
 I don't think he made a mistake. Promise to change all you want, but I seriously doubt it will happen. You want to change because you want him back. If you get him back, your changes will become temporary, 99% of the time they are when we aren't truely motivated for our own internal reasons. Even then it is incredibly hard. I know this sounds harsh, but it's true for most people.
If you've apologized, and told him how you feel, that's all you can do. Now he needs the space to decide what he wants.
Here's a question for you though: How many times have you to had conversations like this? His hesitancy probably comes from hearing these same things before and nothing happening. Time for some soul searching.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 June 2010):
 Not giving him the space he may need right now, is almost as bad as nagging.
IF it's meant to be it will happen. I know that sounds corny and useless, but you need to show him that you CAN control the more "manipulate" side of yourself.
It's not going to be easy.
You can take a horse to water but you can not make it drink. Same with love.
Show him some respect.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, blondie62785 +, writes (24 June 2010):
blondie62785 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the advice. I felt like this situation was a HUGE wakeup call for me and felt I needed it in order to change. I looked back and saw what I was doing and was really upset with the way I was handling things...This lead me to REALLY want to change. I told him I was more than willing to change and all I wanted was to be with him. I apologized for the way I had handled everything and told him I was wrong and I vowed to never do it again.
Like I mentioned, I did speak to him and everything seems "final." I told him I wanted to be with him, that I would change and that I was SO sorry. He pretty much said he couldnt do it anymore...."atleast not now" (what does that mean?!)
I know he loves me...I saw it just the previous week so how can it all change so quickly?
There was a time that he messed up and pushed me to my breaking point and he begged for another chance...said "Things won't always be easy..but please stick it out with me." so why cant I GET ANOTHER CHANCE?
He always swore that we'd get married one day and to never worry." Maybe that was the problem...I didn't think I needed to worry, so maybe there were times I took him for granted.
Everyone keeps telling me to give him space(even though he said it's over) Allow him time to miss me...allow him time to remember all the good things about us and not focus on the bad. Do you suggest thats what I do? Do guys REALLY turn around after it being "final" and realize they made a mistake?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 June 2010):
I think he had enough. To use either break up or divorce as a threat is only going to make it come true. ( a break up or divorce) I'm not trying to put you down, but that is really immature and foolish, specially if this was NOT what you really wanted.
I would tell him how you feel and let HIM make the next move.
Also I suggest you take some time and deal with your insecurities and HOW you deal with issues/conflict.
He still cares for you, just not your "methods" of getting what you want through manipulation.
I'm sorry, I wish you good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 June 2010):
Constantly threatening to break up if something doesn't change is an evil MANIPULATION technique. You've gotten what you diserved and I hope he never comes back. If you are constantly trying to change him, then he isn't right for you. Likely your requesting a break was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. He hasn't been truely happy for a long time. He finally reached his breaking point. Let him move on, and I suggest in your next relationship to try and accept the person as they are, not try to change them. Forced change breeds resentment. When I was in a similar situation and I finally got out, I was never happier. The biggest thing I learned from her was to avoid the mind games like you were playing. Do both of you a favor and tell him you didn't want things to end, but you're leaving it up to him what happens next. If he wants to come back, he will. Otherwise it is time to move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): Awwwww, how awful for you!
First, the good news. It sounds to me that your boyfriend really does care about you. The fact that he's never given you reason to doubt his love, the fact that you guys get along so well, the fact that he cares how you're doing right now, the fact that he clearly has doubts whether breaking up is the right strategy, the fact that he's trying so desperately not to be emotional about it - all that speaks a man who still has you very much in his heart. Lucky girl!
Now, the bad news. It sounds to me like you've introduced a great deal of insecurity into the relationship by threatening to break up with your boyfriend during arguments. To me, your boyfriend sounds like quite the catch - a guy who isn't afraid of commitment, and instead is actually seeking stability, security, and partnership from you. To a person like that, having the entire relationship called into question every time you fight is really, really tough. Basically, I am willing to bet that the thing this guy fears most in the world is losing you, and the relationship ending. If that's the case, whenever you have called the relationship into question and threatened to end things if he doesn't change, it's been agonizing for him. On top of that, the two of you are arguing a lot, which is something everyone finds stressful, and some people find simply intolerable. He may just have reached a breaking point, and decided that he simply can't live with that level of insecurity any more. When people get to a high pitch of anxiety, sometimes they feel like the only thing they can do to reestablish control over their situation is by facing what they most fear. Even though he knows that losing you will be hugely painful, he's sees it as preferable to facing extended future uncertainty full of arguments and the terrible fear that you will leave him. I'm willing to bet he's saying to himself that it's better to face the worst now than to fear it for the next ten years.
That said, I'm very far from thinking that this is all your fault. Clearly, it takes two people to argue and he hasn't always been as understanding of your perspective as he should have been. Obviously, you felt that you weren't being taken seriously, and that you were forced into adopting extreme measures simply to get your viewpoint heard. That's not healthy for you, either, and it sounds like he needs to do some serious work on his listening and empathy skills! Threatening to break up is a last ditch method, and you shouldn't feel that you need to resort to that to get your views a hearing.
Now some more good news: I don't believe that this has to be over between the pair of you, because it really does sound like you both love each other really quite deeply. But I do think that you both need to sit down and have a loooong talk about this. You need to recognize that your guy is at the end of his tether, and can't take any more uncertainty. He needs to hear how much you love him and care about him. On his side, you need him to understand that the reason you make threats to the relationship is that you feel deeply frustrated and hurt that you're not being heard. YHe needs to take you seriously, because it's not fair to diminish you and refuse to listen. And you need some assurances that he's not going to walk out on you like this again.
At a basic level, you both need to change the way that you communicate together so that you're not threatening and manipulating each other, or grinding each other into the ground with constant criticism and bickering, because not even the healthiest relationship can survive that. Adversarial situations need to be replaced with situations where you listen to each other and react to one another's concerns, without interpreting those concerns as personal criticism. Threats about ending the relationship need to stop, but so do the situations that lead to those threats, where neither of you is hearing the other.
Finally, neither of you should feel too bad about this. Everybody argues sometimes, and no-one's perfect. It's the way you deal with those disagreements that matters. You sound like you have the maturity, the sensitivity and the love for this guy to sort the situation out. Call him, and ask to talk! Be prepared for it to be an emotional session, be prepared to admit at least some blame, and be prepared to enact real change in the way that you communicate. But above all, show each other how much you both still care! Because if you can make some minor adjustments that mean you're listening to each other and working together, it sounds like you could have a wonderful, long relationship ahead of you. Good luck!
...............................
|
