A
female
age
36-40,
*ellybeans20009
writes:Hello I am in a fairly new relationship, about 1 month old. My new boyfriend currently has much more long term relationship baggage than I do. He has dated multiple girls and he was with his ex for two years. I on the other hand barely dated before him with no history of a long term.It's really hard for me to not think about his exes and what their relationship was like. It makes me jealous of course and at the same time I wonder if he is all spent or something of feelings. He seemed like he had much happy times with his previous girlfriends. It makes me feel like he used all those experiences of bonding with someone, getting to know them, falling in love up on someone else. He must have been through it all now so maybe nothing is a novelty anymore and I feel a little cheated out of my experience.It makes me feel like I can't be that person for him at times, as silly as it sounds even though he has had enough time to get over her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): That happened to me...I had never dated, fooled around, or slept with anybody else, and he had been with 4 other women.
It drove me so crazy that I broke up with him after we'd been together for a year.
I just couldn't stop thinking about it.
I know it was my problem, but he didn't help the situation by being "best friends" with two of his exes and talking about them all the time!!! And he had old pictures and notes lying around that I would find...those did not help either.
So, if your bf is still in touch with his exes, I think it's reasonable to ask him not to be. Explain that you are feeling insecure about his past and you need some reassurance! And hopefully he will be respectful enough not to talk to you about his exes!!
A
female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (25 October 2013):
 Your boyfriend is with you. He's with you because he likes your company and he likes you for the person you are. Yes he's had previous relationships but he didn't know you in those days so it's a bit negative of you to be jealous of things that happened before you came on the scene. The other girls obviously weren't right for him or he would still be with them. Stop beating yourself up with thoughts of things that may never have happened. You just continue to be the lovely person that you are, the one he clearly fancies otherwise he wouldn't be with you now. It doesn't matter what his previous relationships were like because all relationships are different. Make the most of what you've got and enjoy yourselves.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 October 2013):
 That's called retroactive jealousy. You must understand, it doesn't matter how many partners someone has had in the past - everything with you is the first time. Each person is different, so just because he had a past relationship, doesn't mean that it's not just as new and wondrous to be with you as you feel with him.
Everything is new. His relationship with you isn't his relationship with his ex. If he's still in contact with her, or he got with you as a rebound right after his breakup, that's another issue. But each person is different. You are cheating yourself out of the experience of being with him because you're focusing on the wrong person. He's no longer with her.
Does he compare you to her a lot? Does he say "My ex never..."? or "Oh yeah! I was here with her..." If he's bringing her into conversation, just explain how you feel and ask him to stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): I can't help you with your problem sorry. But I can say that it's probably quite a common problem. My boyfriend of 16 months had a four year long relationship before me so he and his ex did all of the "firsts" together. When we got together I'd only ever kissed one boy on one occasion, was a virgin and had never even been on a proper date. I often wish I could have been some of his firsts and feel jealous of her for the time she got to spend with him that I didn't. I also wonder if he compares me to her seeing as I don't have an ex so I don't know whether making comparisons is normal. Anyway, sorry this was no help but I just wanted you to know you're not alone with this problem. Good luck
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