A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:do you think following a break up, a nasty break up, with someone you have children with, that you can eventually be civil to one another or even be friends?Or will that anger and hate stay?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): It all depends. my grandparents divorced over 40 years ago and still hate each other to this day. We can only have family reunions with one of them present but not both. My sister had an amicable divorce with her husband and they are friends now sort of. It just depends but there is no "ought to" here since everyone's case is different. Maybe he had betrayed you or abused you or both. Such people don't deserve your civility. As for the children's sake, simply shield them from all this. They do not need to know the extent of hurt and anger there is between you until they are adults and can understand and not be affected by it personally. Until then simply avoid all contact with your ex. No need to be civil, just avoid contact. If something needs to be discussed about the children's arrangements do it through your lawyer or a third party.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 October 2013):
 You Wish got it right... you can hate and seethe but all your kids need to know is they can love both parents and should not have to feel like they need to take sides.
there is to be NO bad mouthing of the ex no matter what.
if the best you can muster is "daddy loves you very much" and under your breath you think "asshole that he is" that's fine.
as far as the kids know, you and daddy get along perfectly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Hate may fade away in good time, but as for a genuine dislike who knows?
The real answer lies in both individuals involved, so is there a straight cut answer to this?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 October 2013):
 The biggest thing isn't whether you two can exist in the same room together without ripping each other's faces off. The biggest thing is to not use your children to hurt each other. If there's one tiny shred of common ground that you still share no matter how toxic the breakup is, it's that you both love your children and want the best for them.
This means not trashing each other to your kids, making snide comments, undermining each other's authority, and being on the same page in regards to parenting values. I'm not saying that you have to check on each other when it comes to every tiny issue.
I've seen couples who hate each other actually find commonality in the raising of their kids. So, as the feelings from the breakup subside, yes, it's possible to be civil with the ex. Just restrict all communication to childraising logistics, don't re-hash the fight in an attempt to get the last word or even closure.
It's done by getting over him. Fights and bad feelings continue because one or both aren't over each other. People say that hate is love set on fire, and divorce is marriage set on fire. It's a fine line between love and hate. The best way is indifference. Getting over the relationship will help foster civility and even cordial dealings. It may take awhile, but especially when your life gets better, you'll be over him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2013):
not friends but civil and friendly. you have to be or at least fake it as best you can for the children.
the pain does lessen.. my kids were 3 and 5 when their dad and I split... we worked very hard over the years to co-parent effectively. We did not do anything together such as meals unless it was at my father's request... and then we all went... the kids both sets of parents with their new respective spouses etc...
It's not important that the kids see you married... or friends.. it is important that they see you behaving as ADULTS who care ABOUT THEM.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Don't lose heart. Children are often good ambassadors between their parents.
They act out, when their parents act up. They also let their parents know when it's stressing them out.
Teenagers don't have any problem dealing with parents at war.
They pick sides, or bring you together by creating a series of family crisis that will keep you both in-front of a judge; or school principal. They'll distract you from each others throats, and bring the attention onto themselves. Where it belongs. You'll see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): The problem with a nasty divorce and angry separation is there may be emotional scars and permanent damage. Lawyers takeover, and they take no prisoners. They leave scorched earth where-ever they tread, in an effort to gain advantage through the courts. It's hard to feel lovey-dovey after being raked over the coals. Marriage was hell long before you reached divorce court.If you could be civil to each other, you probably wouldn't have separated in divorce. Some people do actually become friends. Their divorces were usually amicable and they weren't out for blood. They're the people sharing picnics and extended-family vacations with exes. They remarry and spend the rest of their lives being close friends well into the adulthood of their children. They're the blessed few. Rare as diamonds.On the average, good people try to lower their weapons; or keep vicious exchanges to a minimum "in-front" of the children. These are usually decent people who know fighting can end once the divorce is final. Grudges don't prove squat. Rage-fueled divorces can cause a lot of collateral damage. Usually to children; but they are often the cause of war. Battles never truly end; there are just lulls in tempers. That doesn't mean two parents who want to co-parent can't draw a truce. Children need to be around adults who set good examples, try to be positive role models, and make them feel they aren't a part of the reason for dispute. That's in a perfect world.Unfortunately, grownups don't always act like grownups. You may want to be civil; while he may be too full of spite and vinegar; because he lost half his assets and property, and has to pay child-support. Or she loses custody, and he gets alimony and support. You can see steam spewing from her ears. Civility!? Seriously!???He may feel you get the better end of the deal. He is on supervised visits, or has limited access to the children; while the laws favor the custodial rights of the mother over the father, in most cases. I tend to agree with that. Provided; she is the better parent.If people want to get along after divorce or during separation; then they have to come to terms about it before the legal process begins. Then it is easier to follow through.How he behaves doesn't dictate how you should act in-front of your children. They have eyes, ears, and brains. They will learn from the parent that shows good-will in spite of differences. So don't expect that the vexed-ex is going to play nice; because you suggest that he does it for their sake. Children do see through pretense, and will mimic the behavior. They'll pretend they like your new boyfriend; while hating his guts. So, if you don't like your ex; the most civil thing you can do, is not turn the kids against him. That minimizes friction. If he's poison, who gives a sh*t about getting along with him? Just use the law as your club to maintain civility around your babies. He has everything to lose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust don't want my children to have the parents who fight all the time, or don't talk to each other etc.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 October 2013):
 It really makes no difference. You have seen on this site - many times - that there is nothing that can - or should - be done "for the childrens' sake"....
YOU can and should be a good Mother - "FOR THE CHILDRENS' SAKE"!!!! But, beyond that, and relative to whoever is the other parent in your picture.... you ARE obliged only to be CIVIL (read: "polite") to him.... but nothing else, beyond that....
Good luck....
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