A
male
age
41-50,
*leaners
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two years. She recently moved in with me about five months ago. Prior to moving in, she would come over to my place on weekends. We’d snuggle before bed and have sex at least once a week. Now that she’s moved in, things have changed. We have different sleep schedules. She stays up late while I’m in bed early because I get up early for my second job. So we don’t snuggle in bed as often as we used to. Sex is also an issue. We’re lucky if we have sex once a month. We’ve talked about both of these issues, and agree we need to do both more often, but nothing has changed. When it comes to sex, she just doesn’t have the drive – she’s overweight and tells me she doesn’t feel attractive. Part of the problem has been since going on birth control, we stopped using condoms, so I haven’t lasted as long when we do have sex. Neither of us have gotten any joy out of it. Sex is important to me but lately hasn’t been as important to her. I told her even if we don’t have sex, some personal attention would be nice. Self gratification just doesn’t seem to cut it. I’ve considered hooking up with a former friend with benefits, but my conscience has stopped me from going down that road. I question whether lack of sex is worth ending a two year relationship over. We have our little disagreements from time to time, but what couple doesn’t. We do love each other and enjoy spending time with one another. Aside from the lack of sex, I’m happy with the relationship and I believe she is too. I just don’t know what to do.
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male
reader, kleaners +, writes (27 January 2012):
kleaners is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses so far. While I may have considered seeking alternatives, I'm definitely not going down that road. I couldn't live with the guilt and just imagining how upset my girlfriend would be if she found out makes me sick to my stomach. I have definitely voiced my concerns. I've told her we need more snuggle time. She agrees. I told her I think sex is an important piece of a relationship. She agrees. I know I mentioned her weight - I do compliment her every chance I get. I've never made her feel unattractive. I never considered the birth control pills could have that kind of side affect. When we talked the other day she mentioned to me how I spend too much time giving oral sex and sometimes it starts to hurt rather than be pleasurable, or I'm not hitting the right spot. I told her she needs to communicate more with me. Let me know what feels good and what doesn't.She told me sometimes she just doesn't feel into having sex and I said if we can't have sex, I suggested giving me a little more attention. I also suggested pleasuring me before sex might help me last longer.Following our conversation, hours later, she invited me into the shower with her to "help wash her hair." I bathed her and she bathed me. She pleasured me and when we dried off, I went into the bedroom, put on some romantic music and tried to please her - but she wasn't feeling it. She said it was nothing I was doing wrong, but I told her I feel like a failure for not being able to please her like before. Last night we snuggled in bed after she got home from class. It was nice and hopefully the start down the road to rediscovering our intimacy.
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (27 January 2012):
The birth control pills might be lowering her sex drive. Also, that thing about her weight is an issue, after all, loads of women don't even let their husband see them fully naked or insist on having the lights out when they have sex. But you sound like you are still making her feel desirable by making moves and trying to improve your sex life.
So, unfortunately, you will have to tell her that you think the lack of intimacy is threatening the long term success of the relationship. If it turns out that you are mismatched sexually then that is likely to always be the case I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 January 2012):
 She's given you some major cues to her state of mind, if you are paying attention. She doesn't feel attractive due to her weight. She's on birth control, which may be a factor in the weight gain as well as the loss of drive.
You seem to think that your erection is the key to her orgasm. In most women, it is clitoral stimulation that leads to orgasm, not penetrative vaginal intercourse. Your penis feels nice but it's not enough. Sorry, that's just how it may be for her....
You two aren't communicating on an intimate level at all. You may be great roommates, but you are not tuned in to the other's sexual responsiveness in any meaningful way. She may know how to bring you to orgasm and you may think she's enjoying intercourse and therefore enjoying sex with you but I think both of you are wrong.
You've moved in together. Guess what. This is where the romance gets tricky. This is where the man either shows up or he runs off and decides he can't deal.
You have to make a choice. Work on this as one half of a couple or decide that you are still essentially a single guy who happened to find a woman who may be his bed partner for a while, in which case, you can quit trying and go back to your previous FWB. In which case, why are you living with this woman? Are you playing out some fantasy about what a happy couple should be? Are you living in reality or living in a fantasy?
How much effort are you willing to put into this? Decide and then be honest with yourself and with her.
My vote would be for you to pay attention to what she has told you... and try to do it without your own filter on. Listen to her openly and honestly and be prepared to feel like crap when she tells you things you may not be happy with. Listen without ego, if you can.
Then do your damnedest to tell her your side of it. I think it would be in your best interest not to tell her you've considered going to FWB because you are feeling so frustrated, especially as she's gone on birth control for you. That can mess with a woman's hormones in ways that men just don't get.
Maybe you moved in together too fast. If you miss snuggling, say that. If you miss the sex, say that.
Maybe the best thing to do is to go back to separate households where each of you had time apart to miss the closeness. Then you can work out what went wrong with the cohabitation. It could be as simple as a clash of schedules.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): I wouldnt say that it should break you two up! but you need to find time for eachother not only sexually its about affection! i find tht cuddling and kissing is just as important, if your gf prefers you wearing condoms, just coz shes on the pill doesnt mean u cant use them if it means u last longer! I am on the pill and prefer condoms too, you can buy thin ones soo that its nice for you too :)
I do agree that u need set times for sex but that could become lk a chore maybe u could spice it up a bit make her feel wanted and tell her how attracted you are to her! even wen my bf and i have sex sometimes i feel hmmm did he enjoy it he hasnt said he thinks im sexy, it doesnt matter how big or small she is if she feels sexy to u she will enjoy it :P
you say u want a sex buddy but if u love someone its more about the person ur with not sex, if u love her u will work it out do not let it break u up, its rare u find someone u love and tht loves u bk lifes too short go for it lol
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Well man if you have your needs you have your needs and you need to get them met. Ethically, you should break the relationship off to do so. Granted you have a solid relationship, sex aside, if you feel something is driving you to be unfaithful or not committed, thats enough to break things off in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, califlowers +, writes (26 January 2012):
If you were considering cheating then it doesn't seem you're as happy as you say you are. There is more to relationships than sex, if you love eachother and enjoy eachothers company then there shouldn't be a problem. You should complement her often, to build her self-confidence, and hopefully she'll feel more comfortable with it. You don't need sex all the time, just try to make time for cuddling and kissing and such, and if you both have a night together with no work interference then you can do a little more.
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A
male
reader, kleaners +, writes (26 January 2012):
kleaners is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should probably add - we try to spend as much time as possible together, but even that can prove difficult. My girlfriend works until 7:30 p.m. three times a week. The other two she's taking night classes. When we're home together, we do eat together and try to watch favorite TV shows together. Or perhaps we'll try to spend the day out (even if it's to run errands). On nights she works late, she'll come home and eat dinner and then start on her homework.
So very confused: I like your suggestion of trying to set a specific time for us to spend together.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Oh tough question… sounds like it’s beyond lack of sex.. there is a lack of affection too… We have differing schedules as well.. I am an early to bed early to rise person.. he prefers to stay up late and sleep later… with his work schedule he’s able to do this… so how do we fix this?
We cuddle A LOT… when I get home from work we stop and have dinner together and then a cuddle on the couch… we often will cuddle and kiss and tease while watching TV together… then he goes off to game and I go to work out… at about 9:30 or 10 pm I kiss him goodnight and go to bed… sometimes I watch tv till I fall asleep but I know that when he comes to bed (anytime between say 12-2 am) he will get into bed and I will wake up. Sometimes I don’t remember waking up but I always cuddle him when he comes to bed and he cuddles me. Often we set the alarm early for me so we can have at least 15 minutes of cuddle time in the mornings…
Early on in our relationship I set a rule up that says (and pardon me for being blunt) “Sunday Mornings are for blow jobs” … and I have stuck to this for the entire relationship even since he’s moved in with me… this does not mean we don’t have sexual contact other times… (although sometimes it’s JUST Sunday mornings when life is hectic) but that’s OUR down time baring a crisis… I may get up early and go take a yoga class or do the shopping or laundry.. but when I’m ready to wake him gently I bring him his tea and start the day off the right way… sometimes this even turns into love making and not just a BJ… BONUS!!!
Maybe approach her with “Sunday mornings are for _____________ and make it a loving sexual thing like “wake up to massage” or whatever works for you two… SETTING time for dates and love making when you live together is critical…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): It really depends as some people who suffer personality disorders or are not motivated by sex- will not need it or desire it.
Sociopaths and Narcissists have been known to use sex to get what they want from someone but will actually think they are above such things so again, sex will not be forthcoming.
In the end, this could be part of a medical condition.
If you are truly unhappy and think you are imcompatible and there is no true effort or willingness to bring about change and lack of working together to keep one another happy in this personal matter- than no point in sticking around.
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