A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:How could I have been expected to remain in a relationship with a person who "has no filter" and thereby often hurt me (unintentional as it may have been). How could I continue to give chance after chance of reconciliation (over a year's worth of chances), to forgive over and over, only to learn that he had no intentions of taking this relationship any further than it did? To continue to endure the tiny wounding of my heart because he was too careless to think before he spoke and ultimately because he "just wasn't that into" me?Even his "friends" have made excuses for his "lack of a filter" forever. They said, "Oh, he just says stupid things sometimes." If that's the case, then he will have to deal with the consequences of not being able to think about other people's feelings before speaking. His relationships will always end this way. No girl worth her pride would put up with little noncommittal jabs or her partner constantly needing the "attentions" of other women. I guess his "lack of filter" helped solidify my decision to end it. The truth came out, one way or another, both while drunk and sober. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.Tell me I'm not crazy for thinking this way...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): whether he intends to hurt your feelings or not (the lack of filter thing) , the fact is still that you are hurt as a result of his actions.
it's like if you were driving and being inattentive (e.g., talking on your cell phone) and as a result you didn't see someone crossing the road and accidentally hit them and injured them. No you did not intend to ram into them, you were not out to get them maliciously. but nevertheless you did cause them harm. Does it mean that just because you didn't *intend* the harm, that you can go about your merry way continuing exactly as you were doing, just because it wasn't your intent to harm?? Of course not. You should from then on for sure stop talking on the phone while driving even though you didn't INTEND to hurt someone, but simply because that is what caused you to hurt them nonetheless.
it's the same with WORDS in a relationship. Words have enormous power to build up people or tear them down. So what if he didn't *intend* to hurt you. The fact is, you were still hurt by his actions and words, repeatedly. The first time it was unintentional, so OK you can cut him slack. But now that he has knowledge that his actions and words caused you to be hurt, he now has an obligation to change his behavior to stop hurting you regardless of whether his original behavior was intentional or not.
so many relationships (not just romantic relationships but friendships and working relationships too) fall apart because one person gets hurt by the other's actions, and the offending party's response is "well it wasn't intentional, so you shouldn't feel hurt."
It's clear that this guy just doesnt' care about you. that's why he makes no effort to filter his words. and maybe he doesn't care about anyone and that's why he doesn't filter his words with other people either.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): People should have filters because every social group - even in the animal kingdom like dogs and lions - have rules of engagement when it comes to social behavior and communication. It is what keeps the group functioning otherwise it would degenerate into chaos and infighting and lead to the demise of the species. By not having a filter this guy is breaching the rules of civilized society."They said, "Oh, he just says stupid things sometimes." If that's the case, then he will have to deal with the consequences of not being able to think about other people's feelings before speaking."Absolutely. It's not up to you to bend or break yourself to accept his deviant attitudes and behaviors which are, quite frankly, selfish. It's up to him to decide if he will behave in an appropriate manner or not. If he chooses not to, then it's perfectly morally acceptable to allow him to bear the consequences of his bad decisions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): I had a friend, a good friend, she didn't have a 'filter' I called it tactless.She never thought about others feelings just opened her mouth and out it came.
In the end she just alienates most people because of her lack of manners and thoughtlesness.A few say its just the way she is.In my view we all have control over what comes out of our mouths. Why would we hurt those closest because we feel we don't have to be 'tactful' or care about the consequences
If this ex wasn't that into you then perhaps he was deliberately trying to alienate you,either way your better off without him
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Ok, this crap about not having a filter is pretty silly.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and I can control myself, because I choose to. I also am diagnosed with Tourrettes Syndrome, and had a severe tic problem in high school. Often, i would have a weird feeling in the back of my throat and i would HAVE to say a C word. I knew what I had to say, but I would say cat, cars, cramp, etc. and it would not go away. Finally I said cunt and it went away.
What did I do? I ignored my urges. I gave in after 5 minutes the first time. 10 the second. 20 the 3rd. so on so forth, until finally i can now go weeks without saying stuff i don't want to say. Do I still have a problem with tics and cursing? very rarely, but yeah. I choose them on my terms.
I was not hurting anyone, let alone my significant other and could still stop myself.
He chooses to do what he says because he chooses it.
People are not being held accountable for themselves anymore. There is a disease and medical condition to explain away every last action we make.
Some things are really out of our control, but if he were to take adderol or ridlin (sp?) your boyfriend would still be a jackass.
Do I think you should stick it out, especially since you say he does not want to take it further? No, absolutely not.
Inbox me if you want.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (11 January 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question He didn't want to commit 100% & so he didn't love me as much as I loved him. He never respected my feelinga- a guy who truly loves you just wouldn't say these things. He talked about future potential girlfriend opportunities in front of me, twice recently. Talked about cute girls around me. Had a harem of them on FB. If he had wanted out at any time he could've left-I made that clear. He claims he loved me. His 'slips' & careless speech said otherwise. No, I never could've stayed knowing he'd keep saying THOSE kinds of things to me. I tried to overlook it but it hurt me every time he said something like that. How was I to feel secure & trust him when those kinds of comments kept coming out of his mouth as easily as I love you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 January 2012):
 I see two issues as well,
Filter, OK people without filter don't just go around saying hurtful things, they are however usually very blunt and at times a little crude ( I have a VERY good friend like this) And I HAVE felt hurt a couple of times, but when thinking the comment over, he was in fact right (to a point). I have known him since I was in my teens so 28+ years.
Tossing out hurtful jabs or just saying plain hurtful things for no reason is not "having no filter", I would categorize that as having no manners, no tact and no respect for others. Specially if he's been made aware of this many times over the years.
Now his need to get attention from other women has nothing to do with filter either, it again has to do with no manners, no tact and no respect for his SO.
If this is something you don't feel like you can accept in a partner, then I would move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I see two very very very different issues here.
One is the lack of filter (I have it as does my partner) and the other was that he was just not that into you.
The jabs at you were made because he did not care….
When my fiancé says stuff that hurts me, it’s not meant to hurt me… and it’s CLEAR his filterless mouth is not meaning to cause pain.. he is genuinely confused as to why it hurts… I say what I think and then backpedal often but my lack of filter is ADHD related…. And never meant to harm.
IF the ex was making jabs that MEANT to hurt… teasing and such…that’s different.
He has no intention of progressing the relationship….would you have stayed with him if he did even with all the jabs?
not staying because you want different things is a very acceptable reason for ending a relationship.
I'd have NO friends if everyone left me due to fliter control.
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